I am angry. Subtitle: Getting down to basics.

I’ve noticed the last several days, I have little patience with things that seem unimportant. I also realized that I had anger toward God as well. I even expressed anger at Jackie for leaving me! "This is all natural, just a stage" some have told me. And that’s the problem - its natural. It is not based on truth but on emotion. The emotions are real but they are not rooted in Truth. So what do I do, stuff them?

NO. I express them and then seek God’s perspective. I think David did that in his Psalms as well.

Today, I used the anger to attack the garage. I was ruthless. I mean, things that had been there for years and served no useful purpose where banished – boxed or bagged. There is still more to do.

While love of God is the most important motivator I can have for my actions, I am sensing an underlying impatience that may reflect God's perspective as well. If I keep my focus on the Lord and His perspective I can ruthlessly attack the clutter of my personal life. I need to get down to basics in all aspects of my life - basic possessions, basic eating, basic use of time. I only want to do what is important, what gets my mission done here on earth and over with. I am not here any longer to collect stuff or entertain myself. I am here for a reason. Sure, I need a break once in a while but if it doesn’t matter for eternity, if it doesn’t touch lives, if it doesn’t help or encourage others, if it doesn’t further the kingdom, if it doesn’t change me, well then I plan to banish it - box it, bag it, walk away from it. Whatever it takes to get down to basics.

I can't stay stuck on June 8

I turned over a new leaf today. Literally. The calendar page still read “June”. It was the Kinkade calendar that Jackie loved so much and June was the last month she was in the house and the last time she turned a calendar page. Like so many other things in this house, it had remained just as it was on June 8. That was the morning Jackie and I left the house early for the long-awaited appointment with the neurosurgeon. It was at that appointment that he said; “I am admitting you to the hospital right now.” Jackie never came back to our home again. She never left the hospital (though she was transferred a couple of times).

The house has started to take on the character of a bachelor (alright, it’s a mess). I need to go through the whole house as I have written before, starting with the garage, then my office then all the other areas. Eventually I’ll get to Jackie’s things. I need to do the same thing with my life. Since I have to stay here - its part of getting on with living. Its not that I want to do it, it’s just that I have to do it.

God says He does new things. I need Him to do new things in me right now. I can’t stay stuck on June 8 literally or emotionally but I am right now. And the calendar page and the house are just illustrations of that. Help me Lord to turn more pages of my life one step at a time.

Better and worse at the same time

How am I doing? Better and worse at the same time. I am sleeping better; I am getting to work and most days able to work hard and be fully engaged; taking care of the household somewhat; handling some paperwork and starting to control my food intake and exercise; starting to reach out to help and pray for other people. I have travel plans lined up. On the otherhand, I feel more lonely, more angry, more wanting not to be here and crying louder. So how am I doing? Its getting better and worse at the same time. That’s the only way I can think to describe it.

I plan to visit a Grief/share group next week.

Why am I here?

Why am I here: a question that has come to mind not a few times. And, frankly, a few times I have said to myself, “I really don’t want to be here. I want to die”. Of course, that’s just the kind of thinking Satan wants me to have. So I have had to repudiate that. And I have. When those thoughts come I try to fill my mind with God’s Word and God’s purposes. So, I am okay. Don’t worry, I am not going to either hurt myself or give up on life. But, the question remains, why am I STILL here?

I am here because of what God yet wants to do IN me and THROUGH me.

IN me. This is by far the worst crisis of my life though there have been some terribly difficult ones in the past. God’s overall purpose seems to always be the same: to test my faith that endurance might develop so that I might become mature and Christ-like. I can latch on to that as a purpose. I am also well aware of specific character traits and patterns in my life that He wants to work on with me.

THROUGH me. Some of my remaining ‘ambassadorial’ responsibilities are still unknown to me. But clearly I am surrounded by people, people who are not dead yet. Well, you know - people who are still on their journey and they need whatever I have from the Lord. I can invest myself in my family, my friends, my co-workers and into lives I’ve yet to meet.

I am certainly not ready to announce that I am finished mourning – because I am not! But I am resigned to the fact that there is no appropriate or available short cut out either. I am not going to get out of this thing called life until God does what He wants to do IN and THROUGH me. As much as I want to go on to heaven, “which is far better” as the Apostle Paul himself said, it is necessary that I remain.

So let’s get on with it. I’d still like to get “it” done quickly and get out of here but I guess that’s not under my control either, is it?

I have to supply both sides of the equation...

Our relationship to the Lord was the most important thing in our marriage. When we were close to Him we felt intimate. We loved to talk about the Lord together, pray together, read the Bible, or good Christian books. One of the most enjoyable things we did together was to work on Bible Studies, either the same study or different ones. Then we would share with one another what we were learning or ask one another questions.

The enduring part of our relationship is that the Lord is still the most important part of that relationship. Already I have seen that the closer I am to the Lord the more peace I have AND the closer I feel to Jackie as well.

So what I am really grieving the most is Jackie’s presence and touch and the ways in which we complimented and balanced one another in the practical things of life. These things were secondary to our intimacy with the Lord. But these are the things I am missing now.

I have to supply both sides of the equation right now. I have to provide structure and spontaneity. I have to plan and cook meals and go to work. I have to do all the finances. Make all the decisions and then execute them. And the list goes on. Most singles know this list well. Us newly arrived singles have to get use to it.

Right now, I am not functioning too well in the routines of life – I am more like a car that is moving along but with a flat tire. I don’t know if that is a good illustration or not. But what I am trying to find is my stride for living while at the same time dealing with my loss and pain. All my routines are gone. Nothing is normal. I have tried to hang on to as much of my old life as possible. Same friends, stay close to family, same Lord, same church, same job, same house but it is not enough yet to smooth out a very bumpy ride and especially for someone who really didn’t have a lot of natural structure and personal discipline.

Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?

1 Corinthians 15:51-57 (The Message) The Message (MSG) Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

51-57 But let me tell you something wonderful, a mystery I'll probably never fully understand. We're not all going to die—but we are all going to be changed. You hear a blast to end all blasts from a trumpet, and in the time that you look up and blink your eyes—it's over. On signal from that trumpet from heaven, the dead will be up and out of their graves, beyond the reach of death, never to die again. At the same moment and in the same way, we'll all be changed. In the resurrection scheme of things, this has to happen: everything perishable taken off the shelves and replaced by the imperishable, this mortal replaced by the immortal. Then the saying will come true: Death swallowed by triumphant Life! Who got the last word, oh, Death? Oh, Death, who's afraid of you now?It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!

the lady handed me the box and said, "Here she is".

We buried Jackie’s “cremains” today. I had not thought it would be so hard. After all, I know the Truth. I know where she is now. Her earthly “tent” has been folded up and left behind. She is not there. But when I went to the funeral home to pick up the box containing the ashes, the lady handed me the box and said, “Here she is”. I don’t know if that was an incredibly stupid thing to say or if they typically say that but it caught me off guard. I carried the box to the truck, put it on the passenger seat and then stood outside the truck and nearly threw up, coughing and crying for a few minutes. I was taking Jackie on her last trip and in her car. “Do you want some music on, honey?” Let’s just take a nice slow trip down to Red Oak/Paulette’s or maybe we’ll just keep driving and that way I will always have you with me.

Strange how one comment can set me off. Even a comment that is simply not true. That was not Jackie. She is not here. She is very much alive and thoroughly enjoying being with the Lord.

I’ve got to have periods of sadness. I need to take in the loss in order to move on. But I need to guard against untruths. Satan would love to use these to cause me to grieve uncontrollably and be non-functional. I could list all the non-truths he has tried to whisper in my ear. Maybe someday I will. It might be instructive.

Hooray! It's the Weekend!

It’s Friday night after a full work week. I didn’t want to come home. Friday night use to be special at our house. Kind of a mini-celebration and time to ‘kick back’; now, its just coming home to an empty house. You are supposed to have fun on the weekend, be with family, kick back, and relax.

Last Friday night I came home right after work and was a busy beaver around the house because I had a full schedule for Saturday and Sunday. This weekend I don’t know what’s happening. Sometime tomorrow we are going to bury Jackie’s ashes at the Red Oak Cemetery. I am looking forward to that event! Not! That’s all I have planned for now except for some more tasks around the house. So tonight I just drove around, ate out, drove around some more and finally made my way home. Not a very good coping strategy, I know.

You can tell I am feeling down and a little sarcastic this evening - maybe even angry with God. I definitely feel alone. Even though I am blessed that there are so many people looking after me, calling me, checking on me. I still have to come face to face with the fact that I live alone now.

I’ve got to make advance plans. I need to anticipate the weekends better.

Expressing my love for Jackie

Thanks Bruce for the idea.

Tonight I cut a single rose from our garden, put it in a vase and placed it next to a picture of Jackie I have here on the counter. No, it’s not a shrine. But it did give me a lot of pleasure to express my love in this way.

As time goes on, I know I will find other ways to express my love for Jackie. I have found some already. Loving her daughters and her grandchildren and the people she cared about and doing some of the things she and I talked about doing for others. All of these are ways I can express this abundance of love for Jackie that I have in my heart. Loving her Lord even more, honoring her by taking care of myself. Maybe even writing a note or getting a card for her if I feel the need. I am encouraged I can find ways to love her until I get to be with her again.

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Understanding the cause of the Tidal Waves helps - a little bit

Every new realization of the implications of Jackie being gone creates a new tidal wave. So intertwined were our lives, so habitual were some of our patterns that it is not possible to simply acknowledge, “oh yeah, she’s gone, so that means …”.

Like when I picked up the cell phone last week to call her that I was on my way home. Fact tells me, ‘you can’t do that, she’s not there anymore’. But habit took over and the phone was in my hand before I knew it. Then when it hit me that it was futile to call home to talk to Jackie, the tidal wave of emotions crashed in on me. Since that day, I have not been tempted again to pick up the phone and call her to tell her I am coming home. It is as though I have met and dealt with that aspect of my loss. But the pain marches on. I’ve moved on to new realizations and new implications of the fact that Jackie is no longer here with me. And when these realizations hit me for the first time they create a new tidal wave of emotions.

According to my friend, Bruce, this will go on for some time as each one of these practical implications of Jackie’s absence hits me. There just doesn’t seem to be any shortcut. I have to go through each “first time” to heal.

Of course, there are a few tidal waves of emotion that tend to revisit, the basic theme being, “I miss her so much and I am all alone”.

I take some comfort in seeing a pattern even if it will take some time. Apparently this is just how God made me/us.

"You're doing good, Fred." Am I? (subtitle: logic and truth vs. pain and emotions).

I’ve been reasonable and realistic. I saw how very sick Jackie was. She was non-responsive for a long time. Of course it was better for her that she went on to be with the Lord. Life in a nursing home would have been hell for her and for us. Paulette and I and others were with her when she died. We even cheered her on to release and to the Lord.

I know she is in a better place. I know I am to remain here for a purpose. I know I have things to do, things to take care of, people to love. I know all that.

But it hurts so much. I don’t really like this plan of God’s right now. My best friend is gone. She’s dead. Why can’t I be dead?! Yeah, Yeah, I know, I know, don’t ask that “why” word and don’t even think or wish for death. You’ve got to live Fred. You’ll heal. You’ll feel better – eventually. But I miss her so much; I can hardly stand it sometimes.

Today, I thought about Christmas and I thought about giving her gifts – something I loved to do. I can’t give her anything anymore. Not a present, not a card, nor a note or a flower. Nothing. I have love for her I don’t know what to do with.

I can love her children and her grandchildren and the people she cared about. I can love her Lord. But I can’t touch her; I can’t give something to her. I can’t talk to her, pray with her, debrief with her. I hate this. I hate this so much, I hurt so much all I can do is scream, cry and choke and throw up.

Maybe tomorrow reality, logic and truth will once again rule but right now emotion and pain are ruling. I suppose that’s healthy too, huh? Some people say, “Fred, you are doing good”. Thank you but how do you know I am doing good? How did you come to that evaluation? Can you show me a chart so that I can see where I am suppose to be? Do you realize that though you may see me upbeat and functional, I am a raving lunatic in some of my private moments?

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I can figure what I CAN DO for Jackie and for the Lord. Right now it just hurts like a painful slashing jagged wound.

Maybe the depth of the pain I feel now will be commensurate with the depth of my healing and rejoicing someday.

What about women in my life?

An inevitable question comes up now that I am thrust in to singleness once again: How will I relate to women now?

As a married man, I didn't think about it too much but now the dynamics have changed.

So, here is where I stand:

I have decided to continue to wear my wedding ring. As long as I wear it, I wish to signify that:
1. I am still deeply in love with Jackie
2. I am not available for dating or marriage.
3. I am married to Jesus as part of His bride the church.

I have always enjoyed fellowship with women. I am a good listener and I am interested in many of the things that women talk about such as relationships, feelings and spiritual things. In fact, sometimes in a social setting if the men start talking about finances, cars, guns, politics, sports, though I can keep up, I prefer to listen in on the women's conversation.

I am pleased to be a father-figure to two adult women, Paulette and Gayle. I see myself as an older man, a grandfather and not as an eligible bachelor. I believe the Lord wants me to maintain wholesome relationships with many of Jackie's women friends with whom she shared and prayed with over the years. The majority of my co-workers at Hope for the Heart are women. I believe God wants me to move circumspectly, yet freely in the circles of both genders.

In the company of godly men...

Yesterday, I went on a 1-day mission trip with 6 other men (ranging in age from 15 to 20 years younger than myself) from our Adult Sunday Sunday_School Class. We went to a Bilingual (Spanish and English) church about 4 hours drive northwest of Dallas. We did repair work on the parsonage. We had a great time working together, joking around, and were bonded by a common purpose. I was surprised how much I enjoyed myself, even though for brief times my mind and heart wandered off to my dear Jackie.

When I am with men who are attempting to live a godly life, I feel very alive and stirred in my soul. I also have that same opportunity on a daily basis in my department at Hope for the Heart

My masculine soul wants to be fellowshipping with other men either outdoors or at least while doing things (i.e. working on a project). When I am with other men of God in these kinds of settings I come away more committed to taking my role as a strong man who follows the Lord. To tell you the truth, sitting indoors, even participating in a good thing like a Bible study doesn’t quite stir me in the same way.

Life stage theory tells us that the older a man becomes, especially if married, the more he mellows and as they age men and women become alike in their interests and personality. While right now I still think of myself as an older married man I do want to reconnect more with my masculine side by purposefully spending time with godly men.

But, while it is true, I am no longer married, I am older. Thus by personality and life stage I have a degree of comfortableness and perhaps insight in relating to women that younger men are still figuring out. In a future blog posting I'd like to share what God is saying to me regarding how I should relate to women now that I have been thrust into this new role in my life as an older widower.

A few * personal goals...

It feels good to feel good. 2 good nights sleep, 2 good mornings and 1 complete day so far. I am aware of the likelihood of a sudden tidal wave of emotion, which seems to always be looming on the horizon. But eventually I'll learn to accept these as part of the healing process.

* I just want to be able to have a good night sleep, have energy, function well, and not be a drag to be around.

Another key to feeling better is to:

* get my eating (quantity and quality) under control. Fortunately, I have several guys at work and several in my church that are participating with me in an accountability relationship. Also, I have been
* exercising again (about 5x @ week) so that feels really good.

My natural tendency is to isolate, like most men and apparently as I have been reading, most widowers. But I want to:
* be involved, even if I have to push myself.
* be an involved father, grandfather, brother, friend. I want to:
* minister and receive ministry. I want to:

* stay close to the Lord. I will not make it if I don't do that.

And as I have mentioned, I want to:
* reduce clutter at home and simplify.

So, you can pray for me, and feel free to ask me how I am doing on these goals. Let me know what you are doing - maybe we can encourage one another in that way.

I'll never get back to feeling normal and maybe that's a good thing

Thank you Lord for a good night's sleep. Thank you too for TylenolPM! Thank you Steve for the mountain streams CD. Sleep is a wonderful thing. I feel much more hopeful, right now anyway. It is natural to want to get back to "normal".

But I am beginning to realize that I will never get back to "normal". People who have been through deep grief are telling me at least two things: 1. it will take a long time not to hurt so much 2. there will always be a hurt but it just won't be so painful, so debilitating as it is now.

Its good to know what to expect. And perhaps it is not so bad to always carry with me a degree of soberness and an ever present yearning for heaven and for the presence of the Lord as I go forward with my life and ministry. In talking to Gayle, the other night, she said something similar. She said that her circumstances right now, with all of the ongoing uncertainties are KEEPING her in "a good place" in that she has found a continual refreshing well spring of life as she digs deep into the Lord and into His Word finding there peace and so many treasures of Truth.

"The end of all things is at hand, therefore, be of sound judgment and sober spirit for the purpose of prayer" I Peter 4:7

"I'm on my way home, honey."

In the car, after work today, I started to pick up the cell phone and call home like I always do. Then it hit me. There is no one home! No one waiting for me; No one eager to see me, debrief with me, pray with me. It felt very empty and I felt very alone in the world at that moment. I parked the car and then I lost it for several minutes – another tidal wave had hit me.

I called and sent texts to a few people. And I found out once again that I have lots of family and friends that do care about me. Eventually the tidal wave went back out to sea and I was calm again.

But I need to finish that phone conversation I never had today. “I want you to know honey, that I am on my way home. I may be delayed for awhile, I can’t tell you exactly how long, there are some things the Lord wants me to do – don’t even know what they all are yet, but as soon as I get them done, I will be home."

God's plans for me...

My friend Lee was led to this verse this morning as he was praying for me, "I know the plans I have for you says the Lord your God, plans for you to prosper and not be harmed, to have a future and a hope." What a coincidence that this verse, Jeremiah 29:11 happens to be Hope for the Heart's key verse!

Lord, you know I had a miserable and fitful night's sleep and that I don't 'feel" that truth this morning, but I do believe You. Lord, please strengthen me as I go forward into yet another 'first day of the rest of my life'. Give me an eager expectation of what you are going to do in my life.

We were one in almost everything we did

Reader beware, this one is pure pain and heartache. Its just where I am this afternoon. Maybe I can encourage with the relationship we HAD if I can't with the mood I am in at the moment.
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I miss you so much, my love. But I promised I wouldn’t cry for you – I am crying for myself. I am happy for you that you are enjoying the presence of the Lord. But we never planned this- not now at 66, not you first. We talked about everything. We made plans together; we made good decisions together; we talked about everything; we debriefed and prayed everyday; we were one in almost everything we did. But now you are there and I am stuck here. I can't talk to you. I don't have your help. I miss you. I need you.

Not only am I left with a lot to do but this place just doesn’t compare to where you are right now. I know, I am an ambassador and all that and you have been called to the homeland and God wants me to remain but it still hurts so much not being with you. You gave me strength, structure, respect, love, advice, you were my helpmeet, now I am all alone and I don’t know how to live on my own. Maybe eventually but not now. I want to be with you. I miss you so much.

The first day of the rest of my life

I am back home after having just dropped off John and Jennifer at the airport – the last of my visitors for awhile. As the phrase goes: “today is the first day of the rest of my life”. Not too profound but very true. Some semblance of order, regularity, normality has to take shape in this my new role and status in life – all without Jackie who was the love of my life. This is a transition day to make lists, clean up a few things, organize papers and prepare to go back to work tomorrow. Right now I feel tired (probably just from getting up at 4:30am), very lonely and a little overwhelmed. Guess I’ll go back to sleep for a little while then see what enthusiasm I can muster to tackle some things, then go exercise later on. Sorry for being such a downer. I told you there would be postings like this! - Fred

But I am hard pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ (my addition: 'and Jackie'), for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Philippians 1:23

Paul was torn between being with Christ and remaining on here in the flesh. Right now, I think I can easily identify with those feelings. Its likely that as time goes on, that tension will diminish and I will find new things to entertain the flesh, new amusements, new purchases, etc… How sad that I likely will lose that yearning to be with Christ. But does it have to be that way? I’d like to believe that my grip on the flesh, on the pursuit of this world would be at least a little less tight in my remaining time here.

Edna Headland, Wycliffe missionary, gave me some verses on small cards today, personalized with Jackie’s name. Here are a few:

Ø Jackie now sees Christ face-to-face, no longer as through a glass, darkly. I Cor. 13:12a
Ø Jackie has been transformed into the likeness of Christ by the Spirit. 2 Cor. 3:18
Ø Jackie is now filled with joy in God’s presence and enjoying eternal pleasures at His right hand. Psalm 16:11
Ø Now she sees Christ as He is, and is like Him. I John 3:2
Ø Jackie has finally completed her journey homeward, found the full truth she sought, and is fully experiencing the life promised in Christ. John 14:6
Ø Jackie is now beholding the glory God gave Christ before the creation of the world. John 17:24b

These are the things Jackie is experiencing now. I long for heaven more than ever and especially when I am worshipping the Lord. I yearn to see Christ face to face; I desire to be transformed; I want to behold His glory, experience His promises. I want to be so close to the Lord AND to Jackie.

But, as Paul stated, “…yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake.”. No doubt, "for your sake” refers to my Sunday School class mates, my co-workers at Hope for the Heart, definitely my family by marriage and blood and others I have yet to meet. Of course I will stay on until He calls me home, but I just don’t want to become so absorbed in this world that I lose sight of heaven where my heart is, where my love is, where my Savior is. - Fred

Practical progress is very encouraging

My brother in law (my sister’s husband) John and my niece, Jennifer are here with me for a few days. They are both good listeners but what they really like to do is help out in practical ways. My sister, Nancy, who was here for Jackie’s Memorial Celebration calls them her, “work team”. I had a few clean up projects in mind before they came and they have enthusiastically found more. Not cleaning up sentimental things, not Jackie’s things – not those things. I feel no rush to do those things and when I do, I’ll be communicating with Paulette and Gayle. No, this is things like organizing, cleaning the freezer, the refrigerator, the pantry closet, the part of the garage where I have just been dumping things for 5 months, helping return various disability appliances we had borrowed, weeding and trimming outside. Jennifer is even cooking an abundance of food with an eye toward freezing some plates of food for me. All of this activity is very encouraging as I look around at areas that I knew needed attention but didn’t seem to have the energy yet to tackle them.

Some have asked, ‘so what are you going to do now?; Nothing so differently really. I live here, love this house, have great friends through our church and have a nice job. What I am going to do is slowly move through this house and remove all of the clutter we have accumulated – we always talked about that. I’ll start with the non-threatening areas like the garage and my office, then the attic and eventually to all the other areas. But there is no timetable, no “shoulds” on removing Jackie’s personal items. I may even keep some of these things around for quite awhile. We’ll see. I feel no pressure about that. But I do want the house to be clean and minimalist and I don’t want to have to leave all this clutter to someone else to deal with.

Perhaps the lesson in all of this for me after the "work team" is gone is that practical progress is very encouraging, even healing. If I can just do a little bit every day then I can look back and feel good about not being so out of control and overwhelmed.

I just have to get through this next hour.

She’s really never coming back. I was there, I know its true yet it is so hard to absorb, so hard to believe. It is so final. Jackie is gone, she is dead. We are all hurting. We all miss her so. Yes, she is more alive than ever but not with me, not with the girls, not with her friends. What am I going to do, Lord? I have lots of friends and family yet feel so alone. The protective shock is beginning to wear off. I am feeling it more and more each day. I feel shaky and a bit disoriented. I can only be efficient for 10-15 minutes at a time then I feel overloaded. Half of me is missing and everything I do and everything I touch reminds me of Jackie. I love her, always will. What am I going to do?

I guess I can’t look at the big picture of my life right now. I can’t even think of life without Jackie. I can only think of how I am going to live successfully in the next hour or so. Choose healthy food, exercise, spend time with the Lord, get some sleep, be around friends, take care of a little bit of business. Baby steps will add up to bigger steps and maybe eventually a vision for what lies ahead. Right now, I just have to get through this next hour.

Please pray for Paulette and Gayle and even for Jackie’s friends who are also hurting. We are all missing her in various ways.

Heavenly Citizenship and Ambassadorial role

As believers in Christ, we are told in Ephesians that we have a heavenly citizenship along with the saints and other members of the household of God. We are all growing together into a holy temple in the Lord. Jackie and I were born on earth, and became citizens here, but at some point in our lives both of us were adopted by the Lord Jesus, The King of Kings. We gained a heavenly citizenship, remained here as "ambassadors" and were promised a great inheritance when we came home.

The King has seen fit to call Jackie to the homeland. Her ambassadorship is complete. I am still here apparently because my ambassadorial role is not complete yet. Frankly, I yearn to get on with it and get it over with and go on home. We've never been apart for more than a week or so. It will be two weeks this afternoon.

Lord show me what my role is to be in this foreign land before you call me home to be with You and my beloved and the rest of the citizens there with you in the homeland.
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This morning I came to work quite early like I use to do before Jackie got sick. My habit had been to call Jackie at 7:00am from work to let her know I got here safely and talk to her for the first time that day. Usually she would be up by then and just finishing her exercises and getting ready to have devotions. It hit me hard that I couldn't call her this morning. I guess you can't call the "Homeland" from here except to talk to the King and His (and my) Father. Of course that's a great privilege. I wonder what she is doing now. Lord, please tell her I got here safely. I know she got there safely.

Friends Forever

I'm driving Jackie's vehicle now. This morning as I picked up her keys I noticed for the first time the pewter pendant hanging from the ring. It contained a heart with a cross on top of it, below the heart are two bears facing one another and below that the words, "Forever Friends". Needless to say, at that moment another tidal wave of grief hit my coast.

But actually, I've been thinking a lot of the enduring part of our relationship. While Scripture tells us there is no marriage in heaven it does speak of the unity we have in Christ (see John 17 - I've been meditating on this chapter a lot lately). I am perhaps more united with Jackie then ever, especially when I am in unity with the Father. I do not necessarily feel her presence in the house but I do when I am worshipping, which is what she is doing now. I think those who died in Christ are not so far away when we are also in Christ and in unity with the Father.

Jackie and I would always tell others, "we are best of friends". I can see that to experience that friendship now, my walking in unity with the Lord will be key.

The address label incident

I went to our desk here at home yesterday to fetch a few return address labels for some bill payments I was preparing to send out. I had a whole roll of "Fred and Jackie" ones and a few Fred Miska ones. So I figured I'd send the Fred Miska ones and toss the "Fred and Jackie" ones - after all, that's what you should do in a situation like this, right? But as I started to do it, the tidal wave hit. I couln't just throw 17 years of "Fred and Jackie" away. I doubled over crying and coughing. Later when I talked to my friend Bruce who has been where I am now, he said there is no rush, no timetable for doing these things. If it hurts too much, don't do it. He said, you might even want to go retrieve that roll of labels out of the waste paper basket. I've got to be gentle with myself, listen to my heart and not be directed by too many 'shoulds' during this grieving process.