Grief: Car Bombs and sniper attacks

Grief can be compared to a soldier riding in a tank going along a road in Iraq. If you ask him “how is it going?”, he might say, “Going great, it’s a beautiful day; I am enjoying my buddies and fighting for a good cause. Of course I can’t wait to get back home.” A minute or so later, a car bomb goes off nearby or a sniper takes a shot and he is hit. The soldier is hurt but he will survive. He will recover and he will keep on serving in the field of battle.

Living with grief is like this in many ways. You are a good foot soldier, just trying to fight the 'good fight'. One minute you are doing fine, the next minute you are hit with an ambush of emotions. There is no published schedule, no known pattern, it just hits you, zaps you for awhile and then moves on. The only things that remain constant are:

1. you survive and recover,
2. you keep pressing on and
3. you can’t wait to get Home.

Lord, help me to sleep tonight

If only I wasn’t such an emotional person. If only I hadn’t loved her so much. Crazy thoughts. Is this a dream? It can’t be I am still wide-awake. Can it really be? It was not suppose to be this way. I’m the one who didn’t take care of myself. You’re not supposed to be dead.

Don’t use that word, Fred. Don’t say, “suppose to” and don’t ask the question “why” either. You’ll drive yourself mad.

Lord, help me stay grounded and logical. I remind myself just how very, very sick she was. The cortisol was progressively aging and killing her. The stroke took her alertness away and caused her systems to crash. Dr. Moody said it was the largest tumor he had ever seen. It is all documented. It was all observable. It all makes sense. But now it seems crazy and unbelievable. How can it be? But I (along with Paulette) were there on a daily basis. If I can’t answer that question, nobody can. I saw it. I experienced it. Jackie is okay now. She is safe with Jesus. No more pain. She is waiting for the resurrection. She is praying. She has rested from her pain and her labor and her diligence. She no longer sees through a glass dimly but rather sees Him face to face. Halleluah and it’s all good. It is right.

So, Lord, help me to sleep now! Help me to go on. We are like a flower that quickly fades. Help me to finish this race well. I’ll try not to say “suppose to” and ask “why” anymore. Please help me to sleep. Fill me with your presence. Give me joy in knowing You and in knowing that my Jackie, I mean our Jackie, is in a good place in your presence. PLEASE help me to sleep tonight.

A Sense of urgency.

Jackie and I had a modest house by American middle class standards, about 1400+ sq. feet. In fact, our community of Cedar Hill has passed a zoning ordinance that now no longer allows houses under 2,000 sq. feet to be built – guess they want to keep the “riff-raff” out!

I t is amazing how much 2 Americans living on a modest budget with modest, sometimes frugal tastes still manage to accumulate in terms of possessions, paper (files, books, etc…), decorative items, even furniture!

I think it is the Lord who is giving me this sense of urgency to clean, toss and get the house ready for…. Something? But I am not sure what. Maybe I just see it as something I can do now. Maybe it’s the possibility of Tim, Gayle and family coming for Christmas. I certainly don’t have any plans to move anytime soon (I don't retire for another 3 ½ years). Perhaps I am pushing on this project because Jackie and I always talked about major cleaning and tossing. Certainly we would do some culling periodically but now I am doing a major overhaul of the house.

Someday, I will be leaving this house for whatever reason. From a practical sense, I don’t want Paulette, since she lives locally, to have to do this. I am not getting any younger so I want to take care of this now while I still have the energy and strength. I do want to be free to be with friends or minister without being encumbered by concern about taking care of the house. And I do think I will be absent on weekends more in the future as I do some in the States traveling to family, etc… Maybe I will be going to heaven shortly (but please note: Though I’ve made my reservation I don’t have any immediate plans).

Maybe this sense of urgency feels so right because it is very Biblical to be unencumbered by the things of this world. Primarily that means sin, which so easily entangles us. But I think it also means not loving the world or the things in this world. It means traveling lightly and being flexible to respond to the leading of the Lord. I have no debts other than a small mortgage but I want my house to be as simple and uncluttered and as well repaired as possible.

On the other hand, I don't want to do this!

On the other hand, I don’t want all this newness. I was content the way things were. I had my companion, my best friend, and the love of my life. I really don’t want to set up a little round table in the corner with a picture of Jackie and a rose next to it. I don’t want to change the house around. I don’t want to figure out what to do with myself so I won’t be so lonely. Sure, I'm going forward and I am making some changes, I am growing, learning and ministering some one on one but part of me just wants to sit down on the side of this road called, "Forward" and cry and scream, "I don’t want to do this!".

Well, I don’t have any choice so lets just be logical here. You can’t just sit on the side of the road and you can’t go back so YOU HAVE TO GO FORWARD. And so, I press on, toward the upward calling of Christ Jesus. Forward is the only way to go. Forward is where Jesus is. Forward is where Jackie is. He has gone before me: the “first fruits” of all that will be saved and resurrected.

But just let me sit by the side of the road a few more minutes. Then I’ll get up and go forward.

a sense of finality...

I had a hard time yesterday evening and today. The monument company placed the cemetery marker yesterday. When I went to see it, it was beautiful with a cross and praying hands on the stone along with Jackie’s full name, dates and the words, “wife, mother, friend” along the bottom. I did not have an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions but I did feel very sad and I felt a sense of finality and closure about it all. I guess seeing it set in stone like that makes it seem permanent.

After 24 hours of those feelings, my mood actually gradually improved this evening as I began to work around the house. I am continuing to clear off surfaces, get rid of old files, books, even some of my clothes. Tonight I moved a piece of furniture. As I do these things I am finding a greater degree of comfort in being in the house alone. Not that I am entirely over these emotions of saddness and loneliness, but at first, whenever I would come in to the house not only was I still very emotional, but the house had the appearance of just the way Jackie left it. Slowly, inevitably, as I do things in the house it is starting to take on more of my touch. Since I am not planning to move anytime soon, it occured to me that I needed to slowly change things around in the house to give it a new look. Not only getting rid of clutter (most of which I was responsible for), but rearranging things, eventually I may do things like new flooring and paint the walls. These things needed refurbishing anyway.

Of course I will never forget Jackie and probably never totally stop grieving for her and I will never stop loving her and her family. However, it seems as I move forward that God is in the process of bringing healing and new things into my life.

Looking forward...

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you" (Isaiah 46:4).

I have stepped out in faith for many things in my life. I could tell you many stories of how the Lord provided. But when I began thinking of getting old it seemed a scary thought. Indeed it was a scary time as we went through Jackie's sickness and homegoing. Now I am on the otherside of that. I have my own old age and possible decline to look forward too. And these things can be traumatic but I am embracing getting older a lot better now. I look forward to the Lord sustaining me and I look forward to being with Him rather than approaching old age with dread.

By God's grace, I am looking forward to diligently pursuing and fulfilling my purpose for remaining here on earth as a hopefully godly, older, mature, widower, Christian man. And the Lord is step by step revealing at least some aspects of that purpose for remaining. Still, I eagerly look forward to "that Day".

Grief cannot be rushed; i.e. there is no shortcut

The title of GriefShare email #21 is, "Grief cannot be rushed". Copyright restrictions prevent me from cutting and pasting the entire daily devotional here. The GriefShare videos and group have been so helpful and liberating. The emphasis is Biblical and realistic at the same time. By assuring us that grief can't be rushed and grief is an individual thing based on personality, it actually frees me to grieve. And as I go through the grieving process I move closer to healing then if I tried to deny, fit someone else's prescription or plan for me. If you have experienced loss or have a friend who has, I heartily recommend the GriefShare ministry. I have a link to Grief Share below.

The Problem of Eating Alone - finding the "new normal"

Thank you, dear, Jennifer, my niece, for the homemade plate of pot roast, potatoes and carrots. I cried as I ate it today. It was warm and healthy instead of fast food on the run.

Actually, back in September when she was here, Jen made up 8 or 9 complete plates for me. I’ve had it in the freezer ever since. The problem however is that when its time to eat at home, I just can’t bring myself to even microwave a dinner. I’d rather stand up in the kitchen and make and eat a cheese sandwich or waffles or just get in the car and go out to eat somewhere. It is so hard to sit at the dining room table and eat a regular meal – ALONE.

But starting this week I’ve adjusted my work schedule so that I come in to work later in the morning (to compensate for having trouble getting to sleep most nights – a new problem for me). What that also means is that I will need to have supper at work. I think this is going to work. June has provided us with a full kitchen (well microwaves, not stoves), but everything else. So I can now go in to the kitchen and heat up a meal and not eat it alone. I am either sitting with other people or at least there are other people around and there is a hum of machines and people talking. And I don’t feel so alone.

I guess this is just one more example of what it means to find my “new normal”. Maybe eventually, I’ll be able to make a healthy meal for myself at home and sit down at the dining room table to eat it. But for now, this works.

Pray for me

In a heavenly scene, prior to the bodily resurrection of the saints, the martyrs/saints already there cry out loud to the Lord to avenge injustice (Rev.6:9-11). The Lord answers them by telling them to wait awhile longer. This passage is just one example in Scripture of the saints who have gone before us praying to the Lord regarding what is going on on earth. So, it is clear they know what is going on, they have a voice, they talk to the Lord and they are aware of the passage of time.

To be honest, I will occasionally speak out loud to Jackie. Maybe that is futile, maybe not. But when I pray, I pray to the Lord, not to Jackie or any other saint. I believe, however, that she can pray for me and for what is going on on earth. After all, the Lord intercedes for me now. So those in heaven are not ignorant of what is going on here on earth.

Pray for me when you don't know what to say to me when I am expressing hurt and loss and strong emotion. All you need to do is tell me you don't know what to say and then assure me of your prayers. A hug is good too.

Stop and pray right there on the spot, if I or someone who is hurting calls or talks with you.

And likewise, I should pray more. When I am having a "tidal wave of emotion" I need to remember to stop and pray first before being so quick to reach for my cell phone to contact someone.

We have a high priest who knows what it is like to hurt and we can boldly come to Him.

...till forever

On the front, the card reads simply,

MY Wife,
My One and Only

On the inside right it reads:

…till forever
and then some

Happy
Anniversary

I wrote on the inside left:

October 20, 2007
Jackie,
I will love you forever. Jesus
can take better care of you then

I ever could but you are still loved

and missed. Pray for me.

Love,

Fred

Now is your time of grief

"So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy" (John 16: 21-22).

The context of this verse in John indicates that "Now", refers to the entirety of our present earthly life. While I am currently mourning a specific loss, grieving is also to be a way of life for the child of God. True, we can have deep abiding joy and peace in the Holy Spirit but when we reflect on our world, its sin, pain, persecution and suffering we ought to have a somberness, a grieving for what we see and experience. I don't want to be so enamored with this world and the things of this world.

I want to live the rest of my life aware of sin, pain, suffering and loss, caring for those who are hurting while at the same time looking eagerly forward to seeing Jesus and my beloved Jackie again.

I've done my best to cope and I am exhausted.

I am pretty down this afternoon. At least you'll know where I am at. Hope you find something worthwhile here for yourself.

--------------------------------

Yesterday, I threw out about 6 heavy duty trash bags of things from the garage and my office, read through and tossed out a lot of old files and notes, threw out an old microwave, mowed the lawn, worked in the yard some, cleaned the pool, washed and vacuumed the floors, laundered the sheets and made the bed, washed up the dishes, bought a few items of groceries, did a lot of cleaning. Took care of legal and financial items.

Instead of being good and tired I didn’t get to sleep until 4 am this morning. I must have stirred up a lot of emotions handling all of that stuff.

I am trying to do it all - right. I am trying to grieve right (e.g. attend a group, read good books, write down my feelings), function well at work, take good care of the house, efficiently fill out papers/make phone calls/copies/send faxes – as part of handling the myriad of household financial and legal details, be accountable to several different people for weight loss and exercise, diligently maintain relationships with friends and family, avoid my natural tendency of isolating by staying busy with other people, spend time with the Lord even if sometimes it is hard to concentrate.

All good stuff, but I am exhausted from running. I am afraid if I stop I will feel even worse.

Some eople have said to me, “your such an example” or “you are doing well”. But I don’t want to “do”. I am exhausted from “doing”. I just want to live, relate, be. I feel like I have taken on a very big and serious new job. I didn't want this job. You might call this new job, “Post Jackie Recovery”. Or another analogy: sometimes, I feel like I am an actor in a soap opera. But I am ready for this soap opera to be over. And likewise, I am ready to quit this new job! I’ve done my best to cope and I am exhausted and I am ready to relate and be and live. I am ready for Jackie to come back and for this nightmare to be over!!!

So, what’s the answer? Several things were suggested to me:

Ø IT IS exhausting because everything is new for you
Ø IT IS exhausting because you are making a lot of decisions.
Ø IT IS hard. Your wife is dead. She is not coming back.
Ø Don’t worry about whether others think you are doing okay or not.
Ø Go easy on yourself.

Getting Stuck in the Past vs. "Getting on with it"

At first, I feared getting stuck in the past and lost in my grief. Then I started feeling better and became excited about plans for the future and I began to fear I would forget Jackie and the things I had learned through this experience. I’ll explain.

Getting Stuck in the past. Obviously, there is no escaping the need to eventually(sometimes it is necessary sooner rather than later), deal with the myriad of legal/financial issues resulting from Jackie’s death or with Jackie’s personal items or the things that clutter the house. That is all part of dealing with the past. But also, part of dealing with the past is grieving. While it feels good not to grieve, not to cry, grieving is not a process that should be rushed. I am learning that healing comes about my doing “the work of grieving” and there is no short cut to getting that over with. I perhaps can say more about “the work of grieving” at another time.

But also, there are ways in which I want to continue to remember Jackie and honor her. And that could include doing a number of things from writing her notes, putting flowers by her picture, talking to people that knew and loved her, listing that things I loved about her. I really don’t want to ever put Jackie out of my mind and heart --- I just don’t want to hurt so much. I don't think that doing these things means that I am 'stuck in the past'.

Getting too excited about the future and slamming the door on properly dealing with paperwork, possessions, emotions of grief and loss, or by not giving her further thoughts nor honoring Jackie’s memory is not healthy.

Getting on with it. I must admit that not having unexpected tidal waves of devastating grief and emotion feels really good. And as I experience a measure of relief from grieving I find it easier to begin to look up and look around and look within. And In doing so, I see more clearly. I remind myself of who I am and what I value and what motivates me - such as love of family and friends and faith in the Lord. I rediscover interests and gifts I have. I meet new people. I do new things. And I actually become excited about "getting on with it", but I have already noticed there is a tendency to do so by shutting the door on the past and on my emotions, and by avoiding people and situations that could cause me to be sad and remember my loss.

To listen to some folks, it would seem the choice is either Getting Stuck in the past or Getting on with it. And most are quite concerned that the grieving person will get stuck. But it is not an 'either or' situation. Living on after my beloved Jackie's death requires a balance between the past and the future. It is good to be somber and it is healthy to grieve and remember, reflect and take care of business even as I 'get on with it'.

God in His Word encourages us to grieve certain things, reflect and remember 'the former things' and to remember our salvation. We stay rooted and grounded by doing these things. In the same way, as I move ahead in life I need to remember Jackie - even grieve my loss, remember her family and her friends and what I loved about her. And I need to remember how wonderfully desirous heaven seemed to me shortly after she died. I need to remember how much I desired to be there with the Lord and with her. I need to remember how clearly I understood that I was left behind in this imperfect and sometimes lonely world for a purpose. And that purpose was to be an ambassador to do the work of the King and not to simply remain so that I can find new toys, amusements and pleasures.

But only God can give me a balance between the past commitments and loves and the future possibilities. Being balanced is a supernatural thing. I need to ask God to live in and through me to pull that off.

The Lord is making a way forward

I asked the Lord what I should do with myself on our wedding anniversary, October 20th. I was really concerned about that and wondered whether I should stay at somebody’s house or rent a hotel room. Whatever I did, I just knew I could not stay in the house alone on our anniversary. Then last weekend I received a voice mail that the men’s retreat I had been planning to go on this coming weekend had been postponed by one week! Unfortunately, for a couple of the men in the class, that made it impossible for them to attend. For me, it put me in the company of godly men, away from the house and focusing on the Lord, nature and fun activities on our wedding anniversary. Thank you, Lord, for that provision for my needs. I think I may still buy a bouquet of flowers and even a card and put it by Jackie's picture. I loved our anniversary and always remembered to celebrate it and to celebrate the gift Jackie was to my life.

The fact is, Jackie is still giving me good gifts. I continue to celebrate the close bond that Paulette, Gayle and I are experiencing. I enjoy talking with them frequently, knowing what's on their mind and heart and seeing them as often as possible. It looks as though we may be spending some of the coming holidays together. Plans are still forming.

I am getting things done around the house, paperwork and culling and cleaning – haven’t even touched Jackie’s things yet. As I get on top of messes and decisions that have to be made, I am finding that my mind seems to be relaxing and I am sleeping better. I think it is analogous to having a clean conscience. When things are right with the Lord we have greater peace of mind and heart.

Lord, thank you for going before me and making a way forward where not so many weeks ago there seemed no way.

Home is not so sweet right now

Home is not my favorite place to be these days. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the house and property but I have been much happier away from the house and I have slept much better at night away from the house. In the motel last Thursday and at my sister's place in VA I slept much better. It was like a fresh start.

Everything in the house has Jackie's hand on it and that is no longer comforting to me. The house is lonely. I am lonely when I am in the house. It is as if there was a sudden evacuation and now after a long period of time I have come back to the site of the ruins. Life here, obviously, is not like it use to be. It is quiet, it is lonely, it is overwhelming, the silence is deafening. Everyplace I turn there is work to be done. Things that have just been dropped in a pile the last 5 months or so. There are piles of papers and legal documents on the dining room table. It seems Jackie left suddenly and there was no preparation. Cut down in the midst of living and now I have to pick up the pieces and make a life of it and a home of it for myself. She's not coming back and I can't go to her YET.

When I come in to the house, I am not even aware at first of how unsettling it is. Of how little peace I have here. Though I am tempted, it is not realistic to just close and lock the doors behind me and never come back, never sleep here again. Let the grass grow tall, the weeds overtake, the elements, the bugs takeover. No, I have to reclaim this territory, open the doors, let the sunshine in. clean it up, take care of things and in the process build my new life. My "new normal" as some others have said.

Pray for me as I "claim the land" or "reclaim the land". I want to do it vigorously but not ruthlessly. I want God to lead me through all the mini decisions that have to be made.

I think God wants to HEAR how we feel.

I think God wants to hear how we feel. True He knows how we feel and He sees how we act but I think the word teaches that we are to use our tongue to speak to God the truth about what is going on with us and do it out loud.

I have been learning a lot lately about praying out loud partly experientially (because I have felt a NEED to CRY OUT LOUD) and partly through reading Bill Gothard's book on this subject. Just read the Psalms and you see how David expressed his heart and mind to God. Even the negatives and the questionings as well as the praises.

I encountered these verses recently: "They followed Him with their tongues only. Their hearts were not loyal to Him." (Psalm 78: 36,37) What struck me is that sometimes our tongues do not speak our true feelings to God. Maybe we should tell God, "I don't feel like following You right now." Sometimes we sin but we tell God we love Him. At least I do.

My tongue and my actions need to be congruent. I don't think that "fake it till you make it" is a Bible verse. Do you?

There are times when I tell God I don't like what has happened. I tell Him I am hurting and I miss Jackie terribly. Sometiimes I am able to come around and also tell Him, "Nevertheless, I am going to go on and seek Your will as long as I have to remain". And I tell Him these things out loud.

"A change of scenery will do you good."

I slept in a motel last night because I was working late at a conference 75 miles from home. I actually slept very well. I think the uncluttered, no paperwork, no emotional reminders in the environment of the motel room helped put my mind to rest. Tonight through Sunday night I plan to be in Virginia at my sister’s house. A change of scenery will probably do me good and I expect I will sleep fairly well.

But the answer to sleeping well is not to move. Rather, I have to resolve paperwork issues and I have to make decisions on finances and possessions. It seems the only way I am going to feel more at ease at home is to take care of these things. Probably that’s why it felt so good to clean the garage last weekend. I’ve got to assertively take care of things in every aspect of the home and of my finances.

And the answer is not to remove all reminders of Jackie from my environment. I want to continue to express my love for her and celebrate the life we had together. I need and want to lovingly remember Jackie but not to be under a constant burden of things that I need to take care of now that she is gone.

So, yes, while it is true that “A change of Scenery will do you good”, the best thing I can do to help put my mind at ease and thus sleep better is probably to pursue my goal of going through the whole house, taking care of paperwork and making decisions.

Hope in the LORD

I am still having trouble sleeping simply because my mind is processing so much and I have no one to debrief with here at the house. Jackie and I did that every day and I really miss it. I think it is so important for couples to debrief everyday and pray together. It promotes a strong relationship and good mental health too.

I have actually had 3 days without a tidal wave of emotion sweeping over me. Didn't think that could be possible. It was so energizing for me to clean the garage on the weekend. I think it was energizing because I made progress on one of my goals and that felt very good! My friend Bruce is right. This grief is so powerful that if you don't take positive action to accomplish goals and deliberately feed your mind with positive truth you will get stuck emotionally and be pulled under. At least that is how I understand what he has said to me.

I attended a GriefShare group meeting last night. It was very good. I plan to continue. Seemed like a good balance between heartfelt sharing and sound advise and teaching. I recommend it to anyone going through a loss.

October 20th would have been our 17th wedding anniversary. I am already wondering what I need to do to take care of myself that day.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" (Isaiah 40:31).