...The Bible tells us that after the moment of death, a person is taken to Heaven or Hell based on whether he or she had received Christ as his or her Savior. For believers, after death is to be "away from the body and at home with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:6-8; Philippians 1:23). For unbelievers, after death means everlasting punishment in Hell (Luke 16:22-23)... Revelation 20:11-15 describes all those in Hell being cast into the lake of fire. Revelation chapters 21-22 describe a New Heaven and New Earth. Therefore, it seems that until the final resurrection, after death a person resides in a “temporary” Heaven and Hell. A person's eternal destiny will not change, but the precise "location" of a person's eternal destiny will change. At some point after death, believers will be sent to the New Heavens and New Earth (Revelation 21:1). At some point after death, unbelievers will be thrown into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:11-15).
These are the final, eternal destinations of all people - based entirely on whether a person had trusted Jesus Christ alone for the salvation of their sins.
© Copyright 2002-2007 Got Questions Ministries.
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If you want to but do not know how to put your trust in Jesus Christ alone for salvation from sin, I would consider it an honor to talk to and pray with you. - Fred. Please email me or call me.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
My new life plan: to be like Enoch of old
Here is my new life plan that achieves the balance I've sought between my desire to be with the Lord and Jackie on the one hand and on the otherhand to live on walking with and serving the Lord and loving others; I found it in Genesis 5:24:
Enoch walked steadily with God. And then one day he was simply gone: God took him. (MSG)
I am just going to 'walk steadily with God' and get so close to Him that one day He just takes me to be with Him. Simple plan isn’t it? And by God’s Holy Spirit working within me and His grace, that is what I will do.
Care to walk with me?
Enoch walked steadily with God. And then one day he was simply gone: God took him. (MSG)
I am just going to 'walk steadily with God' and get so close to Him that one day He just takes me to be with Him. Simple plan isn’t it? And by God’s Holy Spirit working within me and His grace, that is what I will do.
Care to walk with me?
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Vegetables, Sin and Grief
A blog reader after reading a recent posting, asked me if I had become a vegetarian. No, I haven’t but I believe eating vegetables were the key to Daniel’s success and they can be for me as well. That’s why I was so thrilled to have some good home cooking on my recent trip. On Thanksgiving Day alone, I counted 7 vegetables consumed (and no, none of them were sweet potatoes).
An Old Testament word study on the word fat might yield interesting results. It seems to me; not having done an exhaustive study, that fat is often symbolic of sin. If you do the study, let me know what you find out.
All I know is that I have been eating too much fat. Too much fast food and not enough balanced meals and especially not enough fruit and vegetables. I cannot continue to eat on the road just because I don’t feel like going home and eating alone. I’ve got to eat more frequently and better at home AND when I do eat on the road, make better choices. Being heavy as I am and loaded down with fat in my system tends to drag me down emotionally as well as physically. So you can see why I keep talking about vegetables.
There is a wider point to all of this too. And that is, sin, in any form, makes everything more difficult. If I sin in response to my grief, the grieving is prolonged and hurts more deeply. Unfortunately, I have experiencial knowledge that this is true.
So, no sin in response to grief and plenty of vegetables from now on!
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For "Fat" research, see Leviticus 7:22-38 and other O.T. passages
An Old Testament word study on the word fat might yield interesting results. It seems to me; not having done an exhaustive study, that fat is often symbolic of sin. If you do the study, let me know what you find out.
All I know is that I have been eating too much fat. Too much fast food and not enough balanced meals and especially not enough fruit and vegetables. I cannot continue to eat on the road just because I don’t feel like going home and eating alone. I’ve got to eat more frequently and better at home AND when I do eat on the road, make better choices. Being heavy as I am and loaded down with fat in my system tends to drag me down emotionally as well as physically. So you can see why I keep talking about vegetables.
There is a wider point to all of this too. And that is, sin, in any form, makes everything more difficult. If I sin in response to my grief, the grieving is prolonged and hurts more deeply. Unfortunately, I have experiencial knowledge that this is true.
So, no sin in response to grief and plenty of vegetables from now on!
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For "Fat" research, see Leviticus 7:22-38 and other O.T. passages
Monday, November 26, 2007
Expressing His love and mine
I had a wonderful trip, safety, good connections and comfortable warm relationships with everyone. I worked myself up too much before the trip BUT thank you so much for praying.
I am pleasantly surprised this evening that I do not feel a let down having returned to my home after 5 days of traveling, being with friends and family having fun, good conversation, plenty of hugs and good food. I feel very happy to be home and very motivated to take care of things, get organized and prepare for the next week and beyond. Waves of grief no doubt will continue to come (though less often) even as one hit me while I was in Pennsylvania but overall its nice to be home. And I thought I might never say that again. Thank you, Lord.
God is helping me to just love others. It seems that is my most important mission in life no matter whatever else I do. Love family, love my friends, express God’s love and mine. Give them a hug and a word of encouragement. That is my purpose and no title is necessary to do that. I feel very satisfied I could do that when I was with Tim and Gayle and their boys, Conor and Torin.
By God's grace I will continue to express His love and mine.
I am pleasantly surprised this evening that I do not feel a let down having returned to my home after 5 days of traveling, being with friends and family having fun, good conversation, plenty of hugs and good food. I feel very happy to be home and very motivated to take care of things, get organized and prepare for the next week and beyond. Waves of grief no doubt will continue to come (though less often) even as one hit me while I was in Pennsylvania but overall its nice to be home. And I thought I might never say that again. Thank you, Lord.
God is helping me to just love others. It seems that is my most important mission in life no matter whatever else I do. Love family, love my friends, express God’s love and mine. Give them a hug and a word of encouragement. That is my purpose and no title is necessary to do that. I feel very satisfied I could do that when I was with Tim and Gayle and their boys, Conor and Torin.
By God's grace I will continue to express His love and mine.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
On traveling, eating vegetables and loving
Tomorrow I travel to PA. I am not looking forward to the travel but I am definitely looking forward to the visits.
On the negative side, it’s the packing and trying to think of everything, preparing the house and getting my reservations, e-tickets, maps all in order. Lately, I seem to be forgetting things and losing things, having trouble making decisions and it seems packing and traveling brings all that out. And of course, once again I am making a trip alone! Then too, just the idea of traveling on a major holiday: The crowds, the standing in lines, and my bad back, walking to gates, changing gates. Parking the car, getting the shuttle, a big man sitting in small airplane seats, shaking my legs to maintain blood circulation so my cellulitis doesn’t act up, getting off the plane in PA, finding the shuttle to the rental car, finding/driving my route for several hours in the dark (I do have directions). And, it’s supposed to be raining in Lancaster on Wednesday. Wow. Do I need a major attitude adjustment, Lord, if I am going to enjoy the travel part of this trip.
But on the positive side, I am spending this holiday with friends and family whom I love. I get to give and receive love, eat vegetables, sleep soundly, deepen relationships, eat vegetables. Aaron and Marlene were our best friends in Dallas for many years before they moved. We were crushed when they told us they were moving. It has been good to stay in touch from time to time but it will be really good to spend time in their home with them and also to meet their family. Oh, and did I mention, eat vegetables? Then on Friday I plan to visit Jackie’s sister, Winifred, who also lives in the Lancaster area.
Then on to Tim and Gayle's. When Jackie first passed, I couldn't help feeling that there was a big hole she left as a parent (even if they are adults) and as a grandparent. I felt I should step up in my relationship with Paulette and the boys as well as with Tim, Gayle and their boys. But that is God's business really. Instead of a "should" I need to freely express my heart. How I personally really feel and care about them. I am realizing I can't really step in and fulfill the role and relationship Jackie had with them, I can only love them the way Fred would love them. And I do love them all!. So as I go to PA I hope I don’t try too hard to be grandpa to Gayle's young boys. That won't work. I just want to love them and enjoy them. I just want to try a little harder, perhaps, than I did before, to express that love.
On the negative side, it’s the packing and trying to think of everything, preparing the house and getting my reservations, e-tickets, maps all in order. Lately, I seem to be forgetting things and losing things, having trouble making decisions and it seems packing and traveling brings all that out. And of course, once again I am making a trip alone! Then too, just the idea of traveling on a major holiday: The crowds, the standing in lines, and my bad back, walking to gates, changing gates. Parking the car, getting the shuttle, a big man sitting in small airplane seats, shaking my legs to maintain blood circulation so my cellulitis doesn’t act up, getting off the plane in PA, finding the shuttle to the rental car, finding/driving my route for several hours in the dark (I do have directions). And, it’s supposed to be raining in Lancaster on Wednesday. Wow. Do I need a major attitude adjustment, Lord, if I am going to enjoy the travel part of this trip.
But on the positive side, I am spending this holiday with friends and family whom I love. I get to give and receive love, eat vegetables, sleep soundly, deepen relationships, eat vegetables. Aaron and Marlene were our best friends in Dallas for many years before they moved. We were crushed when they told us they were moving. It has been good to stay in touch from time to time but it will be really good to spend time in their home with them and also to meet their family. Oh, and did I mention, eat vegetables? Then on Friday I plan to visit Jackie’s sister, Winifred, who also lives in the Lancaster area.
Then on to Tim and Gayle's. When Jackie first passed, I couldn't help feeling that there was a big hole she left as a parent (even if they are adults) and as a grandparent. I felt I should step up in my relationship with Paulette and the boys as well as with Tim, Gayle and their boys. But that is God's business really. Instead of a "should" I need to freely express my heart. How I personally really feel and care about them. I am realizing I can't really step in and fulfill the role and relationship Jackie had with them, I can only love them the way Fred would love them. And I do love them all!. So as I go to PA I hope I don’t try too hard to be grandpa to Gayle's young boys. That won't work. I just want to love them and enjoy them. I just want to try a little harder, perhaps, than I did before, to express that love.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Rebuking the Whisperer
It never ends. It is always the same. No matter how much people interaction I have; no mater how many great and wonderful AND sure promises I have. It is always the same. I am alone.
Once in awhile I am content, most of the time it is the same loneliness. I guess I can see progress. I can eat and sleep in my own house now. It’s just that the gloom still comes back, not all the time and so that is something to be glad about. Nevertheless, the gloom, like a fog on a gray day comes back in and whispers, “you are alone, this is unending”. I am not looking for another mate nor do I doubt God’s presence I just hate talking to myself, cooking for myself (when I do), sleeping alone in the house.
I will get better. Maybe I will eventually celebrate singleness and its few advantages for serving the Lord and others. Maybe, eventually I will be content at home, even extend hospitality to others. But I am not there yet. Surrounded by flat, painful one-dimensional pictures and reminders of what I have lost.
Lord help me to rebuke the whispers of the gloom. The Truth is I am going through the natural process of grieving. I will not have these feelings of loneliness forever. I think I know from whom the wispers out of the gloom are coming from!
Give me Your Grace, Lord, for the present and give me the patience to know that healing and a new normal is on it's way even if it will take some time.
What about you, dear reader of mine? Is the Whisperer telling you lies you need to rebuke?
Once in awhile I am content, most of the time it is the same loneliness. I guess I can see progress. I can eat and sleep in my own house now. It’s just that the gloom still comes back, not all the time and so that is something to be glad about. Nevertheless, the gloom, like a fog on a gray day comes back in and whispers, “you are alone, this is unending”. I am not looking for another mate nor do I doubt God’s presence I just hate talking to myself, cooking for myself (when I do), sleeping alone in the house.
I will get better. Maybe I will eventually celebrate singleness and its few advantages for serving the Lord and others. Maybe, eventually I will be content at home, even extend hospitality to others. But I am not there yet. Surrounded by flat, painful one-dimensional pictures and reminders of what I have lost.
Lord help me to rebuke the whispers of the gloom. The Truth is I am going through the natural process of grieving. I will not have these feelings of loneliness forever. I think I know from whom the wispers out of the gloom are coming from!
Give me Your Grace, Lord, for the present and give me the patience to know that healing and a new normal is on it's way even if it will take some time.
What about you, dear reader of mine? Is the Whisperer telling you lies you need to rebuke?
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Struck down but not destroyed
Oh Jackie, it hurts so much. I miss you, honey. It hurts. Ou, Ou. I love you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. Oh Sweetie. Everything is the way it is suppose to be but I still miss you soooo much! Ou. Ou. I want to touch you. Hold you. Rub the back of your neck. Comfort you. Pray with you. I miss you soooo much.
Death in the Lord is a good thing. I would go absolutely crazy if I did not know that you were with the Lord and that we are still one in the Lord. How do people go through this without the Lord? I can’t imagine. I love you, honey. I miss you soooo much.
It hurts but we do not mourn like the world mourns. We have hope and we have a peace not like the world gives.
I feel wounded, struck down, alone and yet I am not destroyed. I will survive. Paul put it this way:
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).
Lord, this loss seems at times unbearable, especially tonight, but it has not crushed me. At times, I can’t even make a decision, I don’t want to go on and I am utterly overwhelmed, but I have not given up. My pain and my loss are always present, but so are You. I have suffered a powerful blow, a tremendous loss, but I am not destroyed. Amen.
Death in the Lord is a good thing. I would go absolutely crazy if I did not know that you were with the Lord and that we are still one in the Lord. How do people go through this without the Lord? I can’t imagine. I love you, honey. I miss you soooo much.
It hurts but we do not mourn like the world mourns. We have hope and we have a peace not like the world gives.
I feel wounded, struck down, alone and yet I am not destroyed. I will survive. Paul put it this way:
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).
Lord, this loss seems at times unbearable, especially tonight, but it has not crushed me. At times, I can’t even make a decision, I don’t want to go on and I am utterly overwhelmed, but I have not given up. My pain and my loss are always present, but so are You. I have suffered a powerful blow, a tremendous loss, but I am not destroyed. Amen.
Death, Mourning and Heart change
Do you go to funerals or do you avoid them? Attending funerals and/or facing the reality of death – your own or that of a loved one, can help you become wise. If you take to heart what can be learned from the experience it can change your values and your priorities. This blog represents some of the ways I have been changing through experiencing Jackie’s death. Here are a few verses from Scripture on the subject:
Ecclesiastes 7 - Wisdom
:2. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.
:3. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.
:4. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
Ecclesiastes 7 - Wisdom
:1. A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.
:2. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.
:3. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.
:4. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Truth Therapy
(newly translated Scriptures ready to provide "Truth therapy")1 Corinthians 15:55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
2 Timothy 1:10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
Hebrews 2:9 But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.
Hebrews 2:14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—
Revelation 1:18 I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.
Romans 14:8 If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
Romans 14:9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
1 Thessalonians 4:14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
1 Thessalonians 5:10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.
2 Timothy 2:11 Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him;
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Becoming a whole person
A single person admonished me, “Remember, Fred, as a single, you are still a whole person.” That was good advice but not necessarily accurate math right after the loss of your spouse. It takes time to “grow back” the missing parts of your life. You have to adjust and decide what things you will do and what things you will let go. When I began to lose Jackie this summer as her condition worsened it was a horrible, painful tearing apart. The result was raw emotional wounds and missing practical functioning parts of my life. The two of us, like many couples, had truly become one. No wonder I have felt like and functioned like roughly “a half a person”.
I can see now that I am becoming a whole person but still there is a huge emotional and functional gap in my daily life. God is helping me to heal and rebuild but still it takes time for a grieving spouse to heal from the emotional wounds and be a functioning whole person. By ‘leaning into my grief’ and asking God’s help and doing the hard things, I am healing.
I can see now that I am becoming a whole person but still there is a huge emotional and functional gap in my daily life. God is helping me to heal and rebuild but still it takes time for a grieving spouse to heal from the emotional wounds and be a functioning whole person. By ‘leaning into my grief’ and asking God’s help and doing the hard things, I am healing.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Bridging the separation gap
I think about being with the Lord and with Jackie everyday. I feel like I shouldn’t be here but for some reason I am. The separation is so acute it is painful. However, I have always struggled with a sense of pain of separation from the Lord. I could never walk with the Lord as consistently as I wanted to. I would wander in and out of His presence. Separation is the state of being I live in. That feeling is only enhanced now that Jackie is gone.
I really don’t want to be here. I want to be with the Lord and with Jackie. Yet, somehow, in the midst of these feelings I have a new respect, a new sense of importance for this life. Maybe its because I am here and They are not. I am carrying on for Them. This weekend I had the strongest sensation that The Lord and Jackie were on board my vehicle with me; that they were coming along for the ride and for the visit. I told Brandon that.
Now you may think I have completely flipped out but hear me out, first. Why would they come on board with me? I believe because They needed me to fulfill a mission of love. As I meditated on that reason, it made being alive here on earth suddenly more precious. And as I drove I began to cry and worship the Lord. You see, we, you and I, only have this short period of time to be Christ’s body. The saints who have gone before are cheering us on. They are all interceding for us. They want to see God’s work accomplished through us, see His righteousness and love shared. I want to be with Jesus and with Jackie but I am here to fulfill the work of Christ still needing to be done and this is the only time I can do it. While I am alive, in the flesh, on the earth.
Furthermore, when I do Christ’s work in the way He directs me I am not as acutely aware of the separation I normally feel from the Lord or from Jackie. I don’t want to waste anymore time. Its painful enough being here, being separated, to also just “kill time” indulging the flesh is stupid. It only makes the feelings of separation worse.
The only way to bridge the separation gap is to make the time I have here count. This life soon enough passes away and only what I do for Christ will last. But now I have a problem: I don’t know how to bridge the separation gap on a consistent basis. I can talk a good game; I know lots of Scriptures but in actual practice too much of my life has been about me and my fleshly appetites. What a waste of time.
Lord help me to walk so close to you on a consistent basis that I am not aware of any separation. Please come on board with me often as I do your work and as I love your people, as I show your love to my family, friends and those that are lost.
I really don’t want to be here. I want to be with the Lord and with Jackie. Yet, somehow, in the midst of these feelings I have a new respect, a new sense of importance for this life. Maybe its because I am here and They are not. I am carrying on for Them. This weekend I had the strongest sensation that The Lord and Jackie were on board my vehicle with me; that they were coming along for the ride and for the visit. I told Brandon that.
Now you may think I have completely flipped out but hear me out, first. Why would they come on board with me? I believe because They needed me to fulfill a mission of love. As I meditated on that reason, it made being alive here on earth suddenly more precious. And as I drove I began to cry and worship the Lord. You see, we, you and I, only have this short period of time to be Christ’s body. The saints who have gone before are cheering us on. They are all interceding for us. They want to see God’s work accomplished through us, see His righteousness and love shared. I want to be with Jesus and with Jackie but I am here to fulfill the work of Christ still needing to be done and this is the only time I can do it. While I am alive, in the flesh, on the earth.
Furthermore, when I do Christ’s work in the way He directs me I am not as acutely aware of the separation I normally feel from the Lord or from Jackie. I don’t want to waste anymore time. Its painful enough being here, being separated, to also just “kill time” indulging the flesh is stupid. It only makes the feelings of separation worse.
The only way to bridge the separation gap is to make the time I have here count. This life soon enough passes away and only what I do for Christ will last. But now I have a problem: I don’t know how to bridge the separation gap on a consistent basis. I can talk a good game; I know lots of Scriptures but in actual practice too much of my life has been about me and my fleshly appetites. What a waste of time.
Lord help me to walk so close to you on a consistent basis that I am not aware of any separation. Please come on board with me often as I do your work and as I love your people, as I show your love to my family, friends and those that are lost.
Friday, November 9, 2007
The emotional side of loss:
I am really feeling it tonight as I spend the entire evening alone in the house busily getting ready to go on a trip tomorrow.
It feels so strange washing clothes, washing dishes, putting a Christmas table cloth on the table and you are not part of any of it. I never expected to out live you. I never wanted to live without you. I hate this. I miss you so much Jackie, it hurts. Listen to me, I am crying out loud right now. It feels so strange packing for a trip tonight without you. I’ll go alone tomorrow and spend the weekend with Brandon in Oklahoma but I will take you with me in my heart and I will love him for you as well as for me.
I know that this is reality, even the way it is suppose to be in God’s plan. I don’t have to like it right now. I go forward, making plans, going places, preparing for the holidays and you are not part of any of it.
The Word tells me I am surrounded by saints who have gone before therefore I do believe you are close by. I also carry you and our shared values with me in my heart wherever I go. I really do believe you are right now in the Lord's presence in a much better place. And yet it just feels so wrong that you had to suffer all spring and summer and are gone now. We thought there was so much living yet to do. So much family time and our time yet to be lived and shared.
Please help me Lord to have your perspective. Help me Lord to live out my days doing what You want me to do. Help me to demonstrate your love to family and to friends. Help me to hear and follow Your Spirit’s leading. Help me to be courageous. Keep me emotionally stable.
It feels so strange washing clothes, washing dishes, putting a Christmas table cloth on the table and you are not part of any of it. I never expected to out live you. I never wanted to live without you. I hate this. I miss you so much Jackie, it hurts. Listen to me, I am crying out loud right now. It feels so strange packing for a trip tonight without you. I’ll go alone tomorrow and spend the weekend with Brandon in Oklahoma but I will take you with me in my heart and I will love him for you as well as for me.
I know that this is reality, even the way it is suppose to be in God’s plan. I don’t have to like it right now. I go forward, making plans, going places, preparing for the holidays and you are not part of any of it.
The Word tells me I am surrounded by saints who have gone before therefore I do believe you are close by. I also carry you and our shared values with me in my heart wherever I go. I really do believe you are right now in the Lord's presence in a much better place. And yet it just feels so wrong that you had to suffer all spring and summer and are gone now. We thought there was so much living yet to do. So much family time and our time yet to be lived and shared.
Please help me Lord to have your perspective. Help me Lord to live out my days doing what You want me to do. Help me to demonstrate your love to family and to friends. Help me to hear and follow Your Spirit’s leading. Help me to be courageous. Keep me emotionally stable.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The non-emotional side of loss:
The non-emotional side: listing what I have lost then taking appropriate steps to be functional again.
I lost my wallet. Don’t know where. Have retraced my steps, called stores. Just don’t know for sure.
So this morning I spent time on the phone, stopping credit cards, ordering a couple of new ones, going to the bank and getting to order a new debit card and get some cash. Get a temporary driver’s license and order the replacement one. Order another AAA card, get another proof of insurance certificate out of the file, notify Hope for the Heart to stop my credit cards and order another one.
At first I felt shock, then confusion and panic. Then I calmed down, listed my losses and then took action to see what I would need to do to function again. Some things like the cash in the wallet is gone forever as well as a few pictures. So for a short time, I was totally not functional and still for the next couple of weeks until all of the replacements come in I will not be at full speed. Once my losses are dealt with I will be functional and whole again.
Of course, recovering from loss is more than a practical, logical step by step return to full functionality. But it is helpful to figure out how you are going to compensate for your specific areas of loss.
The emotional side of loss is another matter. It doesn’t yield to logic and control and in fact it is dangerous to try and control it.
I lost my wallet. Don’t know where. Have retraced my steps, called stores. Just don’t know for sure.
So this morning I spent time on the phone, stopping credit cards, ordering a couple of new ones, going to the bank and getting to order a new debit card and get some cash. Get a temporary driver’s license and order the replacement one. Order another AAA card, get another proof of insurance certificate out of the file, notify Hope for the Heart to stop my credit cards and order another one.
At first I felt shock, then confusion and panic. Then I calmed down, listed my losses and then took action to see what I would need to do to function again. Some things like the cash in the wallet is gone forever as well as a few pictures. So for a short time, I was totally not functional and still for the next couple of weeks until all of the replacements come in I will not be at full speed. Once my losses are dealt with I will be functional and whole again.
Of course, recovering from loss is more than a practical, logical step by step return to full functionality. But it is helpful to figure out how you are going to compensate for your specific areas of loss.
The emotional side of loss is another matter. It doesn’t yield to logic and control and in fact it is dangerous to try and control it.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
State of the Fred report
Thought I would just give an update on how I think I am doing. Use the comment feature to let me know how you are doing as well.
Praise the Lord for sleep - 2 good nights in a row. It helped that I was so tired from not having slept Saturday night! I am learning that too much computer or TV time late at night is not helpful. Too much stimulation and too much light.
I made supper last night for myself and sat down at the table to eat it - first time I've done that! Now, if I buy some fruit today and actually eat it, I will start to have a healthy lifestyle again. I still need to bump up my exercise level. I have an annual physical scheduled for January.
My 11-7pm work schedule seems to fit my life and sleep cycle very well. At work, I am becoming more involved, more proactive, less needing to talk about my grief and more about other matters. I probably wouldn't have done as much personal sharing as I have except that everyone at work has been so kind and wanting to know.
Still, periods, moments of grief come and go unannounced and I understand that will always be the case.
I am going to Tulsa this weekend to visit my (step) grandson, Brandon; Paulette's oldest. For Thanksgiving I am going to Pennsylvania. I'll have dinner and visit with old friends with Wycliffe, Aaron and Marlene and their family. On Friday, on my way over to Tim and Gayle's I plan to visit briefly with Jackie's sister, Winifred. Then with Tim and Gayle's and the boys for a few days. Paulette and I talk or text frequently and have dinner together every couple of weeks. It has been a blessing to continue and broaden the relationship that was forged during the days at the hospital caring for Jackie. At Christmas, Tim and Gayle are coming to Texas. They also plan to visit friends Gayle has known for years (since she spent her teenage years here in Texas).
I talk to my Mom (age 85) in Virginia on the phone nearly everyday and talk or text my sister Nancy almost daily. She has been wonderful and checks up on me regularly.
I've been on activities with the men of my adult Sunday School class and participated in class socials. This almost daily blog writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me and has touched a few others along the way. I have not stayed isolated, though it was a temptation for awhile. I call people on the phone if I need support or prayer or just to catch up with what is going on in their lives.
Hope for the Heart, where I work, has been a wonderful place for me. Everyone from administration to co-workers have been encouraging and supportive. I like what I do and like being part of something that furthers the kingdom of God.
My goals are simple right now. Simplify the house, put my unique stamp on it. I am motivated to keep working on that. My other goal is to have a healthy lifestyle.
I am content wearing my wedding ring and remaining single.
I look eagerly forward to being with the Lord but do not have a morbid fascination about heaven or death nor do I lack desire to press forward in my life. I am taking care of financial matters. I am blessed that I have no debts except a small mortgage and the normal monthly expenses.
I thank God for His comforting presence in my life. I miss Jackie everyday but am moving forward.
Praise the Lord for sleep - 2 good nights in a row. It helped that I was so tired from not having slept Saturday night! I am learning that too much computer or TV time late at night is not helpful. Too much stimulation and too much light.
I made supper last night for myself and sat down at the table to eat it - first time I've done that! Now, if I buy some fruit today and actually eat it, I will start to have a healthy lifestyle again. I still need to bump up my exercise level. I have an annual physical scheduled for January.
My 11-7pm work schedule seems to fit my life and sleep cycle very well. At work, I am becoming more involved, more proactive, less needing to talk about my grief and more about other matters. I probably wouldn't have done as much personal sharing as I have except that everyone at work has been so kind and wanting to know.
Still, periods, moments of grief come and go unannounced and I understand that will always be the case.
I am going to Tulsa this weekend to visit my (step) grandson, Brandon; Paulette's oldest. For Thanksgiving I am going to Pennsylvania. I'll have dinner and visit with old friends with Wycliffe, Aaron and Marlene and their family. On Friday, on my way over to Tim and Gayle's I plan to visit briefly with Jackie's sister, Winifred. Then with Tim and Gayle's and the boys for a few days. Paulette and I talk or text frequently and have dinner together every couple of weeks. It has been a blessing to continue and broaden the relationship that was forged during the days at the hospital caring for Jackie. At Christmas, Tim and Gayle are coming to Texas. They also plan to visit friends Gayle has known for years (since she spent her teenage years here in Texas).
I talk to my Mom (age 85) in Virginia on the phone nearly everyday and talk or text my sister Nancy almost daily. She has been wonderful and checks up on me regularly.
I've been on activities with the men of my adult Sunday School class and participated in class socials. This almost daily blog writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me and has touched a few others along the way. I have not stayed isolated, though it was a temptation for awhile. I call people on the phone if I need support or prayer or just to catch up with what is going on in their lives.
Hope for the Heart, where I work, has been a wonderful place for me. Everyone from administration to co-workers have been encouraging and supportive. I like what I do and like being part of something that furthers the kingdom of God.
My goals are simple right now. Simplify the house, put my unique stamp on it. I am motivated to keep working on that. My other goal is to have a healthy lifestyle.
I am content wearing my wedding ring and remaining single.
I look eagerly forward to being with the Lord but do not have a morbid fascination about heaven or death nor do I lack desire to press forward in my life. I am taking care of financial matters. I am blessed that I have no debts except a small mortgage and the normal monthly expenses.
I thank God for His comforting presence in my life. I miss Jackie everyday but am moving forward.
Monday, November 5, 2007
"Leaning into my grief" when it revisits
I’ve heard this expression in several different contexts so don’t know who to attribute it to. It means to face or confront my grief. It means that it will come back and when it does, I need to embrace it, express it – whether I do that through my writing, talking to others, crying, smiling, praying.
I am beginning to understand from the grief literature that I can never expect in my lifetime to be totally free from the pain of this major loss nor should or can I declare at some future point that I am totally healed of the pain of my loss. In short, my heart will never again be the same. I will never forget Jackie; I will never stop loving her and I will never stop grieving my loss.
Some theologians may disagree with me here but I am going to borrow and modify a verse from the epistle of John. I will state that if any man (or woman) says he (she) is “totally healed” of their major loss of a spouse or other close loved one they are a liar and the truth is not in them. That person’s grief simply has not been resolved and they are refusing to acknowledge it any longer (if they ever did). This is an extremely dangerous and emotionally and even mentally unhealthy situation.
So what can I or any person who has suffered a major loss, expect? We can expect that the intensity of the pain will decrease over time, especially if we allow ourselves to feel and express grief when it comes over us, i.e. leaning in to the pain. But it will revisit periodically without warning.
By leaning into the pain when it revisits I:
Ø can expect to become increasingly functional, flourish again and become fruitful.
Ø prevent emotional paralysis
Ø stay healthy emotionally
Ø enjoy the memories and the love I have for Jackie.
Occasional returning of grief reminds me I will never be the same and that is a good thing. Returning grief keeps me healthy and humble and focused on God and heaven.
It is as though God allows Jackie to return to me periodically through my grief in order to accomplish good things in me that might not otherwise be accomplished. I just need to embrace it. Lean into it.
I am beginning to understand from the grief literature that I can never expect in my lifetime to be totally free from the pain of this major loss nor should or can I declare at some future point that I am totally healed of the pain of my loss. In short, my heart will never again be the same. I will never forget Jackie; I will never stop loving her and I will never stop grieving my loss.
Some theologians may disagree with me here but I am going to borrow and modify a verse from the epistle of John. I will state that if any man (or woman) says he (she) is “totally healed” of their major loss of a spouse or other close loved one they are a liar and the truth is not in them. That person’s grief simply has not been resolved and they are refusing to acknowledge it any longer (if they ever did). This is an extremely dangerous and emotionally and even mentally unhealthy situation.
So what can I or any person who has suffered a major loss, expect? We can expect that the intensity of the pain will decrease over time, especially if we allow ourselves to feel and express grief when it comes over us, i.e. leaning in to the pain. But it will revisit periodically without warning.
By leaning into the pain when it revisits I:
Ø can expect to become increasingly functional, flourish again and become fruitful.
Ø prevent emotional paralysis
Ø stay healthy emotionally
Ø enjoy the memories and the love I have for Jackie.
Occasional returning of grief reminds me I will never be the same and that is a good thing. Returning grief keeps me healthy and humble and focused on God and heaven.
It is as though God allows Jackie to return to me periodically through my grief in order to accomplish good things in me that might not otherwise be accomplished. I just need to embrace it. Lean into it.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Catching up with the Truth
I don’t know why I can’t sleep. Just look at the time of this posting! I didn’t take any sleep aids tonight- maybe that’s why. I did spend late morning, all afternoon and evening in the house but four of those hours I wasn’t alone, as Todd came over and did some plumbing work for me. So it is not like I was alone with my thoughts for the whole time. But some how, my mind is wired and won’t shut down.
At first, I am not aware of any grieving thoughts – it’s just that I am awake. But then as the evening turns to midnight and beyond I begin to grieve at a low level. I start to shake my head, “can’t believe she’s dead. Its incredible. Oh honey, I miss you terribly”.
Its not that I have any problem with the factuality, the reality that Jackie is gone. I know she is not going to walk in that door any minute. I have no expectation of that. So, I am told that’s one step in the grieving process that I have moved past. So, what do I mean when I say, “I don’t believe she is dead.”? I do believe it – now. I know the truth and accept it and it is setting me free to move on. It is just that sometimes the truth, the reality of it all is a reality that is too big to encompass. It seems too overwhelming. My mind says its true, and that’s a healthy healing thing but on the other hand my emotions just gasp and become overloaded sometimes. I just have to catch up with the truth.
Maybe it works that way in the rest of my Christian walk as well - I just have to catch up with, take it all in, accept on an emotional and heart level the Truth, whether that Truth is harsh or wonderful to hear. Then I begin to move ahead and experience victory, healing and rest. Especially rest!
At first, I am not aware of any grieving thoughts – it’s just that I am awake. But then as the evening turns to midnight and beyond I begin to grieve at a low level. I start to shake my head, “can’t believe she’s dead. Its incredible. Oh honey, I miss you terribly”.
Its not that I have any problem with the factuality, the reality that Jackie is gone. I know she is not going to walk in that door any minute. I have no expectation of that. So, I am told that’s one step in the grieving process that I have moved past. So, what do I mean when I say, “I don’t believe she is dead.”? I do believe it – now. I know the truth and accept it and it is setting me free to move on. It is just that sometimes the truth, the reality of it all is a reality that is too big to encompass. It seems too overwhelming. My mind says its true, and that’s a healthy healing thing but on the other hand my emotions just gasp and become overloaded sometimes. I just have to catch up with the truth.
Maybe it works that way in the rest of my Christian walk as well - I just have to catch up with, take it all in, accept on an emotional and heart level the Truth, whether that Truth is harsh or wonderful to hear. Then I begin to move ahead and experience victory, healing and rest. Especially rest!
Friday, November 2, 2007
Being concrete and specific
Grieving a loss, especially of the magnitude of a beloved spouse or other loved one is a progressive thing. You simply cannot comprehend all that you have lost and all the ramifications of that loss at one time. Perhaps that is why it is suggested that you list what you have lost. The purpose is not to dwell on or prolong your sense of grief but actually to work THROUGH it. For example, I have lost:
My best earthly friend
My…
Ø greeter when I come home
Ø fellow debriefer at the end of the day
Ø sister in the Lord
Ø prayer partner, prayer supporter, prayer warrior
Ø hugger, lover,
Ø person I communicate with throughout the day
Ø encourager
Ø truth teller
Ø financial record keeper
Ø marital status
Ø income from her social security
Ø co-decision maker and planner
Ø clothes washer
Ø homemaker
Ø Etc…
I am not finished with the list. Jackie was so much a part of my daily life and who I am. It will take a long time to rebuild but God is helping me and I can be whole again. Facing my losses in their various facets actually helps move through the grief process on to healing.
May I also encourage you to make a list of what you are thankful for in your spouse, children, parents or other loved ones while they are with you and share it with them. Jackie and I did that frequently for one another - verbally, in cards and notes and it deepened our relationship. Saying I love you is great and unconditional love is great. But it is also helpful to be concrete and specific about what you love and appreciate about your love one. Do it today.
My best earthly friend
My…
Ø greeter when I come home
Ø fellow debriefer at the end of the day
Ø sister in the Lord
Ø prayer partner, prayer supporter, prayer warrior
Ø hugger, lover,
Ø person I communicate with throughout the day
Ø encourager
Ø truth teller
Ø financial record keeper
Ø marital status
Ø income from her social security
Ø co-decision maker and planner
Ø clothes washer
Ø homemaker
Ø Etc…
I am not finished with the list. Jackie was so much a part of my daily life and who I am. It will take a long time to rebuild but God is helping me and I can be whole again. Facing my losses in their various facets actually helps move through the grief process on to healing.
May I also encourage you to make a list of what you are thankful for in your spouse, children, parents or other loved ones while they are with you and share it with them. Jackie and I did that frequently for one another - verbally, in cards and notes and it deepened our relationship. Saying I love you is great and unconditional love is great. But it is also helpful to be concrete and specific about what you love and appreciate about your love one. Do it today.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Free to be me
I really appreciate the emphasize in the GriefShare program materials and video on the unique way in which each person grieves. It helps set me free not to be concerned that others might think I am going too quickly or too slowly in the process. Not that I have received very many “shoulds” from others. On the contrary, I am blessed to be surrounded by wise, sensitive and supportive friends and family. Very few people have said well intentioned but hurtful things like I have heard about. Statements like:
“you should have thrown her clothes away by now” or
“you need to get married” or
"You should be over it by now, pull yourself together.”
But apparently enough people who have gone through the grieving process have heard these kind of hurtful things that the writers and producers of the GriefShare materials felt it important to assure us that we are each unique and will grieve at our own pace and in our own way.
This is very liberating. I sense a certain degree of freedom and even joy in the midst of the grief process just knowing it is OK to be me. So in the midst of one of the worse events of my life, I am actually experiencing how freeing it feels to be me.
Freedom to let others be themselves is a good thing to carry on beyond the grief process. We probably all put too many expectations on one another and on our selves. This prevents them and us from experiencing freedom - freedom to manifest our unique personality, freedeem to express our creativity or free to choose our career path. There are so many applications to this principle.
We need to give others, especially family members, the freedom to make choices and express themselves. Even the Lord gives people freedom to choose. That way, when they decide to go His way, they are still free. And Christ breaks the power of sin in our life and then we no longer have that bondage either!
“you should have thrown her clothes away by now” or
“you need to get married” or
"You should be over it by now, pull yourself together.”
But apparently enough people who have gone through the grieving process have heard these kind of hurtful things that the writers and producers of the GriefShare materials felt it important to assure us that we are each unique and will grieve at our own pace and in our own way.
This is very liberating. I sense a certain degree of freedom and even joy in the midst of the grief process just knowing it is OK to be me. So in the midst of one of the worse events of my life, I am actually experiencing how freeing it feels to be me.
Freedom to let others be themselves is a good thing to carry on beyond the grief process. We probably all put too many expectations on one another and on our selves. This prevents them and us from experiencing freedom - freedom to manifest our unique personality, freedeem to express our creativity or free to choose our career path. There are so many applications to this principle.
We need to give others, especially family members, the freedom to make choices and express themselves. Even the Lord gives people freedom to choose. That way, when they decide to go His way, they are still free. And Christ breaks the power of sin in our life and then we no longer have that bondage either!
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