Death: Its All Part of the Plan

It is wonderful to fellowship with a fellow Christian, especially praying, reading aloud and studying the Word together. It is such a joy to share the wonderful things the Lord is teaching you and the ways He is leading you both separately and together. Serving the Lord in ministry side by side is a joy too.

Jackie and I enjoyed sitting at our dining room table and sharing what the Lord was doing in our lives and the passion for ministering to others that we both shared. But part of this wonderful relationship in the Lord, you might say bluntly, "part of the "deal" was always the fact that in order to obtain the full benefits of our saving relationship with Christ, i.e. our eternal inheritance, we would both have to die, likely one before the other. For the Bible makes it clear that, "flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God". While we freely talked about death, about wills, investments, etc... and while we always knew that someday we would die and be with the Lord, I don't think we fully appreciated the value as well as the necessity of dying. But actually, it was always part of this wonderful plan of salvation we enjoyed together.

So, it should not seem so strange or such an affront that we have to die. It is God's way of getting us ready to inherit the kingdom.

The transition part of the plan for Jackie and for many other brothers and sisters in the Lord has already been fulfilled; the fulfillment of the plan for you and me is yet future.

Death is a shock, it hurts; we may wonder why but really, everything is under control and it is all part of God's plan.
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Corinthians 15:50I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.

Hebrews 2:14Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—

John 6:53Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.

Who me? I'm not angry!

Anger, is apparently a pretty normal part of the grief process for most people. Of course, being a mild mannered, gentle person, pleasant to everyone, I do not easily identify with the emotion of anger or even recognize its existence. Other people may get angry: I just get sad. But grief literature speaks frequently of the presence of anger in grief. Of course, since I am different than other people, I don’t have to experience EVERY emotion that OTHER people experience to be going through a healthy grieving process…

Oh sure, occasionally I’ll slam something down on the table or throw something across the room but I don’t really get angry. Sure, on occasion I am sarcastic (like I am right now) but that is not anger, is it? Sometimes I'll make an "observation" or two to myself, like the other day when I was looking at Jackie’s table in my home office and I observed, “all I have left of Jackie is a d_ _ _ table!”. And while I am at it, “this being alone in the house sure is a lot of fun!”

But not me, I don’t deal with anger. Other people do. Of course, I have told God several times what I think of how this past summer unfolded and what happened to Jackie’s body and that I felt cheated out of any conversation with her virtually the entire summer. But I’m not really angry, I’m just, expressing my honest feelings --- you know, like in the Psalms of David, when he tells God how he feels about things. Oh, you say David was angry and frustrated sometimes? Hmm...

Grief reveals everything that is in you. One of the things it is revealing is my sense of being a victim – again. It’s revealing that I feel I deserve punishment. It’s revealing that I have always had anger but instead of expressing it outwardly, I usually turn it inward – on myself or I express it sideways through sarcasm or a muttered curse word or slamming something a little extra hard.

I am slowly accepting the fact that anger is also a part of my makeup and is part of my grief and that it is okay to slowly let it out without hurting others or becoming bitter. God can handle it and God can heal and God can change my thinking. God is wanting to use this present moment of grief in my life to reveal, to cleanse and to heal me.

Lord, I don’t want to waste my grief. The price was too high not to grow through this and become all you want me to be. I know I have more growing to do before it’s my turn to go home.

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"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26 NASB).

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (29:11).

"But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned" (Psalm 39:2-3).

Jackie's table in my office at home

I miss you so much, dear.

Because of Him

I bought a Crèche today. I was shopping at CVS looking for other items and saw this one. I began to tear up as I remembered how last year Jackie and I looked all around for one and could not find what we liked. I knew I had to get it. I put it on the little table in my office at home where I have Jackie's pictures, her Bible and now her Christmas card.

Because of Jesus we have the Blessed Hope that we will see Him one day and we will see Jackie again.

Today, Tomorrow, And Always...

I bought a card for Jackie and put it on the table next to her picture.

The red cover of the Christmas card reads in Gold script:

With Love
To My Wife

Today,
Tomorrow,
And Always


On the inside it reads in red on an off white insert:

Dec. 2007
Jackie,

As time’s gone by, the two of us
Have shared a lot of things –
The comfort and companionship
A happy marriage brings,
A lot of hopes and dreams fulfilled
And memories we hold dear -
But most of all, the kind of love
That deepens every year.

Today, Tomorrow, and Always,
I Love You with All My Heart

Merry Christmas

Love,

Fred

I loved to give Jackie gifts; what do I do now?

I love to give gifts. My parents were generous with us kids and I caught that spirit. I like to do it anytime of the year but Christmas especially. I loved to buy things for Jackie. It hurts so much that I am unable to do that for her this year. I see things I could get her that would please her. I see a new bible study booklet, Cowboys paraphernalia (she would be so excited about the Cowboys this year!), a pair of slippers to replace those worn out ones she wore all the time, a gift certificate for a pedicure, a holiday poinsettia, a special Christmas decoration, a new Kinkade calendar, etc… Jackie was my favorite topic of study and I observed her all the time. Sometimes I would buy something when it was not a holiday. Sometimes, in the middle of the summer, I would write something down in my Day-Timer on the page for December. Then when Christmas came I was ready to shop. I really feel thwarted not to be able to get her anything this year. I am enjoying getting things for others however.

Any of the intangible things that I could give her frankly seem at first to be so epheral and empty but I guess they really are not. For example, I can give her my life lived well until it is time to join her. I can love her family and her Lord, and mine. I can try to maintain some of her relationships. I can give to and pray for the missionaries she loved. I can honor her memory and keep our shared values and committments.

Like the Lord, in a sense, she has everything she needs now. What can we give the Lord? Donations are nice; acts of service are good but most importantly we can walk humbly before Him and love others.

But some things DO NOT CHANGE.

When I refer to the “Post Jackie” stage of my life, I am referring to my life after her death. It means the loss of my old life as a married man with all the privileges, responsibilities and relationships that were part of that life. It means the loss of Jackie, my best friend and lover.

BUT the “Post Jackie” stage of my life does not mean a break from the values we shared in common nor from the lovely family I married in to. And it does not mean I will not see her again. In fact, I will see her again.

Some things remain the same: My love, commitments, family and friendship ties, values and much of my physical environment.

In a period of change, it is important to remember what things DO NOT CHANGE:

Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; (Heb. 12:28 NASV)

Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The LORD is the eternal God, Creator of the earth. He never gets weary or tired; His wisdom cannot be measured. (Isaiah 40:28)

God is no mere human! He doesn't tell lies or change His mind. God always keeps His promises. (Numbers 23:19)

Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father who created all the lights in the heavens. He is always the same and never makes dark shadows by changing. (James 1:17)

Jesus Christ never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

2008: The "Post Jackie" stage of my life

I just wrote my first 2008 appointment in my DayTimer. It’s for an annual physical in early January. Pretty routine transaction but now as I reflect on it those 2 items bring in a rush of emotions.

First of all, there is the matter of the year, “2008”. That means that barring unforeseen circumstances, I will be alive and go on living beyond the year that my wife died. For awhile, I’ve really not wanted to go on without Jackie and yet here I am soon to face the New Year and going forward, leaving behind my old life and my lost relationship. It seems so weird to be living in the ‘post Jackie” stage of my life. Not sure I can even explain it to you. Yet if the Lord wills, going on I will.

Secondly, there is the matter of having a physical with no one to share with. We shared everything. And I am scheduling this physical not because I feel sickly but simply because I am due for one. Of course, I will have a small list of a few minor things (at least that I am aware of) that I want to ask the doctor about. Again it feels so strange that Jackie took such good care of herself and I have always been so undisciplined and yet here I am going on. Surely, it is the sovereignty of God and no justification for my lack of self control.

You’ve obviously left me here for a reason, Lord. I really don’t like being in the “post Jackie” stage of my life. Lord, help me to accept this stage and live like I belong here. And Lord, help me to want to take better care of myself in 2008 so that I can make the most out of the time I have left.

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How does the approaching New Year affect you? Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or with fear? What are your reflections on 2007? In what ways are you asking the Lord to help you go forward in 2008?

Trusting in the King of kings and Lord of lords

The little Nativity scene acted out by the children was touching. The mystery that God became human flesh was portrayed once again. It was really beautiful. However, in my state of mind, I couldn’t help think, “Jesus, I need more than a baby. I am counting on You to pull off all that I am hoping for. My entire trust is in You to deliver salvation, resurrection and a New Heaven and a New Earth.” A baby is fine. So is “Fairest Lord Jesus”. So is, “ The Good Shepherd” and “The Man of Sorrows”. But perhaps as never before in my life, I have placed all of my hope, all of my expectations on You to Deliver Your promises. I need the all powerful Creator and God of this Universe.

But when the adult choir ended the Christmas program with the Hallelujah Chorus I was overwhelmed with praise and worship and emotion. Standing with everyone else, I raised my hands in praise.

The baby REALLY IS THE Omnipotent One in the flesh. He really is the King of kings and the Lord of lords! The mystery of Christmas, the simple story of the babe in the manager never seemed so powerful as tonight.

Now stand up with me and worship:

Hallelujah Chorus Hymn
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

The kingdom of this world Is become the kingdom of our Lord,

And of His Christ, and of His Christ;

And He shall reign for ever and ever, For ever and ever, forever and ever,

King of kings, and Lord of lords,

King of kings, and Lord of lords,

And Lord of lords,

And He shall reign, And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings, forever and ever, And Lord of lords,

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings! and Lord of lords!

And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings! and Lord of lords!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah!

Jesus, The Shepherd of my soul.

This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step. He never did one thing wrong, Not once said anything amiss.They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls. (I Pet. 2:24-25, MSG)

When I am grieving out of control, when I am tempted to seek relief in the wrong ways, I can turn to the Shepherd of my soul. He will guide me back to peace, to contentment and righteousness. He will restore me and make me to lie down in green pastures once again.

I experienced this Saturday night as my friend Aaron praying long distance for me, brought calm, peace and contentment back to my soul.

Help me Lord to remember to turn to You as one of your sheep when I am traveling through the valley of the shadow of death.

Rx for Healing:

1. face the firsts

2. maintain healthy habits and

3. receive and give love.

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I was getting the frozen waffles out of the freezer this morning when I saw some chopped meat. It had been in there since Spring, i.e. Jackie bought it. I thought, maybe I should defrost this and make some hamburger patties and cook it outside on the grill. And then I lost it… Jackie loved it when I barbequed for us or for company. I guess I did a pretty good job too because she always complimented me. Now it seemed so pointless. Through my tears and crying I said out loud, “maybe I should throw away the grill. No, you never know, you might wish you had it some day. Well, I’ll just cook them on the George Forman grill.” In the end, I decided to leave out the hamburger to defrost. I guess if I make a hamburger for myself that will be one of those “firsts” accomplished that is so important to the healing process.

I think I’ve explained more than adequately how important it is to express grief emotions. Well, this morning you could have heard me screaming since I had the doors open. I can’t control these emotions but I can just keep doing the things that I know will help the healing process like 1. facing all the firsts and 2. maintaining healthy habits.

It also helps the healing process knowing that there are so many people praying for me and who also take the time to tell me that they love me. I hear this from family, friends, even co-workers. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

My life is slowly getting down to basics. Just these three things but the greatest gift of all is to be loved by God and others and to give love to God and others. refer to I Corinthians 13.

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Do you see these three things as important to your spiritual growth and relationship with the Lord? Are they present and growing in your life? Again, they are:

1. Facing the firsts - i.e. do the hard things that obedience requires

2. Keep on maintaining the healthy habits that brings consistency in to your life (whether these are devotions, prayer, bible study, service, home and work responsibilities, exercise and nutrition, etc...)

3. Love (i.e., show it and speak it) and receive love (from God first then from others).

The HOW and WHEN of grief emotions

It seems emotions of loss, grief and loneliness have a life and a mind of their own. One day, one minute I am feeling fine and the next moment I am completely distraught.

God has designed me to be an emotional being and during a period of grief, the strong emotions come and go at will. It is really hard to schedule them. Maybe later on in the healing process when they are not so intense, I will be better able to put them off temporarily. You know, wait until the evening or the weekend, etc…

This is kind of a pet peeve of mine but it bothers me when literature says that women are more this way then men. I guess it bothers me because many times the literature about women and emotions seems to describe me. Grief however is such a powerful emotion that I think it even overwhelms the most analytical of men. The following seems also true of most men as well as women during a period of intense grief:

Apparently, while we have some control over how we express grief emotions it seems we do not have much control over when we experience those emotions. Most of the grief literature encourages appropriate and gradual letting out of emotions when they occur. Capping the well of emotions, as many men and some women are apt to do, only serves to ensure there will be a huge explosion at a future point in time.

So, I need not be ashamed of being emotional - especially now. I am grieving and in pain.

“Lord help me to have your balance. I do not want to be all about my pain. I do not want to express grief inappropriately or respond to my pain inappropriately. And I do not want to be so consumed by it that I don’t think of others and their pain and their needs. You are just going to have to help me with this Lord because the emotions I have been experiencing are at times completely overpowering. AMEN"

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helpful guidance from Scripture

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).

"I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. . . . I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. . . . For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me" (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17).

"He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NASB).

It's (NOT) all about me.

At this time of my life I am focusing a lot on me: on my grief and loss and on my house, my car, my finances, etc... As a single now, it’s a new experience to be talking to myself all the time because there is no one else in the house to talk to. I talk to myself trying to decide things, figuring out my schedule, what to eat, when to clean. I have no discussion with anyone else on these things so I am inside my head a lot more than I use to be. Then too, I am blessed to be surrounded (i.e. outside the home) by caring people who ask me frequently how I am doing. And then I spend time, energy and thought writing a blog for anyone who chooses to go to it that publicly journals how I am doing. I am constantly monitoring my emotions, sharing them in writing and in the GriefShare group I attend.

And grief literature and counselors support this focus by advising that it is healthy to talk about your grief and the emotions you are experiencing. They say you will heal faster that way then if you remain quiet.

So then how and when do I move to an other-focus in my life? Other people – family and friends are also hurting and experiencing the grief of Jackie’s death AND there are lots of other losses, prayer needs in the lives of people all around me.

Not that I haven’t tried to be other-focus in the midst of my own grief. I ask some questions, I visit, I follow up some. I try to have an active prayer life. I print out requests from others. I am planning to be more actively involved in some form of ministry (other than my work) after the 1st of the year. I try to follow up with others about what is going on in their life.

But it does seem like a selfish, self-centered time of my life. To complicate matters, it seems that part of what God is doing in my life right now is to teach me, a life-long co-dependent personality, how not to be such a co-dependent person. A co-dependent person is only happy when someone else is happy or happy with them. A co-dependent person regards their own needs as not so important as long as the other person is happy. So, now I have to learn to swing the pendulum the other way and eventually find a mid-point. How do I find balance - i.e., in my learning to be aware of and take care of my needs that not suck the life out of everyone around me because I am so focused on myself?

God, please help me. Please give me a healthy balance between attention to the needs of my vessel, my emotions and personality and the important needs of others around me. For I really do know that ultimately it is NOT all about me, rather IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU.

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How do you keep a balance between being a servant of the Lord and yet not being a people pleaser?

How do you care for yourself without being self-centered?

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"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind…Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37, 39).

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it" (Ephesians 5:29).

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” (Exodus 20:3)

By God's grace, it's just a stage I am going through

We use to say about children when observing their behavior, “it’s just a stage he/she is going through”. This assumes that the child will simply automatically 'grow out' of the stage and the behaviors associated with the stage.

It’s hard at any age, but I think perhaps especially at 63, to transition from being a life-long married man to being a widower/single man. I am well aware that there are lots of singles out there (some who read my blog and my blubbering about being alone) who manage life on their own and feel good about them self and don’t need someone to tell them that they love them and vice a versa. Lots of singles come home to their apartment or house each evening or on the weekend and are content being alone. And if they need people, well they make social plans. I fully expect that I will get to that point some time too.

Right now, however, I am still feeling (1) the new sensation of loneliness of being single/widow (2) the radical surgery of death of an intimate relationship and all the grief emotions related to that loss (3) I don’t know how, yet, to live on my own and feel content. Also, (4) I admit, I have a codependent personality, i.e. I am most familiar with being needed: when I am loving and caring for someone and receiving in return.

God will help me to recover in all of these areas. It’s just that it hurts so much right now. By His grace...

I will learn to celebrate singleness, flexibility, availability for service.

I will learn to be alone without being lonely (all the time) and I will learn how to schedule my time, my social activities, new interests, projects, etc.

I will find the Lord to be even more precious and tangible in my life. I will love Him more.

I will heal from my loss of Jackie (though I will never forget)

I will become more assured of my worth and attentive to my needs and desires and I will be able to receive in my inner being and be content with the love expressed to me from a variety of individuals.

I will learn to redirect or spread out my love to others in ways appropriate to my relationships, status.

I hope I have not made you, my dear readers, uncomfortable as you have read my last couple of blogs. I really don’t plan to remarry and I am not expecting you or others in my life to love me the way Jackie did. I am just expressing my unfiltered emotions while at the same time looking to God Whom I know will help me with this transition, healing and growth.

No, I don't think I will automatically 'grow out' of this stage of my life as the child might just by getting older. Time doesn't automatically make everything better. In most of these areas change will come by God's grace and my willing participation with Him.

A friend that sticks closer than a brother

What do you need? What are you looking for? These were the questions put to me last evening as I shared my longings for love.

I know I want to give and receive unconditional love both in word and deed.

I don’t want to get married again and I know I cannot feel totally loved, understood and accepted all the time and certainly no one person, even in the best of relationships can supply the depth of what my soul desires. I know that.

Maybe recognizing the cry of my heart is the important thing. Maybe expressing it is healthy. But it is more than existential, more than spiritual/theological. There is a flesh and blood need that is not easily satisfied and cannot be forced or artificial. That’s why I said in my blog post yesterday:

"Right now it looks like rather than one person in my life in that special place, I will have to find those needs met through a composite of relationships from family, church, co-workers and friends – male and female.”
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But I do find some hope for Scripture that God might also provide one special friend as well as a composite of relationships.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). In Scripture, God often provided such a friend in the form of a servant, a colleague, a mentor, or a protege.

Some Biblical examples:

1. Jeremiah and Baruch (Jer. 36:5-8).
2. Moses and Joshua. (Num. 11:28), (Ex. 24:13), stayed with him at God's tent (Ex. 33:11), (Ex. 17:8-13), (Num. 27:18-20).
3. Elijah and Elisha (1 Kings 19:4, 16).
4. Paul and Barnabas (Acts 9:26, 27). (Acts 11:19-30), then (Acts 13-14)
5 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Dan. 1:8, 3:17, 18).

And these women as examples...

6 Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16
7 Deborah and Barak (Judges 4:8, 9).

Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian magazine (formerly Christian Reader). September/October 2000, Vol. 38, No. 5, Page 51

I long, I hunger to GIVE and RECEIVE love, touch

"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:8-9 RSV)

It is true, I am a passionate person and I like physical touch and I like to express concern and love for another. The question for me is am I in a vulnerable place and is there an uncontrollable flame of passion that could lead to sin?

This is not easy. But not because of sexual passion but because: (1) I loved being married to Jackie. (2) I loved her (3) I loved loving her AND (4) I miss not having one SPECIAL object of my affection as well as one SPECIAL person who was vitally interested in everything I did or said.

I continue to be convinced that it is right for me not to marry another time. But that does not mean I don't need and want special people in my life to love and to be loved by. It doesn’t mean that I can do without touch - a hug, a touch on the arm. It doesn’t mean that I like being alone ALL THE TIME.

So many times, I think I would like to tell Jackie something, or I would just like to stroke the back of her neck once again and tell her I love her. There are times when it would be nice to call somebody, and I do on occasion, just to tell them about something that happened today.

The Lord has become more precious, certainly. But He is not flesh and blood and He doesn’t respond with a nod or a word or a touch.

I could try to just be like John Wayne - you know, tough, macho. After all, I am a man, independent and single now so just forget about giving and receiving love and non-sexual affectionate touch. Taking this position may hurt less for awhile if I just make myself believe I don't have that longing. But then I break down, as I have this afternoon and find I can't continue to fool myself like this. The truth is, I long, I hunger to give and receive love, touch and no one can really fix or satisfy this longing that I have. That's just my nature AS WELL AS my current situation. Maybe its also part of my being human.

So, I have been asking the Lord to show me: 1. His love for me in a deeper way and 2. special people in my life that can help meet at least SOME of those needs that I have both to give and receive love and touch.

And that is the way it will continue to be, i.e., rather than having one person in my life in that special place, I will meet these needs through a composite of appropriate relationships with family, fellow believers at the church, co-workers and friends – male and female.

BUT as I said earlier, this is not easy. This is hard - very hard and at times very lonely.

Sleeping well

Praise the Lord; I am sleeping well again, without the use of sleeping pills of any kind! It is such a blessing to be able to sleep and I acknowledge it is a gift from the Lord.

For my part, I don't think I have done anything significantly different. Perhaps crying less and being more physically active has helped. Between work and exercise I am probably more tired at night then I had been earlier in my grief experience. Sleep is a wonderful thing when it is not overdone. Thank you, Lord.

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. Psalm 3:4-5