I really enjoy these bible studies in my home on Heaven. It is such a joy to share the Word and to have God’s people in the house. Our discussion was lively and stimulating. But I didn’t sleep well, Thursday night after the Bible Study. Whether it was related to the bible Study or some other factor I do not know. I simply could not shut down. It was 5 am before I got any sleep that night. I cancelled my Personal Training appointment Friday morning and basically ran on deficit all day Friday.
At work, we had another fairly active and physical day yet when I left work Friday evening the same old sadness hit me that comes upon me nearly every weekend evening if I don’t have something specific to do with others. And so I was still tired and a bit depressed. I slept a little Friday evening. Saturday morning I got up and drove to downtown Dallas with the ministry’s vehicle loaded with display items we were going to set up for an event June would be speaking at. It was a beautiful day and I was busy with set up and then tear down about 2:30pm. Apparently the event was a success and I had several nice interactions and a few hugs to boot. Leaving the meeting place Saturday afternoon however, the sadness cloud again began to sweep over me - that feeling that I am alone. There is no one to go back to. I struggled to get motivated. I struggled to find “a way of escape” from the loneliness. Now it is Sunday morning. I did not go to SS or church. I don’t feel like seeing anybody and yet I need people.
I am not a Biblical hero by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I can understand a bit better now how Elijah felt after the tremendous experience on Mt.Carmel where he defeated the prophets of Baal as God acted through him. Following the “mountain top” experience of being God’s instrument, God’s prophet, Elijah was once again confronted with his humanity, his human condition if you will. I look to God to minister to my heart as he gently did to Elijah in I Kings 19:1-18.
And there he came to a cave, and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
I know that God will gently seek me out and nudge me back in to ministry and confidence in Him. He has done it many times already.
I am not a Biblical hero by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I can understand a bit better now how Elijah felt after the tremendous experience on Mt.Carmel where he defeated the prophets of Baal as God acted through him. Following the “mountain top” experience of being God’s instrument, God’s prophet, Elijah was once again confronted with his humanity, his human condition if you will. I look to God to minister to my heart as he gently did to Elijah in I Kings 19:1-18.
And there he came to a cave, and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
I know that God will gently seek me out and nudge me back in to ministry and confidence in Him. He has done it many times already.
1 comment:
You are right, I don't understand this prolonged grief. I understand the loss and empty feeling but not this attachment to the past. I have never lost a spouse, but I did lose a parent that I lived with the last 3 years of her life. She was not only my mother but my best friend, comforter, cheerleader and support. The first year after her death I was going through what you describe in this blog - but it got better. I made changes to help make it better, it didn't just happen.
A friend at church also lost a parent several years ago. She told me last night she will not be at Bible study this week because it's her father's birthday. I'm thinking ... it's not like you can have cake with him !?!?! I tried to express that it was all the more important for her to be with friends and near the Lord. She is still so consumed by the grief she can't let it go.
I'd like to better understand why it runs so deep in you and this friend. I don't know how to minister to her need. I love her -it's about all I know to do.
Keep writing and I'll drop by periodically to read.
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