Finding a new identity or at least, redefining my Identity.

this is a long post, folks!

One time, in a public meeting I actually introduced myself as, “Fred and Jackie Miska”. That’s really becoming one flesh! Our hopes and dreams were together. I knew what she was thinking many times just by looking at her. I was very pleased to be Jackie’s husband.

When she died my identity and my role changed. Finding a new self is very confusing. It was thrust upon me and I really did not want to accept it. I wanted to remain Jackie’s husband, friend and lover. I could not imagine life without her. I lost not only a person but the very definition of who I was.

Grief literature makes it clear that finding a new identity for the surviving spouse is one of the most difficult issues they face. It takes a long time to work through these thoughts and feelings and it cannot be rushed.

I am beginning to get a glimpse not of a completely new identity but rather a redefined identity. On a rare occasions now, I even feel a bit of excitement about the opportunity to change and grow and redefine myself. But I cannot rush this process.

I am still the same basic person and some things remain the same; for example:

1. I continue to have the same values and commitments to the Lord that Jackie and I held together, to personal ministry and to family. I am still a committed, Biblical person.

2. While there have been and will be relationship changes, I continue to have some of the same friends. I am still a gentle, approachable friend.

3. Thank God I have the same job and live in the same house. I am still a mature, reliable and consistent person.

4. I am still a son of God and have an identity in Christ I have yet to fully grow in to or explore to the fullest.

5. I continue to enjoy writing for my healing and as a ministry to the Lord. I am still a writer

Some things appear to be changing; for example, in no particular order:

1. I get to travel a bit more but I have to do it alone. I am a traveler.

2. I desire to step up and take more responsibility to contact, see and reach out to Jackie’s family then I did as Jackie’s husband, where I stayed more in the shadows of family relationships. I am a grandpa and one who loves and encourages family.

3. I am more cognizant and more connected to my family of origin. I am a brother and a son.

4. I seem to have, at least for now, a unique contribution to the local body of Christ in regard to the subject of Heaven. Maybe eventually in the area of grief recovery as well. I have a message.

5. I accept my status as an older man, as a widower, who does not plan to remarry. I am in the stage of my life where that is okay. I believe I am a wiser, more sober, hopefully more compassionate older man. Hopefully, I am also a “Sage” (per John Eldredge stages of a man’s life).

6. I have a greater sense of urgency to accomplish God’s purposes through my life while I am still here on earth.

7. It’s more important to me to have male friends. I am a brother in the Lord.

8. I recognize I naturally stay up later at night and get up later in the morning. I am a night owl.

9. I have no one to talk to when I come home and no one to go to the doctor’s office with me, etc... I am truly on my own and need to just ‘buck up’ and do it.

10. I have to plan, buy and cook my own meals and take care of the entire household – inside and out by myself. I am a household manager.

11. I have to seek advice from others about decisions that Jackie and I made together. I need input and feedback from others.

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My Identity in Christ.
I'm a child of God - He is my Father - 1 Jn 3:1,2
I am a saint - Eph 1:1; 1 Cor 1:2; Phil 1:1
I am Christ's friend - Jn 15:15
I am a fellow citizen in God's kingdom - Eph 2:19
I am born of God - 1 Jn 4:7
I have been brought near to Christ - Eph 2:13
I have been adopted by God - Rom 8:15
I'm to be righteous and holy like God - Eph 4:24
I have direct access to God - Eph 2:18

MY INHERITANCE
I am a citizen of heaven - Phil 3:20
I am an heir of God - Rom 8:17
I've been rescued from Satan's domain - Col 1:13
I am a joint heir with Christ - Rom 8:17; Gal 4:7
I am hidden with Christ in God - Col 3:3
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing - Eph 1:3
I am chosen of God - holy, beloved - Col 3:12
I am a child of promise - Rom 9:8; Gal 3:14
I am a child of light, not darkness - 1 Thessa 5:5
I've been given great promises - 2 Pet 1:4
I am a partaker of Christ - Heb 3:14
I'm one of God's living stones - 1 Pet 2:5

MY TRANSFORMATION
I'm a member of a royal priesthood - 1 Pet 2:9
I'm redeemed and forgiven - Eph 1:6-8
I'm to be a stranger to this world - 1 Pet 2:11
I've been justified - made righteous - Rom 5:1
I'm an enemy of the devil - 1 Pet 5:8
I have eternal life - Jn 5:24
I died w/Christ to the power of sin - Rom 6:1-6

MY CALLING
I am free from condemnation - Rom 8:1
I am to be salt on the earth - Mt 5:13
I have received the Spirit of God -1 Cor 2:12
I am to be light in the world - Mt 5:14
I have been given the mind of Christ - 1 Cor 2:16
I'm chosen and appointed to bear fruit - Jn 15:16
I have been crucified with Christ - Gal 2:20
I am called to do the works of Christ - Jn 14:12
I am a new creation - 2 Cor 5:17
I am to do what Christ commanded His disciples - Mt 28:20
I have been made alive with Christ - Eph 2:5
I have been given spiritual authority - Lk 10:19
I am God's workmanship - Eph 2:10
Signs should accompany my work - Mk 16:17-20
I have received fullness in Christ - Col 2:10
I am a minister of a new covenant - 2 Cor 3:6
I am a minister of reconciliation - 2 Cor 5:18,19

MY POSITION
I am to be an expression of life in Christ - Col 3:4
I am connected to the true vine - Jn 15:1,5
I am a partaker of a heavenly calling - Heb 3:1
I'm a willing slave of righteousness - Rom 6:18,22
I am a temple of God - 1 Cor 3:16; 6:19
I am one spirit with the Lord - 1 Cor 6:17
I am a member of Christ's body - 1 Cor 12:27

Your Divine Valentine

This is taken directly from DaySpring.com. I think I may buy the framed plaque.

A Valentine may play a love song for you, but God sings you the sweetest love song in the universe.
The Lord your God...will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. ZEPHANIAH 3:17

A Valentine may give you flowers, but God sent you the most beautiful rose of all, Jesus.
I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys. SONG OF SOLOMON 2:1

A Valentine may take you out to dinner, but God has invited you to the most amazing feast ever given.
Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb! REVELATION 19:9

A Valentine may bring you chocolate, but God provides you with something even sweeter, His Word.
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! PSALM 119:103

A Valentine may love you for a lifetime, but God loved you before you were born and will love you for all eternity!
Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love. JEREMIAH 31:3

-Holley Gerth

the heart of the house...is gone

I come home from work at 8 or 9 pm and the house is dark, cold and empty and I immediately feel discouraged even though I knew it would be that way. I really didn’t have any other expectation. I am that much of realist. I am sane. Nevertheless, I sometimes say aloud, “I'm home, honey.” Now, isn’t that sweet?", you say. "He is still greeting his beloved even though she is gone". But it’s not sweet. It’s bitter. It is uttered out of sarcasm. It means, ‘yeah, right, like I really expected her to be here!’ It’s the same cheerless arrival. I never feel like, 'oh, its so good to be home, to my refuge; my place to kick back; my place of love and warmth and where I am really important to someone’.

The sarcasm and then saddness fades away sooner now then it use to and shortly I go about my business in the house. I suppose eventually I will feel more and more like a single that enjoys his “pad”. Right now, the house still feels very empty. The heart of the house - the one that really loved me and loved this house is gone. Jackie loved her home. She filled it with love and music and lights and activities.

She has a new home now and she no doubt loves it. I am truly happy for her.

Maybe its okay that I don’t love my home and that I am not too comfortable here. After all, this address is not my real home. My citizenship is in heaven and I have my real home there. After all, Jesus did say that He was going to prepare a place for me so that where He is, I may be also.

By God’s grace I will become a bit more relaxed in this earthly house until finally the Lord calls me to my real home in my homeland (heaven) and I can say to her (without sarcasm), “I am home, honey”.
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In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. John 14:2

Chicken Soup for the Soul

"Chicken Soup for the soul." I just came up with that title all by myself. It seems really appropriate. I was home sick today. I don’t know what would be worse - being sick or being home alone on a weekday when everybody else has gone to work and its cold and dreary inside. The house is cold too and I am all alone. Did I mention that I was all alone and not feeling well?

I put out an email this morning asking people to pray for me because I knew my thinking and my emotions could go downhill on a long day by myself. I did mention that I was alone didn’t I?.

This afternoon, my friends called and said they were bringing some homemade chicken soup over this evening about 6:00 pm. And they did, along with some homemade bread and a fresh fruit salad. They also brought some fellowship and some fun conversation. It really improved my outlook greatly. It was chicken soup for my soul as well as tummy.

a long, cold, lonely weekend...

Nothing much profound to say tonight. It’s just been a long, cold, lonely weekend.

I never have liked the cold weather. I don’t know what I would do if I lived where it was REALLY cold! I know – I am so superficial. I definitely have a beach bum, or more accurately a pool bum mentality. I could swim everyday. I would wear shorts 365. When not in the pool, I would be hanging around the pool. One of my favorite things to do in life is to have morning devotions with coffee, journal and Bible in hand by the pool. Doing that after having had a brisk morning walk and a quick dip. To me, that would be the essence of retirement!

I’ve always been like a bear in the winter. I am miserable, can’t get warm, and I hate being closed up in the house. I was made to be outdoors. My heart sings when I am outdoors – but my heart and my body have to be warm first! Some winter weekend days, Jackie would tell me, “go to the club and workout, you’ll feel better”. So that is what I did last evening. I did feel better.

But now the house seems even colder and it’s empty! It’s been a long cold weekend, interspersed with some wonderful out of the house times of fellowship.

I hope it gets warm again soon or I figure out what to do with myself in this cold weather. I can’t go workout everyday, can I? Well, maybe I can.

I cannot find Jackie, but I can find the Lord!

I had a prolonged meltdown last night. Not like the short mini-waves that come and go rather quickly now, every few days or so. But this went on all evening. I don’t know what prompted it. Perhaps, it was the fact that I was working late and alone in my department. I just was overwhelmed with how much I miss my friend; my best friend. I felt so alone in the world despite all the wonderful people that God has given me. Still my best friend was missing. Our wedding bulletin said, This day I will marry my friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, Love. It was that way for Jackie and I.

I prayed, I tried everything to stop crying and stop repeating how much I missed my friend but the tears kept coming and I was a mess. I called my friend and brother, Aaron, in Pennsylvania. I don’t know anyone closer to the Lord than Him. He is only a few years older than me but He has been both a mentor and accountability partner for 20 years. When he prays, when he shares from the Word I am touched and changed.

Aaron read to me from Psalm 27 which speaks of seeking the Lord’s face. Then in prayer he said, “Lord, Fred can’t find Jackie”. That’s when I realized I can’t find her, she is missing. I know where she is and I will go to her someday but she will not return to me (see II Samuel 12:23). But I can seek the Lord. In fact, He invites me to do so and promises to be found.(see Jeremiah 29: 13,14).

There are many people, things, perhaps even health and opportunities we have lost that may not return to us and we cannot find. But our great and awesome God has promised to make Himself accessible through Jesus. Not just once at our salvation but if we will seek His face, His presence. When I find the Lord, I find what my soul and spirit needs. And, actually I am closer to Jackie when I am closer to the Lord (because like me, she is 'in the Lord')!
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He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' "But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (II Samuel 12:22,23).

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 'I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.' (Jeremiah 29:13,14)

One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." (Psalm 27:4-8)

Heaven Bible Study

I sent out this announcement today. It seems to me that at my age, having just lost Jackie, that God is wanting the theme of Heaven to be a major part of the message of my life to the body of Christ. Of course, you would have to live in my area to attend! But you can pray for me and you can pray for the participants. And - you can study about heaven yourself.

I will obey until He directs me elsewhere.

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Announcing a 6 week Bible Study facilitated by Fred Miska on…

HEAVEN

Study is based on the book, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn and on the Bible

Here’s a quick survey: How do you feel about Heaven? (Check all that apply.)
q I’m so excited about Heaven I can hardly stand it.
q I just don’t think about Heaven at all.
q I fear Heaven.
q I’m dreading Heaven.
q Could we talk about something else, please?

Excerpt from Introduction to Heaven by Randy Alcorn:

The early Christians were preoccupied with Heaven but today many people find no joy at all when they think about Heaven. “A pastor once confessed to me, ‘whenever I think about Heaven, it makes me depressed. I’d rather just cease to exist when I die. I can’t stand the thought of that endless tedium. To float around in the clouds with nothing to do but strum a harp… it’s all so terribly boring. Heaven doesn’t sound much better than hell. I’d rather be annihilated than spend eternity in a place like that.”’

‘In this study we’ll see from Scripture an exciting yet strangely neglected truth – that God never gave up on His original plan for humans to dwell on earth. In fact, the climax of history will be the creation of a New Heaven and a New Earth, a resurrected universe inhabited by resurrected people living with the resurrected Jesus.’ (Rev. 21:1-4)


And, in my own words:

If you can see Heaven, the shore on the other side, it will revolutionize your life, your ability to persevere during trials and your walk with the Lord will be strengthened and more joyous. It will also greatly comfort you, as it has me, if you have a loved one who died in the Lord. I believe this study will also energize you to share the gospel.

I believe this study is for everyone. If God wills, I will periodically offer this study. I invite you to be part of the first group. – Fred Miska

The cost of being a comforter

I think I am more acutely aware of and touched by pain, suffering and loss around me since Jackie’s hospitalization and then passing in August. I suppose that is a good thing; it certainly isn’t a comfortable feeling though. Before, when I would pray for others, the earnestness and focus just wasn’t there the way it is now. Now, my heart is broken when I hear of illnesses and deaths. I groan for the people involved and call out to the Lord. It is also easier to talk to them and truly be compassionate concerning what they are going through.

The cost of being a comforter, an earnest prayer supporter and ultimately, a minister, is very high. For, if, as the Word says, "we comfort with the comfort we have received," then necessarily we have gone through painful times when we ourselves needed comfort from the Lord.

The older we become the more painful experiences we have collected. If we have truly allowed the Lord to teach us and change us through these painful experiences then instead of being bitter or stagnated old people, we should have become more compassionate, more able to comfort and minister!
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NOTE: The Greek word for “compassion” in the New Testament has a root meaning of “guts, viscera, or the bowels”; in other words, the place of deep seated emotional response. See also, John 11:1-46, especially verses 35, 36, and 38. Jesus wept; Jesus was deeply moved at the death of his friend Lazarus

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Cor. 1:3

On being H.O.T.

I don't believe any living soul has heard me when I have really cried and screamed over my pain and grief. Fortunately, these times are becoming fewer, further between and of shorter duration. Sometimes I actually go a whole week without any kind of emotional outburst.

Grieving customs among the Crow Indians of Montana where I served, in ancient Israel and in much of the non-western world seem to allow for a greater outward expression of grief compared to our society. Loud wailing and tearing of clothes, fasting, head coverings are outward expressions we see by both men and women in some of these cultures. Not only does the person most closely connected to the loss mourn and weep out loud but so do friends, and family. In our culture, we may share in expressions of mourning by offering a hug or a Kleenex. Of course many provide other tangible acknowledgements of grief such as providing meals, attending services and sending cards. I have also been blessed by ongoing follow up through phone calls and conversations. But generally, grieving is a private matter in our culture. And even in private, I read, that many westerners, especially men in our culture apparently stifle emotional expressions.

I am always very conscious of my emotions and walk away from people if I sense that I am about to be overcome with emotion. Why have i done this? Why can I/we not express our emotions of grief more freely? Is it embarrassment? Is it a sign of weakness in our culture? Maybe when a friend or family member loses someone to death, we should gather around and cry aloud with him or her. Perhaps it would be very cathartic and thus very healing. The bible does admonish us after all to not only rejoice with those who rejoice but to also weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15).

I am pleased on the one hand, when people say to me, “Fred, you seem to be doing so well”, yet on the other hand, I think to myself, “but if you only knew and could have seen and heard me an hour ago!” . Oh, I try to be honest in my short sentence responses and not just give a glib response to the oft asked question, “So, how are you doing?”. I’ll say something like, "I’ve been really struggling lately, or the holidays have been difficult, thanks for asking". This blog has probably been my most effective way of letting out grief emotions in addition to my private moments.

What I found, as I started out in this grief and recovery journey is that somewhere deep down, ingrained in my personality and in my cultural awareness, I didn't want to inconvenience anyone nor draw attention to myself with my pain. I wanted them to think well of me, of my strength of my faith. I had this fear that somewhere there existed a grief 'schedule'. I sensed that as I began grieving that a clock started ticking and that I had to be at certain points in my healing by a certain time. I was afraid I wouldn’t meet the appointed dates and people would become impatient with me. That grace and patience would run out and be replaced with demands and expectations and impatience. No one in my life or circle of friends has made me feel that way, but that seemed to be my natural self talk. I think the broader culture influenced me to think that way.

Well, as I said, that was in the early stages of my grief. I am further along in this grief and healing journey now obviously then I was a couple of months ago. So these issues are not quite as large for me as they were. The Grief Share support group I attend has helped me realize:

1. everyone grieves uniquely and
2. everyone grieves at their own pace.

So I am very liberated in my grieving now. It will take me as long as it takes me and that is just fine. I will do the things that promote good grieving and healing but I will not feel any pressure to perform or appear strong. If I don't cry out loud with others around, I will at least continue writing my blog and not be embarassed when i write about the pain and loss.

There are wider applications to this grief experience. For example, in Sunday School we have been studying about living in the "room of grace" as opposed to the room of performance. I believe a central component to that lifestyle is being Honest, Open and Transparent (H.O.T.) with our Christian brothers and sisters as well as with the Lord.

QUESTION: Do you feel safe enough with the people in your life to be H.O.T. with them? Are you willing to be H.O.T. or do you feel the need to put on a mask so you won’t be embarrassed or appear weak? When people ask you, "how are you doing?" do you always answer, “Fine”? We all need to be free to be real with our struggles and our pain AS WELL AS comfortable ourselves when others express emotions of pain, grief and discouragement.

It is important to both be able and willing to share and to hear these emotions. Not because we are a therapy group and not because we want to be stuck in that place but because the shortest path to healing usually is to express the pain, the hurt, even confess the sin and then allow others to comfort us, encourage us and also to allow the Lord to heal us and move on. Expose a wound and you will be able to clean it out and heal it. Ignore a wound and it will only fester and become very ugly and infected.
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I was mute and silent, I refrained even from good, And my sorrow grew worse. Psalm 39:2

After King Saul, his son, and Israel's army were defeated, "David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword" (2 Samuel 1:11-12).

Two Steps Forward, One Step Backward...

I warned you there would be blog postings like this!

This weekend, the first one of 2008 has been a mixed bag of emotion for me. I am full of plans and goals for the New Year. I am beginning to see some clarity and direction and some options for my life. Sometimes I feel really good and really at peace. And then, suddenly, like this morning in Sunday School a wave of emotion hit me so hard. I sat there in a wonderful class and I just knew Jackie would really love all of this, the closeness, the fellowship, the plans for the year. Then I put my hand on the seat next to me and she wasn’t there. Of course she wasn't there, nevertheless it hit me hard and I felt so alone in the midst of a warm class of brothers and sisters in the Lord many who have done so much for me. The emotion has carried on this afternoon and I find myself of two minds: Ready to go forward, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, ready for this tragedy to be over. I believe but I can’t believe Jackie is gone.

I have a nice house, wonderful family and friends, some investments for the future, a good job, two cars and yet I feel so impoverished. I have suffered such a terrible loss. The most valuable treasure I had, other than the Lord Himself is gone. Wiped off the face of this earth.

I miss you so much, Jackie. I am crying for me. Though I know you are missing out on some wonderful things in the family, in the church etc… you are really happy there. I just can’t see your happiness. I can’t experience it firsthand.

I've got to get back to studying and meditating on Heaven. That's the only thing that helps make any sense of this or bring any consolation. That's the only thing that helps me move forward.

How do you keep the reality and the hope of heaven alive and real in your walk with the Lord rather than just a doctrinal position?

NOTE: do concordance study on Hope in the N.T.
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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:1,2

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, I Pet. 1:3,4

Finding contentment in the midst of loneliness

I have heard it said, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many people can be in a crowded room and still be lonely. Implied in that statement I believe is the message that loneliness is a state of mind and heart and that you have more control over loneliness than you have over being alone.

Right now, my loneliness is still part of my grief and I believe it is my assignment from the Lord for a period of time. I think it is healthy to acknowledge and face the loneliness in order to help me move through the grief. Loneliness is a terrible feeling but I won’t die from being lonely.

Being alone and also feeling lonely may also be your assignment right now. God some times allows us to feel these things to cause us to grow in our relationship with Him and with others. Your response and mine is to recognize that God has thrust us or at least alowed us to be in our current situation. But we also need to recognize that He is also the One who said, “…I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Heb. 135b) and Who also said, "there is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother." (Prov. 18:24b)”

Lord, I know you want to teach me through my loneliness. Lord help me to find my contentment in You and look to You for strength, encouragement and creative, wholesome ideas and activities.
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here are a few verses that I find instructive in periods of loneliness. What verses have helped you get through?

There has no temptation come your way that is not common to all mankind, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength, but will, when you are tempted, also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it." I Cor. 10:13

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to be, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom. 8:38,39

"But we have this treasure, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. Troubled on every side, yet not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus might also be made manifest in our body. For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus might also be made manifest in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus." I Thessa. 4:13, 14

compared to Hell...

I am feeling my loneliness acutely right now as I change the calendars in the house, as I put away 2007 business items, as I insert and begin filling out a new Day Timer and generally prepare for the New Year. I realize acutely that Jackie will not be with me as I walk into 2008 and that reality is hitting me hard right now. I feel alone, isolated, and left behind. I know it is temporary and the feeling will come and go as I move on through the days and weeks ahead but right now I feel it strongly.

But Jackie is enjoying her inheritance in the presence of the Lord and the Blessed Hope dominates my life both now and for eternity. I can endure and God will comfort.

For some reason, in my pain, and loneliness today I began to meditate on hell. Hell is a place of conscious awareness, memory, suffering and hopelessness. There is no way out. At times, especially in the early stages, grief feels like this. Even now, I have short episodes of this kind of overwhelming feeling of pain and hopelessness. But in Hell, the pain, the suffering, the mental, emotional torment is unending. For a short time, in this life we may think we are in this kind of circumstance but it does not compare with existence in hell. Compared to hell, I can endure my episodes of loneliness and grief.

I rejoice Jackie is in heaven and that is my destination too and that even in this life, I have the Blessed Hope of that great DAY and meanwhile God’s Spirit is comforting me. But,

Lord, there are people heading for a Christless eternity in hell. And it is real, it is torment and it is unending. Help me to show the way to those suffering, to those grieving and especially to those who are lost without Christ that though their weeping may last for a night joy can come in the morning. ...

Weeping may endure for a night,
but Joy Comes in The Morning.
Psalm 30:5
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"And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame " (Luke 16:24).

"Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power;" (II Thessalonians 1:9).

"The sorrows of hell compassed me about; the snares of death prevented me;" (2 Samuel 22:6).

"And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom" (Luke 16:23).

"Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 22:13).

And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 25:30).

"But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).

"Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched" (Mark 9:44).

"And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day nor night, who worship the beast and his image, and whosoever receiveth the mark of his name" (Revelation 14:11).

"And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death" (Revelation 20:14).

...perseverance must finish its work

In order for you and I to experience healing, completeness and maturity, perseverance must finish its work (James 1:4). While God may answer our prayers for immediate relief, He most often brings about growth and change in our lives by giving us the grace to endure, to persevere.

In grieving, for example, God doesn’t take away the pain. He is there with me in the pain and perhaps it is of shorter duration because of His presence and His truth but still it hurts. If I get too busy, medicate myself in some way or deny the pain it only prolongs the healing. But if I face my pain and grief, in short, if I persevere, I eventually heal and become functional, changed and fruitful in a new and perhaps greater way.

Likewise, if you want change in your life this new year, if you want to heal, you will have to lean into it. Persevere with God’s grace and allow it to finish its work! Jesus set His face toward Jerusalem and by God’s grace He persevered and purchased our salvation. A cloud of witnesses is cheering you and I on!
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“Consider it pure joy when you have trials of many kinds, for it is the testing of your faith that brings perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Then Jesus made it clear to his disciples that it was now necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, submit to an ordeal of suffering at the hands of the religious leaders, be killed, and then on the third day be raised up alive. Peter took him in hand, protesting, "Impossible, Master! That can never be!" (Matt. 16:21 MSG)

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; (Hebrews 12:1-4 NASV)

Comfort my people, says your God

I want to talk about slowly changing the focus of the blog. While grief will be my companion for some time to come and I will continue to include grief thoughts and moments as they naturally occur, I also want to include in the blog, as I had done in my writings of the past, a wider variety of devotional thoughts though still from my heart and hopefully based on the Word of God.

So, as we turn the New Year, I would like to broaden the focus to other aspects of my and your walk with the Lord. I want to allow the Lord not only to continue to comfort me but share that comfort with you, my dear friends and readers.

I will continue to write in the first person much of the time. Though I am aware of my reader and want to be able to give you something you can apply to your life, I find the only style I am really totally comfortable with is the first person. I hope that you can make the application to your life where there is one to be had.
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Comfort my people, says your God. (Isaiah 40:1, NIV)

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. (2 Cor. 1:3 MSG)


The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken,Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners.God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn,To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.They'll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage.They'll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new.You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields,But you'll have the title "Priests of God," honored as ministers of our God.You'll feast on the bounty of nations, you'll bask in their glory.Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt,Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:1-7 MSG)