What are you doing here, Elijah?

I really enjoy these bible studies in my home on Heaven. It is such a joy to share the Word and to have God’s people in the house. Our discussion was lively and stimulating. But I didn’t sleep well, Thursday night after the Bible Study. Whether it was related to the bible Study or some other factor I do not know. I simply could not shut down. It was 5 am before I got any sleep that night. I cancelled my Personal Training appointment Friday morning and basically ran on deficit all day Friday.

At work, we had another fairly active and physical day yet when I left work Friday evening the same old sadness hit me that comes upon me nearly every weekend evening if I don’t have something specific to do with others. And so I was still tired and a bit depressed. I slept a little Friday evening. Saturday morning I got up and drove to downtown Dallas with the ministry’s vehicle loaded with display items we were going to set up for an event June would be speaking at. It was a beautiful day and I was busy with set up and then tear down about 2:30pm. Apparently the event was a success and I had several nice interactions and a few hugs to boot. Leaving the meeting place Saturday afternoon however, the sadness cloud again began to sweep over me - that feeling that I am alone. There is no one to go back to. I struggled to get motivated. I struggled to find “a way of escape” from the loneliness. Now it is Sunday morning. I did not go to SS or church. I don’t feel like seeing anybody and yet I need people.

I am not a Biblical hero by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I can understand a bit better now how Elijah felt after the tremendous experience on Mt.Carmel where he defeated the prophets of Baal as God acted through him. Following the “mountain top” experience of being God’s instrument, God’s prophet, Elijah was once again confronted with his humanity, his human condition if you will. I look to God to minister to my heart as he gently did to Elijah in I Kings 19:1-18.

And there he came to a cave, and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

I know that God will gently seek me out and nudge me back in to ministry and confidence in Him. He has done it many times already.

Loneliness and Temptation

No matter what I do in any given day or hour, what kind of fellow-ship, interaction, positive feedback, good exercise, no matter what, it never changes in the end. I am alone. I am alone and I am lonely. Always alone, less lonely than I use to be but still there are times like this afternoon when I hit the bottom of the pit of loneliness. She is gone, gone, gone. And will never come back. I can only go to her someday. King David in II Samuel 12:23 after much grieving, praying and fasting, when his baby son had died said, “can I bring him back again? I shall go to him (when I die), but he shall not return to me.”

Only a person who has lost a spouse understands this particular pain. And even then, having someone understand it doesn’t alleviate it. In the heat of the moment and the peak of my loneliness, it has such a grip on me there seems no way out - indeed there is no way out. It is a steel trap and I am locked in it by myself!

I find not so much comfort and companionship from the Lord when I feel lonely as much as answers, direction and new focus to my attention. when I am feeling lonely and ask Him, he shows me “a way of escape that I may be able to bear it.” (I Cor. 10:13). Much like what He does when I turn to Him when I am tempted.