Dear friends,
How can good news cause so much trouble? A storm of conflicting thoughts and doubts raged through my mind the past few weeks. Before the news of a possible cure, I straddled two parallel paths each day. I trudged along a path of sorrow about leaving my family behind, but I also raced along a path of joy. I tasted the sweet fruits of glory. I experienced God’s power in my preaching, chapel speaking, writing and daily events. My mind focused on the realities of heaven.
Now my direction has reversed. I want to live, don’t get me wrong. Daily I beg God for the joys of raising my children; I desire my “full measure” of years with my wife, but the beauty of heaven is receding. I feel the Spirit’s power draining away from me like water being wrung from a sponge. In recent years, I’ve soared atop the peaks of God’s insights and passed beneath the black shadow of death. Now, life seems filled with drudgery and details. I am tethered once again to this gray, troubled planet.
Again, I retreat into the psalms of David. They ground me in reality. This man, Israel’s ancient king, speaks to me from across three thousand years of human history. He suffered great distress as do I (Psalm 55:2). One moment, he courageously faced death by the power of God (Psalm 55:18); the next moment he crumpled into a beggar pleading for mercy (Psalm 55:4-5). It is the same with me. God allowed suffering in David’s life so he could speak to generations of the faithful stuck in the mire of doubts on this dull world. He speaks to me now.
So I will begin as David always began. I poured out my heart to God and committed myself to trusting Him always (Psalm 62:8). As I poured out my turmoil, the fog of doubts and disappointments cleared, and I saw the miraculous deeds he has done in my life (Psalm 52:9). Jehovah has been with me since birth (Psalm 71:6), and at least six times (by my count), He has rescued me from death (Psalm 56:13). As David was surrounded by fierce lions (Psalm 57:4), cancer, the great predator of our time, greedily devoured me, but I called upon the Lord, and He delivered me (Psalm 55:16). As I spoke with my God, He reminded me, yet again, that my life is about Him not me. I must exalt Him; His glory must shine upon the earth (Psalm 57:11). My life is His instrument.
God allowed me to suffer hardship, but he restored my life and lifted me from the depths (Psalm 71:20). My life is an example to many because God is my strength and protection (Psalm 71:7). God tested me like silver melted in a crucible to purge from my life the useless slag of sin and selfishness (Psalm 66:10). I handed Him my burdens, and He cared for me (Psalm 55:22). I have invited others to view the awesome miracles He has done on my behalf (Psalm 66:5). Faithfully and with awe-inspiring deeds, he has answered my prayers for healing, for my family, my church, my school, and my friends (Psalm 65:5).
My prayers led to repentance. I confessed my sins of doubt and complaining, and God heard me. He did not remove His unfailing love from me (Psalm 66:17-19). I gave God what He desires, honesty from deep within my soul (Psalm 51:6). He gave me what He promises- a clean heart, a renewed spirit, and the presence of His Holy Spirit (Psalm 51: 10-11). I gave Him a broken spirit and repentant heart (Psalm 51:17); He gave me the joy of my salvation (Psalm 51:12).
So I begin again. I cry out to Him morning, noon and night (Psalm 55:17). I acknowledge that my life is in His hands, and He prevents me from stumbling (Psalm 66:9). Each day, he carries me (Psalm 68:19). My health will fail me, and my spirit will weaken, but at my core, God remains the strength of my heart (Psalm 73:26). My sovereign God shelters me beneath His wings until this storm passes me by (Psalm 57:1). Again, I see the glorious destiny toward which he is leading me, leading all of us (Psalm 73:24). I feel the joy of those who dwell in His courts (Psalm 65:4). I see overwhelming prosperity in my future (Psalm 72:7). He is mine, and I am His forever (Psalm 73:26). Through the discouragement of this good news, God has brought me to a place of abundance (Psalm 66:17).
God bless,
Tim
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Celebrating or Wallowing: my choice
October 20th. Thank you for praying for me. It's our wedding anniversary and I am home alone this evening. But praise God I am not wallowing in my grief. Many are praying for me, I am actively resisting the Devil and praising God and I know that through the healing the Lord has brought to my life I am in a stronger position than this time last year.I did not buy a card or flowers this year. Probably should have. But I feel close to my honey anyway. I've talked to the Lord and I have talked to Jackie this evening.
I've celebrated positively this anniversary. I've actually enjoyed our house this evening and I have been worshipping the Lord and crying over what God is doing even in the last few days in and through Paulette and Gayle. I felt I was able to share these joys with Jackie. I could tell you their stories but thwse are theirs to tell.
Anniversaries, other special occasions and holidays all bring the person who has lost a loved one an opportunity and a choice: either indulge the flesh, wallow in grief and feel sorry for yourself or move forward by pursuing physical and spiritual objectives and feel good enough to celebrate the good memories.
It is absolutely critical that I keep pursuing healthy nutritional choices, weight loss, strength training and overall fitness. And even more important that “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14). When I live this way, I experience healing, hopefulness and energy. And by God's grace, this I do.
Maybe next year I'll not only celebrate but will also buy some flowers and a card.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I am planning to wear a wedding dress! No, this is not my Halloween costume.
7 Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8 Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.). Rev. 19:7-8
When Jackie (my beloved) first went to be with the Lord (my Beloved) and for the next number of months thereafter, I wanted very much to leave here and go and be with Him too. While the desire has dulled a bit (I am too in love with this world!), it has never really gone away. Randy Alcorn, however, in commenting on the above verse gives a good reason to stay alive and involved in ministry:
“We have a wonderful reason to stay alive, though we are apart from our Beloved, because we aren’t yet finished sewing our wedding dress. The wedding approaches, yet there’s more for us to do to present ourselves pure before our Lord. We’re eager for His return, but we don’t sit idly by. Part of us wants fewer days between now and the wedding because we’re so eager to be with our Beloved in our new home. But another part wants more days to better prepare for the wedding, to sew our dresses through acts of faithful service to God.” Randy Alcorn, Heaven Bible study p. 88
And Paul, whose zeal for the Lord never seems to have dulled, expressed exactly what it is like to be caught between an eagerness to be with Christ (our Beloved) and remain here.
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and (I)be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Philippians 1:21-24.
Jesus, You are still my Beloved (and my beloved, Jackie) but apparently Tim and I and all Your children who remain still have more work to do on our sewing project! By your grace we will do that well and then we eagerly look forward to being with You, Lord.
In Him,
Fred
P.S. “I’ll be home soon, Honey. I just have a few more things to do before I get there.”
When Jackie (my beloved) first went to be with the Lord (my Beloved) and for the next number of months thereafter, I wanted very much to leave here and go and be with Him too. While the desire has dulled a bit (I am too in love with this world!), it has never really gone away. Randy Alcorn, however, in commenting on the above verse gives a good reason to stay alive and involved in ministry:
“We have a wonderful reason to stay alive, though we are apart from our Beloved, because we aren’t yet finished sewing our wedding dress. The wedding approaches, yet there’s more for us to do to present ourselves pure before our Lord. We’re eager for His return, but we don’t sit idly by. Part of us wants fewer days between now and the wedding because we’re so eager to be with our Beloved in our new home. But another part wants more days to better prepare for the wedding, to sew our dresses through acts of faithful service to God.” Randy Alcorn, Heaven Bible study p. 88
And Paul, whose zeal for the Lord never seems to have dulled, expressed exactly what it is like to be caught between an eagerness to be with Christ (our Beloved) and remain here.
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and (I)be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Philippians 1:21-24.
Jesus, You are still my Beloved (and my beloved, Jackie) but apparently Tim and I and all Your children who remain still have more work to do on our sewing project! By your grace we will do that well and then we eagerly look forward to being with You, Lord.
In Him,
Fred
P.S. “I’ll be home soon, Honey. I just have a few more things to do before I get there.”
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tim Eimer: God continues to rescue me
Dear Friends,
The next step on my medical journey began in yet another oncology waiting room. With twice as many patients a seats, my wife and I jockeyed for a quiet spot away from the anemic TV in the corner babbling constant CNN chatter. We wedged ourselves between a middle aged couple weighed down by excess gold jewelry and a display rack stuffed with pamphlets decorated with serene scenes that tell me how to cope with chemotherapy and depression. We slouched on the heating vent with a window and fifteen floors of air to our backs.
Like the animals of the ark, pairs of people shamble into the waiting room, a patient accompanied by a loved one. Some are obvious patients, bald heads and wheel chair bound, but you have to guess others. I usually guess right; it’s something about their eyes, and I wonder how many of them peg me as the one with cancer. Like the creatures on the ark, we pile into the room seeking salvation, trying to escape the impending doom.
Time and again, patients’ conversations amaze me. They bicker over the best shade of hair color for their friend Clair and complain about the dollar increase for parking. Frustrated, I want to stand up and shout, “People, we’re staring at the door of eternity here; talk about something of substance!” But I let it pass feeling the double fists of fear and discouragement pressing hard against my chest.
During my entire life, I have fled to the book of Philippians for comfort, but my Bible felt brittle and lifeless in my hands like some outdated geography primer from the1950s. Finally, I pry it open, and providentially start reading Philippians 1:20. Paul lived in eager expectation of doing nothing that would bring shame to the gospel; he chose to honor Christ in both life and death. Well there it is. Regardless of what this doctor tells me, I need to honor Jesus Christ.
I read the entire book and have a sudden urge to scream out its truths to the other patients. Here is Paul in prison (Philippians 1:12-14), awaiting a death sentence just like we are, speaking to us across 2,000 years of broken human history. Billions before us have been in our position; billions more will face it in the decades to come, but Paul desires us to understand what really matters (Philippians 1:10). God wants us to live pure and blameless lives until Christ comes (Philippians 1:10). Our lives on this planet count toward eternity (Philippians 1:22). A regret free life and forgiveness of past sins is ours for the asking (Philippians 3:14). A great prize awaits those who call on the name of Christ (Philippians 3:14,), the end of the race (Philippians 3:14), an eternal citizenship in glory (Philippians 3:20). Jesus Himself will transform these weak, cancer ridden bodies into glorious bodies, brilliant and powerful, just like His own (Philippians 3:21). We have reason to rejoice in every circumstance (Philippians 4:4). Unfortunately, most of the patients I talk to view the cross as foolishness and not the very power of God (1 Corinthians 1:18).
After a three hour wait, I see the doctor. So let me tell you all about the good my God has done for me. My cancer is so rare the medical community does not even have meaningful statistics on it. They just know it’s fatal. But a doctor at Penn stumbled upon a drug that shrinks the tumors of my cancer. She started a trial drug study just a few months after my diagnosis. She is the only doctor in the world with a treatment for my cancer. The doctor wants me in her study, and she believes she can stop the cancer. She is the first doctor to tell me I will live. There are nasty side effects waiting for me, but, for once, none are fatal. God continues to rescue me and show me his unfailing love and goodness (Psalm 13: 5-6).
We are cautious with this news. In the past, good news has been upended, and it dumped disaster all over our lives. I continue to marvel at how little doctors truly know. Like Paul, I need to trust in the power of God rather than human wisdom with this good news as I have with all the bad (1 Corinthians 2:5). God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest strength of modern medicine (1 Corinthians 1:25). Whether I dodge this bullet or not, my body still hurtles headlong toward that day God numbered in eternity past (Psalm 39:4). We are all rushing toward the train wreck called mortality. So living with this good news is the same as living with the bad news. I rise up and thank God for the unfailing love He pours on me each day. And I pray to the One who gives me life (Psalm 42:8)
God bless,
Tim
The next step on my medical journey began in yet another oncology waiting room. With twice as many patients a seats, my wife and I jockeyed for a quiet spot away from the anemic TV in the corner babbling constant CNN chatter. We wedged ourselves between a middle aged couple weighed down by excess gold jewelry and a display rack stuffed with pamphlets decorated with serene scenes that tell me how to cope with chemotherapy and depression. We slouched on the heating vent with a window and fifteen floors of air to our backs.
Like the animals of the ark, pairs of people shamble into the waiting room, a patient accompanied by a loved one. Some are obvious patients, bald heads and wheel chair bound, but you have to guess others. I usually guess right; it’s something about their eyes, and I wonder how many of them peg me as the one with cancer. Like the creatures on the ark, we pile into the room seeking salvation, trying to escape the impending doom.
Time and again, patients’ conversations amaze me. They bicker over the best shade of hair color for their friend Clair and complain about the dollar increase for parking. Frustrated, I want to stand up and shout, “People, we’re staring at the door of eternity here; talk about something of substance!” But I let it pass feeling the double fists of fear and discouragement pressing hard against my chest.
During my entire life, I have fled to the book of Philippians for comfort, but my Bible felt brittle and lifeless in my hands like some outdated geography primer from the1950s. Finally, I pry it open, and providentially start reading Philippians 1:20. Paul lived in eager expectation of doing nothing that would bring shame to the gospel; he chose to honor Christ in both life and death. Well there it is. Regardless of what this doctor tells me, I need to honor Jesus Christ.
I read the entire book and have a sudden urge to scream out its truths to the other patients. Here is Paul in prison (Philippians 1:12-14), awaiting a death sentence just like we are, speaking to us across 2,000 years of broken human history. Billions before us have been in our position; billions more will face it in the decades to come, but Paul desires us to understand what really matters (Philippians 1:10). God wants us to live pure and blameless lives until Christ comes (Philippians 1:10). Our lives on this planet count toward eternity (Philippians 1:22). A regret free life and forgiveness of past sins is ours for the asking (Philippians 3:14). A great prize awaits those who call on the name of Christ (Philippians 3:14,), the end of the race (Philippians 3:14), an eternal citizenship in glory (Philippians 3:20). Jesus Himself will transform these weak, cancer ridden bodies into glorious bodies, brilliant and powerful, just like His own (Philippians 3:21). We have reason to rejoice in every circumstance (Philippians 4:4). Unfortunately, most of the patients I talk to view the cross as foolishness and not the very power of God (1 Corinthians 1:18).
After a three hour wait, I see the doctor. So let me tell you all about the good my God has done for me. My cancer is so rare the medical community does not even have meaningful statistics on it. They just know it’s fatal. But a doctor at Penn stumbled upon a drug that shrinks the tumors of my cancer. She started a trial drug study just a few months after my diagnosis. She is the only doctor in the world with a treatment for my cancer. The doctor wants me in her study, and she believes she can stop the cancer. She is the first doctor to tell me I will live. There are nasty side effects waiting for me, but, for once, none are fatal. God continues to rescue me and show me his unfailing love and goodness (Psalm 13: 5-6).
We are cautious with this news. In the past, good news has been upended, and it dumped disaster all over our lives. I continue to marvel at how little doctors truly know. Like Paul, I need to trust in the power of God rather than human wisdom with this good news as I have with all the bad (1 Corinthians 2:5). God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest strength of modern medicine (1 Corinthians 1:25). Whether I dodge this bullet or not, my body still hurtles headlong toward that day God numbered in eternity past (Psalm 39:4). We are all rushing toward the train wreck called mortality. So living with this good news is the same as living with the bad news. I rise up and thank God for the unfailing love He pours on me each day. And I pray to the One who gives me life (Psalm 42:8)
God bless,
Tim
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