From The Heart, Through the Word

Tim Eimer: Among the anguish and anxiety grow the promises of God

2009-05-10T16:20:00.004-05:00

Dear friends,
It’s Mother’s Day, and I'm sick. What a perfect metaphor for this disease. More than anyone, my wife needs a day of rest, but now, she will need to pick up the slack for my illness because the chemotherapy tore up my insides all night long. Cancer respects no holiday, and honors no one.

I had a rough week. Flu like symptoms descend on me each evening driving me to the toilet again and again and churning my gut into a queasy brew of pain and nausea.

The daily fight against the symptoms weakens me. I feel like I am forced to brawl a bully everyday after school; my strength slips away in a haze of fatigue and lost pounds. discouragement pries open the door to my thoughts allowing fear and anxiety to slink in. When can I feel normal again? What will next week’s scan reveal? What if I am going thorough all this for nothing? Why doesn't God stop all this?

I attended the funeral of friend last week, and between the dozen trips to the bathroom, one statement about his life struck me. This revered man of God wrestled with a fear of death. My own wrestling matches rage on daily. Doubts storm my mind like a barrage of fiery arrows. At times, I doubt God’s existence. (I pray hard for atheists for they have the most wretched faith.) I wonder if God’s grace covers me. Perhaps I have slipped out from under salvation’s covering? Fear of growing tumors, approaching death and eternal damnation hammer away at me daily. How could all this be happening to me? I try to put on the helmet of salvation to block the assault, but it doesn't always work (1 Thessalonians 5:8).

Desperately, I scour the Psalms for reassuring promises, but I find David’s cries of anguish to match my own. His aching prayers echo mine.

"Lord, please listen, I'm crying for help (Psalm 141:1)."
"I pour out my complaints; I tell you my troubles. I am overwhelmed. I cry out and plead for God’s mercy (Psalm 142:1-3)."
"Lord, why do you withdraw from me when I need you most (Psalm 10:1)."
"Lord, how long will you forget me? (Psalm 13:1)"
"I am losing hope. I am paralyzed with fear. Listen to my prayer, Oh Lord. Hear my plea (Psalm 143:1-3)." "From the depths of despair, I cry out to you for help (Psalm 130:1)."
"O Lord, God of my salvation, I have cried out to you day and night. Now hear my prayer (Psalm 88:1-2)."

By my count, forty three psalms begin with a cry for help, a plea for mercy, a call to be rescued. David and the psalmists were well acquainted with my desperate state of mind. But planted among the anguish and anxiety grow the promises of God, towering trees of refuge rising up from the fertile but black soil of suffering, disappointment and fear. I recite those promises as my own.

I have stilled and quieted myself (Psalm 131:2).
God, you knit me together in the womb (Psalm 139:13).
You made me and won't abandon me (Psalm 138:8).
Before I was born, you laid out every moment of my life (Psalm 139:16).
You, O God, are behind me, and you go out before me into my future moments of despair (Psalm 139:5).
You wait for me on the date of my death. I am precious in your thoughts (Psalm 139:17),
and your thoughts about me outnumber the sand grains of all the world’s beaches (Psalm 139:18).
You remain close to me because I call upon you honestly (Psalm 145:18).
The godly crowd around me for you treat me with kindness (Psalm 142:7).
I remember your great works (Psalm 143:5),
the glimpses of heaven you sent me, your soothing dreams, the prayers of the saints that lifted me from despair, the startling good medical news, the countless signs you have laid on my path over the past four years. My heart takes confidence in you (Psalm 108:1).
You keep no record of my sins (Psalm 130:3).
Your salvation overflows my soul (Psalm 130:7).
You promise to be my light and salvation (Psalm 27:1).
I will not be shaken for you are my salvation and rock (Psalm 62:2).
I love you, Lord, for you hear and answer my prayers (Psalm 116:1).

Just by writing this letter, I feel better, more centered. I'm weak and feeling sick again, but my mind is at rest. Thank you for listening.

God bless,
Tim

Remember to celebrate: simple thoughts for a birthday

2009-05-07T21:13:00.000-05:00

today was Jackie's birthday. Happy birthday my love.

She would have been 68. She did not even make it out of her 60s. I miss her so much. She loved birthdays. She liked to celebrate hers and others.

Of course now she is in endless celebration with the Lord. Everyday is a special occasion.

But as long as I remain I need to celebrate others. Their birthdays, their victories, their very lives. Give gifts even when not a special event, send a note, love at all times. Lord help me to do that joyously but also diligently. Write it down, make a plan, execute the plan. Whether it is to send an email, send a card, give a check, buy a gift.

Meanwhile, I look forward to that day when time is complete and we are all with Jesus. Those of us who know and love Him that is.

Tim Eimer: The good God wants for me is...

2009-04-20T15:08:00.009-05:00

Dear Friends,

The same symptoms persist. Blisters on my feet continue to make walking difficult. Chronic digestive symptoms steal many hours of sleep from me, and fatigue has taken up permanent residence down at my core. Anxious thoughts about the results of next month’s scans flit through my mind everyday, and a pervasive discouragement weighs down my spirit, heavy shackles of fear and worry. Discouragement cracks open the door to temptation and sin. I hear myself complaining more than giving thanks (Philippians 2:14). My mind remains mired in the temporary struggles on this bit of rock instead of being filled with the unseen realities of heaven and my new life in Christ (Colossians 3:1-2). Impatiently, I withhold grace and love from those closest to me, from my family and friends and students (Proverbs 3:27-28). Fear and dismay rock my soul and shake my faith (Isaiah 41:10). I dwell on my troubles, and even a month of prayers provided little peace in my soul (Philippians 4:7) I find myself bargaining with God, exchanging favors for the promise of healing (Luke 4:12). I struggled to be thankful despite my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). But why not give in to my pet sins? I’m suffering; I deserve it; who’s going to blame me?

Well, we all know who. Obviously, I lost sight of the purpose God has for me during this little trial called cancer. I should have expected this trial, or at least one like it. Trails and troubles walk hand in hand with our lives (1 Thessalonians 3:3). I was born to trouble just as sparks fly from the fire (Job 5:7). My tears and pain and death don’t get taken off the table until the old order has past away (Revelation 21:4). This month, God needed to remind me to snap out of my self pity. Discouragement is not part of the plan.

I also lost sight of why God placed me in this trial. This cancer tests my faith, purging it of weakness and revealing its strength and purity (1 Peter 1:7). Through this disease, I taste a bit of the sweetness Job discovered. God’s plan for my existence ends in good overflowing with mercy I do not deserve (James 5:11). The purpose of this trial is to come through it with a strong, blameless and holy heart and to be able to stand before Christ on Judgment Day without a trace of shame, guilt or regret (1 Thessalonians 3:13). The grand design for every blister on my foot, every night run to the bathroom, every dart of doubt about the tumors in my lungs is to work each of them for my good (Romans 8:28). The good He is working toward is not a pain free, symptom free, carefree life for me. His good is to mold and craft and forge my spirit and soul into a perfect mirror image of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Each small trial tethers me to this hidden process at work in me. The good God wants for me is the complete suppression in this life and eradication in the next life of my sinful nature, a nature forever hostile to Him. His good for me is the absolute control of my heart by the Holy Spirit that I may enjoy a complete life and perfect peace (Romans 8:6).

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So I guess I can endure the symptoms for a while longer.

I covet your prayers, especially for my discouragement and fears. Despite all my lofty words, I often find myself weary with worry.

God bless,

Tim

Editor's (Fred) note: After meditating on Tim's message and praying for him, here is an assignment that can help you take away some important lessons. Why not list all the ways you would complete the title sentence, "The good God wants for me is..." based on Tim's message and the Scriptures included. Send it to Tim or to the blog. I'll pass it on to Tim. Let him know how he has blessed you.

Jesus is the First Fruit of more to come!

2009-04-12T09:31:00.002-05:00

From the Old Testament, we read God’s instructions to His people:

9-14 God spoke to Moses: "Tell the People of Israel, When you arrive at the land that I am giving you and reap its harvest, bring to the priest a sheaf of the first grain that you harvest. He will wave the sheaf before God for acceptance on your behalf; on the morning after Sabbath, the priest will wave it. On the same day that you wave the sheaf, offer a year-old male lamb without defect for a Whole-Burnt-Offering to God and with it the Grain-Offering of four quarts of fine flour mixed with oil—a Fire-Gift to God, a pleasing fragrance—and also a Drink-Offering of a quart of wine. Don't eat any bread or roasted or fresh grain until you have presented this offering to your God. This is a perpetual decree for all your generations to come, wherever you live. Leviticus 23:9-14 (The Message)

In I Cor 15:20 ff Paul compares the fact of Jesus’ resurrection to the harvest that takes place every year. It was the custom of the Israelites to bring the very first “fruits” of the harvest to the Temple as a Thanksgiving Offering. In so doing, they recognized that the harvest itself was a gift from God and not something for which they were to take for granted. By offering the very first portion of the harvest, they were, in fact, consecrating the entire harvest to God. The very term itself recognizes that there is more to come.

By using this metaphor, Paul is stating in symbolic terms that we will share in the resurrection as well. Just as the first portion of the harvest signals that there is more to come, Jesus’ resurrection signals that we too will share in that resurrection.

This gives me great joy and comfort. Happy Easter. Happy Resurrection Day! Hallelujah. He is Risen indeed.

Tim Eimer: ...my present suffering cannot compare to our future glory

2009-04-03T10:44:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,

This has been a frustrating month. The blisters on my feet have hurt continuously for five weeks, and after a temporary reprieve with a new probiotic, my intestinal pain also returned. I preached the past two weeks about Jarius and the woman with the blood disease (Luke 8: 40-56), and the sermons were a success because God spoke to me during their preparation. He impressed upon me James’ exhortation in James 1:2-5 to welcome my present troubles with joy because my trials are perfecting my faith, but this past week, I told God plainly that I find no joy in these persistent health annoyances. My cantankerous attitude prevented me from writing a new update to you and shoved me into a state of self-pity.

Then in His providence, I read a powerful chapter last night about our Lord’s torturous ordeal at the hands of the Romans and the angry mob in a Stephen Lawhead book titled The Black Rood (chapter 36). The chapter was especially poignant as I have been praying about and meditating on the upcoming Easter season. While reading the description of our Lord’s crucifixion, my own minor pains quickly faded to insignificance. I felt compelled to camp out in Romans 8 this morning where God’s perspective crystallized to an ever-sharpened focus. I do groan for a release from this earthly pain and suffering, for the day I receive the full rights as God’s son, for the new resurrected body he promised me, and for my new found freedom (verse 23), but my present suffering cannot compare to our future glory (verse 18). I felt power emanating from God’s word this morning and experienced a taste of the powerful freedom I have from sin and death (verse 2). The self-pity of my sinful nature need not control me; I am controlled by the Spirit (verse 9), and in my distress, the Holy Spirit prays for me with a language too complex to fathom (verse 26). Even now, my sore feet and upset stomach are working toward my good, which is to be conformed to the image of Jesus (verses 28-29). My health troubles now and the threat of death from cancer in the months to come cannot separate me from the love of Christ (verse 35). Be encouraged, my friends. As brothers and sisters of Jesus, we stand blameless before the God of the universe (verse30) and will share in His vast treasures for everything God has given to His Son, he has also granted to us.

Enjoy a blessed Easter,

Tim

PS: Some of you have asked about hearing my sermons. The sermons from the past two weeks can be heard or downloaded from our church’s website at www.hccwg.org. Click “messages” then “recent sermons.”

Tim Eimer: God's will - always be thankful

2009-03-05T20:28:00.004-06:00

Dear friends,
The nightmares started last week. My son is ripped out of our car window, and I must track him down. Fleeing a situation of temptation, I drive through riot rocked streets, lost and on the run. I seek out a woman and discover a hideous injury has marred her face. As I write this letter, it is 4:00 AM , the time these dreams yank me out of a sound sleep.

My feet throb. Walking was painful again this week, and upset stomachs stirred up havoc throughout my teaching days. My patience evaporated in moments this week. Last night, I brought tears to older son’s eyes during homework time, and minutes ago, my youngest woke up wet and throwing a fit. I cursed right in front of him. That’s a new sin for me. The many tasks of my days overwhelmed my thoughts this week causing me to make mistakes and feel like I’m clawing through my “to do” lists unable to stay on top of life’s demands. For the first time in twenty three years, I shut the door of my classroom on Tuesday and just wept. (No, students were not in the room at the time.) Needless to say, my week is not going well.

One thought echoed through my mind upon waking up this morning. Be thankful. No matter what happens, be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18 ). Be thankful; the absolute last thing I want to hear from God. I want to hear, “Tim, this is the last week of the symptoms.” Tim, this ordeal will soon be over, and you can have you nice life back.” “Tim, this drug is messing with your head so I will not lay these sins at your feet.” But over and over again, God whispered to me. Be thankful. Always be joyful. Keep on praying. Be patient with everyone. Regardless of what happens to you, always be thankful, for this is my will for you because you belong to Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 18). Certainly God’s will should be to relieve my pain. Without a doubt, God’s will should be that I am cured. Clearly anyone can see, God’s will for my life should be that I have a life to care for my family and raise my boys and minister to my students, but the only message I hear from my omnipotent God is to be thankful.

Apparently I have never properly learned this lesson. I thank God for my blessings each morning, but this runs deeper. Throughout my day, the Spirit prompts me to give thanks when a trip to the school office seems like a trek up Everest, when I consider moving my computer into the bathroom, when I wake up in the dead of night and He compels me to write a letter. So I’ll start with all of you. Thank you, lord, for my many friends who pray and care for me. That’s a good start.

God bless,

T

Tim Eimer: Endure the race God has set before you

2009-02-26T17:32:00.003-06:00

Dear friends,
In recent weeks, the chemotherapy symptoms have receded, but it is still a daily battle. At times I wake in the middle of the night with my hands or feet throbbing like raw burns. Some weeks I can play basketball; other days I hobble about on blisters. Each night near dinnertime, stomach virus symptoms hit me, and after an exhausting fight, I often crash into bed at 8:00. I feel guilty even mentioning my problems when I know so many of you suffer with chronic pain. I admire your perseverance and enduring faith.

This past month, God seeded my thoughts with this idea of endurance. Today, like many other days, discouragement grapples for control of my thoughts and soul, and the Spirit prompts me to see beyond my warring emotions and rest in the goodness of God. His faithful love endures forever (Psalm 106:1).

This hard patch in my life is an opportunity for joy. This trial tests my faith and churns up fertile ground to revitalize my endurance. When my endurance grows to full stature, my character will be strong and complete and lack nothing (James 1:2-4). To receive all God has promised me and continue in His will, I need patient endurance (Hebrews 10:36).

God reminds me of the great honor He bestowed on Job for His endurance. God is filled with tenderness and mercy; His plan for Job ended in good; His plan for me will end in goodness; amazing grace is also His plan for you even amidst your troubles (James 5:11). Though we endure many trials for now, wonderful joy awaits us, boundless mercy, resurrection to a new life, a priceless inheritance, the salvation of our souls (1 Peter 1:3-6). As our faith is refined by our fiery trials to a purity beyond gold, its strength will one day bring us glory and praise and honor on the day Jesus reveals Himself to the world (1 Peter 1:7).

I know this letter finds many of you in trials and trouble; that is our perpetual condition on this planet. I encourage you to endure the race God has set before you. Strip off everything that slows you down. Fix your sight on the Author and Perfecter of our faith. A great cloud of witnesses to our lives of faith surround us even now and roar a great cheer for us (Hebrews 12: 1-4). We believe we are more than conquerors through Christ; they know it (Romans 8:37).

I heard a great pastor speak on suffering recently. He said God will always delivers us from our suffering.

He will deliver us from it, or
He will deliver us through it, or
He will deliver us in it.

My doctor told me today my long-term prognosis is completely unknown; this experimental drug has only been used in this small study for three years. Some patients are doing well; others are not. God did not deliver me from this trial, and I do not know if He will deliver me through it or in it, but if He does not, He lends me the strength to endure it each day.

God bless,
Tim

My Valentine forever

2009-02-10T13:34:00.004-06:00

Our wedding bulletin said it all...

This day I marry my friend,
the one I laugh with,
dream with,
Love

Jackie and I did not have many specific dreams for the future but I did anticipate retiring from work and growing old with her. My future was anticipated as a twosome.

But it was not to be. Jackie died, went to be with the Lord before I retired. Not only were our golden years not so golden; in fact, we never got to our golden years.

But I was not promised golden years on this earth, no less ‘a rose garden’. The golden days are ahead of us in the New Heaven and the New Earth.

So this Valentine Day I cannot give her flowers or a card or express my love and that still feels empty and sad. But one day she will be my Valentine forever and we will both be greatly in love with our Lord as well.

Maybe she will even sit on my lap!

Tim Eimer: best possible news but I am still in desperate need of prayer.

2009-01-09T20:19:00.006-06:00

Dear friends,

Cancer patients do not generally want to see their doctors crying in the examination room, but my doctor shed tears of joy yesterday as she read the results of my latest scan. A year and a day after we heard my illness had become terminal, we received the best possible news (outside of God intervening to heal me completely). All the tumors shrank dramatically; one decreased in size by 30%.

Hopefully, this new medicine will stunt the growth of the tumors indefinitely, but it will not make them disappear, which means I will be on this medicine for the foreseeable future. I am still in desperate need of prayer, and I covet your petitions. I must deal with the nasty side effects of the drug for the next four or five months, and coming to school sick everyday to teach is becoming a chore. The medicine also causes depression, and I have been battling a vague sense of discouragement and anxiety in recent weeks. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by simple tasks such as paying the bills or packing my school bag. Fortunately, my years of experience take over in the classroom, and I have no trouble teaching. I have also lost 16 pounds, and my doctor says it is essential for me to eat and to lift weights twice a week to prevent muscle wasting. Right now, I'm limping through my workouts; it would be so much easier to go home and sleep.

Thanks you so much for your unceasing prayers. Gayle and I feel like buckets of grace have been poured onto us as a result of many faithful prayers offered up to God's throne on our behalf. Thank you for your kindness, support and encouragement. We are truly grateful.

God bless,

Tim
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Moses lifted up hands, staff and prayers to the Lord while Joshua fought the enemy in the valley below. Can we do that for Tim? - Fred

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8 The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. 9 Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."
10 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
14 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."
15 Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner. 16 He said, "For hands were lifted up to the throne of the LORD. The LORD will be at war against the Amalekites from generation to generation." Exodus 17:8-15

So who cares?

2008-12-17T19:26:00.003-06:00

Men need to be respected. Women want to be loved. That’s the general rule of thumb we are told for husbands and wives to keep in mind. We men have a desire to be a woman’s hero, protector, and provider.

I am not naturally handy or technical. But anytime I fixed something, no matter how simple, Jackie would go on about how clever I was, how willing I was to do things. And it worked! I felt good and the next time I would stand on my head to get a problem resolved! Sometimes, just her faith in me was the thing that kept me going until I found a solution. True, sometimes it was an improvised, low tech “missionary fix” but it got the job done!

In the first number of months after Jackie went to be with the Lord my grief was unbearable at times. And even after the first several months, the sense of emptiness, and not caring about things – a feeling of ‘what’s the use’ kept sweeping over me. I would leave things undone, bills unpaid, equipment in need of repair, messes everywhere, dirty dishes, etc…

It’s gotten better recently. In fact, in the last day or so at home, I got the vacuum cleaner, the garbage disposal and the computer working again - okay, in all 3 cases it was an easy ‘fix’. And the place is actually starting to look neat again and there are a few minimal Christmas decorations on the counter this year. But still I felt something was missing. Then I realized – there was no one to tell. No one to allow me to bask in the glory of “you’re so smart”, “you’ll try anything”, “that looks nice”, “you did a beautiful job”, etc…

So who cares now if I fix something around the house?

Too much of my life has been spent people pleasing (a good thing unless you lose touch with yourself). I find I often serve so others will think well of me. I’ll knock myself out for a compliment.

I have sensed that God is asking me, who are you Fred? What is important to you? Who are you when nobody is looking? It all seems to be part of an overall process the Lord is putting me through at this time in my life to help me differentiate from others (a childhood developmental task, by the way!), clarify and strengthen my character, discipline, commitments, diligence, integrity, allegiances, ministry and obedience to Him apart from who we were as a couple; apart from anyone else but Him.

So Who cares? The Lord cares! I just have to celebrate these minor victories myself. I have to do it for personal satisfaction and also, most importantly, do it as unto the Lord.
- Fred Miska

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22 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.
23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men,
24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. (Colossians 3:22-24)

21 "His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.' (Matthew 25:21).

Are you lonesome tonight?

2008-12-08T19:57:00.003-06:00

Are you lonesome tonight?
do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they can bring the curtain down
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Of course, you recognize the title and the exerpted words are from an old Elvis song and the context is a love relationship that was lost through drifting apart. Not exactly my circumstances. I do however identify with the title, with the loss and with the lonesome feelings.

But it is such an awful feeling that I battle many evenings as I contemplate going home. You see, it is not so much being at home alone but THINKING about going home to an empty house. My honey is gone; the love of my life. It is so hard to face that lonely drive home to an empty house. ONCE in the house, I busy myself with paperwork, reading emails, washing the dishes, doing laundry, getting ready for tomorrow and falling in to bed with the company of the TV. I wish I was more victorious but this feeling is not going away.

Eventually, when I move out of this house and begin living with others either in Virginia or in Texas maybe I won’t feel the emptiness.

I know God loves me and yearns to spend time with me. I know He said He will never leave me or forsake me. But I also yearn for human company. Not a marriage partner, just loving family or friends. Someone to talk to, laugh with, do something with – at home. Reminds me of our marriage bulletin and a plaque we have on the wall in the house which reads:

This day I marry my friend
The one I dream with, laugh with, love

Tim Eimer: Conformity to the image of Christ... through these symptoms

2008-12-01T19:07:00.002-06:00

Dear friends, the symptoms intensified this past week, and I hated what they revealed.
Harsh words flew from my mouth at my boys all week long instead of the soothing oil of gentleness. Impatience burned in my throat like dragon fire. My thoughts dwelled inward on my suffering instead of seeing beyond these mere annoyances to the needs of others. The flaking corrosion of selfishness still clings to the core of my soul encrusting it with debilitating impurities. The hot flames of this trial, it would seem, are needed to scour away the rust (1 Peter 1:7).

Soon after the symptoms of this drug began, God placed a strong image of Jesus in my thoughts. My mind cannot fathom the humility of our Lord.

Through eternity past, Jesus was the visible image of the invisible God (Colossians 1:15). He claimed the title of God King, royal deity, the One who reigned through all eternity (Hebrews 1:8). Jesus reflected the blinding radiance of His Father's glory (Hebrews 1:3). He created every king and kingdom, every atom and wisp of gas, and His power held the universe together (Colossians 1:16-17).

Then Jesus humbled Himself to this life, this small bit of rock, this misery, and His cross. He came to us poorly clothed in our hunger, thirst, and pain plagued flesh, reduced in status below His glorious subjects (Hebrews 2:9). He submitted Himself to every carnal temptation (Hebrews 4:15) and tasted the bitter decay of death (Hebrews 2:9).

How did Jesus react to His suffering? He healed thousands upon thousands. He poured kind words on tax collectors and repulsive adulteresses. He fed the hungry. He defended the most wretched of people, the impoverished, widows, crippled beggars. He patiently taught the flocks of sheep like listeners. Jesus bore the mocking and beating of Roman soldiers in silence without curse or complaint. He hauled his cross through Jerusalem's streets till he could no longer stand. He stayed on a cross without calling his vast army of angels to help him.

Obviously, I have a long way to go in following my Savior's example of a life filled with love for others (Ephesians 5:1). Romans 8:28 promises me that all things, my cancer included, will work toward my good because I love God, but Romans 8:29 identifies the good. The good is not a cancer free life nor even a span of years to raise my boys. The good is conformity to the image of Christ, the example of Jesus. This is the lesson I need to learn through these symptoms.

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: He will give me all my needs for today if...

2008-11-24T07:56:00.004-06:00

Dear friends, I started the experimental drug last Monday, and unfortunately, the effects are popping up early. I spent much of my weekend in bed with flu like symptoms or abdominal pain. Arthritis, painful hand and foot sores, skin rash, hair loss, fatigue, and muscle wasting wait for me in the coming months. The symptoms come upon me like a spell. My mind fogs up; pain and aches throb out of nowhere, and simple tasks become chores of mental focus.

I’ve also slammed into an emotional wall. Lying in bed on Saturday, I did not want to get up and play Monopoly with the boys because I was just tired of taking the medical hits and getting back up for more. Driving to work today, I nearly started to cry at the thought of trudging through months of symptoms while teaching middle school children.

But our Savior’s words echoed in my mind over and over this week. Stop worrying about tomorrow. Today’s trouble is enough for today (Matthew 6:34). I just need to pray and grit my way through today. My heavenly Father knows all my needs, and He will give me all my needs for today if I make the Kingdom of God my primary concern (Matthew 6:34). I really have so little faith. I forget about God’s care for the wild flowers and sparrows and the great value He places on me (Matthew 6: 25-30). So I will keep on asking for grace (Matthew 7:7), and trust my heavenly Father will give me His good gifts (Matthew 7:11).

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: These moments of my life were planned long ago

2008-11-12T22:48:00.004-06:00

Dear Friends, I had my last scan on Friday night for this trial drug program. I spent hours in another wretched waiting room. An incessant squeal chirped constantly from a faulty air duct system, and the TV blared the local news with saccharine urgency. The heating vent in the hallway provided the only, warm quiet place for me to think and read.

My week was worse than the waiting room. A nasty cold lodged deep in my chest waking me up every night; my wife’s minor knee surgery left her in bed with pain and a bad reaction to her medicine; I twisted my ankle playing basketball, and I wrestled all week with 1 Samuel chapter 13 trying to craft a Sunday sermon out of Saul’s miserable life choices.

As you can tell, I’m struggling with the drudgery of this gray planet, the grind of teaching, the fatigue settling at the core of my bones, the spiritual drain of juggling too many trials at once. I apologize about starting my recent letters from the quagmire of life’s frustrating details, but it streams unbidden onto my computer screen. I need to scurry back to the Psalms as I sit in this hospital room waiting to get stuck and scanned.

Psalm 139 snags my attention. Hospitals humble even the proudest of men. This hospital and this disease have humbled me, but my Lord is great and He cares for the humble (Psalm 139:6). This is the great chapter of God’s omnipresence, and I cherish that attribute of God now. God preceded me here, and he follows me through these waiting rooms, corridors and scanning chambers (Psalm 139:5). He lays his hand of blessing on my head (Psalm 139:5). Decades ago, He knitted me together in secret seclusion weaving me into be who I am today (Psalm 139:13) and who I will be in glory (2 Corinthians 5:1). I must not forget glory in all of this temporary inconvenience.

These moments of my life were planned long ago (Psalm 139:16). The moment my ankle twisted on the court was planned; the screeching heating duct- planned, my frustration with the long wait on a Friday night-planned, the pitiful woman sucking down oxygen and being wheeled into the waiting room- planned, the man with the face scarcely recognizable as human fiddling with the office scale- planned; your Spirit compelling me to pray for least of these- all planned.

Long ago, God mapped out this frustrated day of mine for a purpose (Psalm 139:16). This day tests me and forces me to see all my unbelieving thoughts and the hardened heart that offends you (Psalm 139:24). This day points out all my offenses, and they are many, against you- the complaining, doubting, second guessing, impatience, and careless words.

Lead me again in the path of everlasting life (Psalm 139:24). I lift my eyes, yet again, to you, O God, enthroned in heaven (Psalm 123:1). I will stop fixating on the evening news and its constant chatter about the economic meltdown. I will stop staring at the machine that may reveal more hidden cancer. I’ll stop glancing behind me at every setback, and I will lift my eyes. I see your hope, your future, your reality. I see your salvation. I see with spiritual eyes discerning spiritual realities. I see my God, Jesus, the bright morning star, clothed with light and beauty, enthroned above my future home (Revelation 22:16). I will lift my eyes.

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: How can good news cause so much trouble?

2008-10-27T21:40:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,

How can good news cause so much trouble? A storm of conflicting thoughts and doubts raged through my mind the past few weeks. Before the news of a possible cure, I straddled two parallel paths each day. I trudged along a path of sorrow about leaving my family behind, but I also raced along a path of joy. I tasted the sweet fruits of glory. I experienced God’s power in my preaching, chapel speaking, writing and daily events. My mind focused on the realities of heaven.

Now my direction has reversed. I want to live, don’t get me wrong. Daily I beg God for the joys of raising my children; I desire my “full measure” of years with my wife, but the beauty of heaven is receding. I feel the Spirit’s power draining away from me like water being wrung from a sponge. In recent years, I’ve soared atop the peaks of God’s insights and passed beneath the black shadow of death. Now, life seems filled with drudgery and details. I am tethered once again to this gray, troubled planet.

Again, I retreat into the psalms of David. They ground me in reality. This man, Israel’s ancient king, speaks to me from across three thousand years of human history. He suffered great distress as do I (Psalm 55:2). One moment, he courageously faced death by the power of God (Psalm 55:18); the next moment he crumpled into a beggar pleading for mercy (Psalm 55:4-5). It is the same with me. God allowed suffering in David’s life so he could speak to generations of the faithful stuck in the mire of doubts on this dull world. He speaks to me now.

So I will begin as David always began. I poured out my heart to God and committed myself to trusting Him always (Psalm 62:8). As I poured out my turmoil, the fog of doubts and disappointments cleared, and I saw the miraculous deeds he has done in my life (Psalm 52:9). Jehovah has been with me since birth (Psalm 71:6), and at least six times (by my count), He has rescued me from death (Psalm 56:13). As David was surrounded by fierce lions (Psalm 57:4), cancer, the great predator of our time, greedily devoured me, but I called upon the Lord, and He delivered me (Psalm 55:16). As I spoke with my God, He reminded me, yet again, that my life is about Him not me. I must exalt Him; His glory must shine upon the earth (Psalm 57:11). My life is His instrument.

God allowed me to suffer hardship, but he restored my life and lifted me from the depths (Psalm 71:20). My life is an example to many because God is my strength and protection (Psalm 71:7). God tested me like silver melted in a crucible to purge from my life the useless slag of sin and selfishness (Psalm 66:10). I handed Him my burdens, and He cared for me (Psalm 55:22). I have invited others to view the awesome miracles He has done on my behalf (Psalm 66:5). Faithfully and with awe-inspiring deeds, he has answered my prayers for healing, for my family, my church, my school, and my friends (Psalm 65:5).

My prayers led to repentance. I confessed my sins of doubt and complaining, and God heard me. He did not remove His unfailing love from me (Psalm 66:17-19). I gave God what He desires, honesty from deep within my soul (Psalm 51:6). He gave me what He promises- a clean heart, a renewed spirit, and the presence of His Holy Spirit (Psalm 51: 10-11). I gave Him a broken spirit and repentant heart (Psalm 51:17); He gave me the joy of my salvation (Psalm 51:12).

So I begin again. I cry out to Him morning, noon and night (Psalm 55:17). I acknowledge that my life is in His hands, and He prevents me from stumbling (Psalm 66:9). Each day, he carries me (Psalm 68:19). My health will fail me, and my spirit will weaken, but at my core, God remains the strength of my heart (Psalm 73:26). My sovereign God shelters me beneath His wings until this storm passes me by (Psalm 57:1). Again, I see the glorious destiny toward which he is leading me, leading all of us (Psalm 73:24). I feel the joy of those who dwell in His courts (Psalm 65:4). I see overwhelming prosperity in my future (Psalm 72:7). He is mine, and I am His forever (Psalm 73:26). Through the discouragement of this good news, God has brought me to a place of abundance (Psalm 66:17).

God bless,

Tim

Celebrating or Wallowing: my choice

2008-10-20T23:20:00.005-05:00

October 20th. Thank you for praying for me. It's our wedding anniversary and I am home alone this evening. But praise God I am not wallowing in my grief. Many are praying for me, I am actively resisting the Devil and praising God and I know that through the healing the Lord has brought to my life I am in a stronger position than this time last year.

I did not buy a card or flowers this year. Probably should have. But I feel close to my honey anyway. I've talked to the Lord and I have talked to Jackie this evening.

I've celebrated positively this anniversary. I've actually enjoyed our house this evening and I have been worshipping the Lord and crying over what God is doing even in the last few days in and through Paulette and Gayle. I felt I was able to share these joys with Jackie. I could tell you their stories but thwse are theirs to tell.

Anniversaries, other special occasions and holidays all bring the person who has lost a loved one an opportunity and a choice: either indulge the flesh, wallow in grief and feel sorry for yourself or move forward by pursuing physical and spiritual objectives and feel good enough to celebrate the good memories.

It is absolutely critical that I keep pursuing healthy nutritional choices, weight loss, strength training and overall fitness. And even more important that “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14). When I live this way, I experience healing, hopefulness and energy. And by God's grace, this I do.

Maybe next year I'll not only celebrate but will also buy some flowers and a card.

I am planning to wear a wedding dress! No, this is not my Halloween costume.

2008-10-16T11:55:00.004-05:00

7 Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8 Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.). Rev. 19:7-8

When Jackie (my beloved) first went to be with the Lord (my Beloved) and for the next number of months thereafter, I wanted very much to leave here and go and be with Him too. While the desire has dulled a bit (I am too in love with this world!), it has never really gone away. Randy Alcorn, however, in commenting on the above verse gives a good reason to stay alive and involved in ministry:

“We have a wonderful reason to stay alive, though we are apart from our Beloved, because we aren’t yet finished sewing our wedding dress. The wedding approaches, yet there’s more for us to do to present ourselves pure before our Lord. We’re eager for His return, but we don’t sit idly by. Part of us wants fewer days between now and the wedding because we’re so eager to be with our Beloved in our new home. But another part wants more days to better prepare for the wedding, to sew our dresses through acts of faithful service to God.” Randy Alcorn, Heaven Bible study p. 88

And Paul, whose zeal for the Lord never seems to have dulled, expressed exactly what it is like to be caught between an eagerness to be with Christ (our Beloved) and remain here.

21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and (I)be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Philippians 1:21-24.

Jesus, You are still my Beloved (and my beloved, Jackie) but apparently Tim and I and all Your children who remain still have more work to do on our sewing project! By your grace we will do that well and then we eagerly look forward to being with You, Lord.

In Him,

Fred

P.S. “I’ll be home soon, Honey. I just have a few more things to do before I get there.”

Tim Eimer: God continues to rescue me

2008-10-15T15:44:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

The next step on my medical journey began in yet another oncology waiting room. With twice as many patients a seats, my wife and I jockeyed for a quiet spot away from the anemic TV in the corner babbling constant CNN chatter. We wedged ourselves between a middle aged couple weighed down by excess gold jewelry and a display rack stuffed with pamphlets decorated with serene scenes that tell me how to cope with chemotherapy and depression. We slouched on the heating vent with a window and fifteen floors of air to our backs.

Like the animals of the ark, pairs of people shamble into the waiting room, a patient accompanied by a loved one. Some are obvious patients, bald heads and wheel chair bound, but you have to guess others. I usually guess right; it’s something about their eyes, and I wonder how many of them peg me as the one with cancer. Like the creatures on the ark, we pile into the room seeking salvation, trying to escape the impending doom.

Time and again, patients’ conversations amaze me. They bicker over the best shade of hair color for their friend Clair and complain about the dollar increase for parking. Frustrated, I want to stand up and shout, “People, we’re staring at the door of eternity here; talk about something of substance!” But I let it pass feeling the double fists of fear and discouragement pressing hard against my chest.

During my entire life, I have fled to the book of Philippians for comfort, but my Bible felt brittle and lifeless in my hands like some outdated geography primer from the1950s. Finally, I pry it open, and providentially start reading Philippians 1:20. Paul lived in eager expectation of doing nothing that would bring shame to the gospel; he chose to honor Christ in both life and death. Well there it is. Regardless of what this doctor tells me, I need to honor Jesus Christ.

I read the entire book and have a sudden urge to scream out its truths to the other patients. Here is Paul in prison (Philippians 1:12-14), awaiting a death sentence just like we are, speaking to us across 2,000 years of broken human history. Billions before us have been in our position; billions more will face it in the decades to come, but Paul desires us to understand what really matters (Philippians 1:10). God wants us to live pure and blameless lives until Christ comes (Philippians 1:10). Our lives on this planet count toward eternity (Philippians 1:22). A regret free life and forgiveness of past sins is ours for the asking (Philippians 3:14). A great prize awaits those who call on the name of Christ (Philippians 3:14,), the end of the race (Philippians 3:14), an eternal citizenship in glory (Philippians 3:20). Jesus Himself will transform these weak, cancer ridden bodies into glorious bodies, brilliant and powerful, just like His own (Philippians 3:21). We have reason to rejoice in every circumstance (Philippians 4:4). Unfortunately, most of the patients I talk to view the cross as foolishness and not the very power of God (1 Corinthians 1:18).

After a three hour wait, I see the doctor. So let me tell you all about the good my God has done for me. My cancer is so rare the medical community does not even have meaningful statistics on it. They just know it’s fatal. But a doctor at Penn stumbled upon a drug that shrinks the tumors of my cancer. She started a trial drug study just a few months after my diagnosis. She is the only doctor in the world with a treatment for my cancer. The doctor wants me in her study, and she believes she can stop the cancer. She is the first doctor to tell me I will live. There are nasty side effects waiting for me, but, for once, none are fatal. God continues to rescue me and show me his unfailing love and goodness (Psalm 13: 5-6).

We are cautious with this news. In the past, good news has been upended, and it dumped disaster all over our lives. I continue to marvel at how little doctors truly know. Like Paul, I need to trust in the power of God rather than human wisdom with this good news as I have with all the bad (1 Corinthians 2:5). God’s weakness is stronger than the greatest strength of modern medicine (1 Corinthians 1:25). Whether I dodge this bullet or not, my body still hurtles headlong toward that day God numbered in eternity past (Psalm 39:4). We are all rushing toward the train wreck called mortality. So living with this good news is the same as living with the bad news. I rise up and thank God for the unfailing love He pours on me each day. And I pray to the One who gives me life (Psalm 42:8)

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: The rain of God's grace and mercy

2008-09-02T18:20:00.009-05:00

Dear Friends,

I received the news on January 7 of this year. The two “anomalies” in my lung were cancerous tumors; one small step for cancer; one giant leap toward Tim Eimer’s mortality. A second scan in May revealed the two tumors had doubled in size and three others joined them. This started the medical debate among my doctors. Start radiation treatment in an effort to burn out the cancer in my throat but give the tumors in my lungs months to grow, or start an experimental drug for the lung tumors and run the risk of repeated operations on my throat that could take away my voice and ability to eat. Why not just ask, “Would you like your perishable container (2 Corinthians 4:7) dropped from the deck or merely punted across the dining room?” Pasting on a brave face, I opted to punt and began radiation treatments.

Then I felt the reviving rain of grace and mercy falling from the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16). At first, it was a gentle pattering on my soul.

My radiation treatments began with little pain. Though many patients I met suffered from several narcotics and the need for personal caretakers, I required the minimum amount of pain killers and continued to work out.

God’s grace deepened into a refreshing summer shower (Isaiah 45:8).

In every corridor and waiting room, God opened up hearts to hear of the marvelous things He was doing for me (Psalm 9:1). I shared with many souls, who were growing weary in their bodies (2 Corinthians 5:2) and groaning beneath the suffering of cancer (Romans 8:23), of the everlasting life waiting to swallow up the pain and fragility of these earthly tents (2 Corinthians 5:4) and carry us to a cancer-free home (2 Corinthians 5:6; Revelations 21:4).

Christ’s mercies opened up into a downpour.

For brief moments, my spirit touched the core reality of Death yanking my body ever closer to the grave, and yet the Spirit washed my soul clean each day renewing my hope and joy (2 Corinthians 4:16). I knew my Redeemer would snatch me from Death’s grasp (Psalm 49:15). I could almost see the mysterious forests, hear the laughter from bright cities, and taste the fresh salt air of the bright beaches waiting for us beneath the enduring throne of righteousness (Colossians 3: 1-2; Hebrews 1:18). Like a bit of driftwood disappearing beyond the ocean’s horizon, my momentary troubles shrank before the brilliance of this immeasurable glory stretching out beyond the vast ages (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

Then our Lord’s grace slowed to a gentle mist.

His providence planned ten days of holiday in New England with my family, nine perfect days of sunshine and one morning of rain. Thinking I would enjoy a morning cloistered away in the basement of a bookstore on that rainy morning, God guided a gay, Buddhist acquaintance across my path instead. For two hours, I testified to the power of Christ shining out of my dying body (2 Corinthians 4:11), and I invited him to share the hope of our risen Lord (2 Corinthians 4:14). I pray for God’s grace to rain fresh and clean upon this man that he may be numbered among the host of God’s children drawn to Him by the suffering of others (2 Corinthians 4:15).

Despite God’s obvious hand on my life this summer, I woke up every night in our New England cottage paralyzed by fear. Two days after the end of vacation, I trekked back down to the hospital for a chest scan. Completely anxious about how far the cancer had progressed without any treatment, I fully prepared for the worst. My wife informed me last Friday that the scan revealed absolutely no change in the chest tumors. In shock, all I could say as, “Are you certain they got this right?” I’m not out of the woods yet, but this is the first good news we’ve had in many months.

Thank you for the hundreds of prayers on my behalf, and I encourage you to cling to your God and never stop trusting Him (Hebrews 4:14). Without wavering, grasp onto God’s hope and faithfulness to keep His promises (what other choice do we really have?) and place your hope in the resurrection to a better life (Hebrews 10:23).

God bless,
Tim

Eimer Family: Father's Day 2008

2008-09-02T18:20:00.005-05:00

Several of you have requested a family photo and recently we had a very kind friend (Linda Pascal, who is a photographer--visit her website at
www.peek-a-view.net

approach us and ask to take some family pictures! We are so grateful for her kindness. Here is one of those photos!

Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement!

love to you all!

gayle

Gayle

Conor, Tim

Torin

Rick Warren: life is preparation for eternity

2008-09-02T18:20:00.003-05:00

**Rick Warren (REMEMBER HE WROTE 'PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE')* *
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales.

This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her. It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.

Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease. So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifes tyle one bit. We made no major purchases.Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD. **

On the One Year Anniversary of Jackie's Homegoing:

2008-08-19T19:15:00.004-05:00

On the One Year Anniversary of Jackie’s Homegoing: Should I rejoice over my loss? No, I don’t think so! But is this an incredibly precious opportunity to grow? Definitely!

It will be a year on Saturday August 23rd since Jackie went home to be with the Lord. It has been a difficult and painful year, which has become less and less difficult as He has led me through a healing process. I have begun some new initiatives in my life that I am excited about but I am not sure I am ready to rejoice!

Well, actually, the Word does not say to rejoice over what has happened. Neither God nor I rejoices over the death of one of His saints rather the Word says it is ‘precious in His sight’ (Psalm 116:15). God’s original plan was not for people to die. Death is as a result of the introduction of sin into the world. Therefore, God is not complacent and comfortable with death and is eager for the Day when He wipes it out.

But, as I said, the death of one of His saints is precious in His sight. When one of His children dies He pays special attention and welcomes them directly into His presence and into their new existence free of pain and sin and free to fellowship with Him.

And for those of us that remain, we are to ‘rejoice in our sufferings’. Why? Because, as Roman 3:5-6 says, ‘…because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy spirit, whom He has given us’.

In other words, we are to use our suffering, by God’s grace, as a time of personal growth in which we ultimately experience an abundance of God’s love poured into our hearts.

I have slowly begun to realize, that though I am not happy about my loss and I wish this pain would go away, God desires to develop my character, hope in Him and a heart full of the love of God. This became very clear to me when I took a personal retreat weekend on my birthday a month or so ago. On the retreat it believe I heard God say to me, “At age 64, Fred, I have given you an incredible opportunity to grow and change”. While I could not have heard or accepted that message last fall I am seeing now, that among the many things that God is weaving into His tapestry through Jackie’s homegoing, there is for me an incredibly, powerful impetus to grow and become all that I can be before I too go home.

I must take full advantage of the pain, the tears, the crying out to the Lord, the softening of my heart and the desperate need I have for Him. And indeed, Lord, that’s what I intend to do by cooperating with you and not fighting against you. - Fred

Tim Eimer: I give thanks to God every time I think of you

2008-08-19T19:15:00.000-05:00

Dear friends,

Last Thursday, my eight-year-old son bested me in a pull-up competition 7-5. As I marveled at the achievements of Olympic athletes’ last week, I grew weaker, and my weakness shoved me into the pit of self-pity. With weariness, I peered back at my medical and spiritual struggles this past year, and Satan roared in my ears and raised his lethal claw to slash away my memories of God’s special grace in my life (1 Peter 5:8).

I get the most vivid images while lying on that table with the mask over my face. Last week, while praying during a treatment, I saw great white wings covering the roof of my home. Fiery arrows rained down on the wings, but they hissed harmlessly into ashes, and my family remained safely sheltered from attacks of the evil one. In my dis-couragement, God gave me this picture of His grace of which all of you are a major part.

I have shared decades of friendship with some of you while many of you I have yet to meet, but God’s sacrificial love has been demonstrated in all its fullness through you (1 John 4:12). You have shared my family’s troubles and burdens (Galatians 6:2), and like a sweet perfume, the fragrance of your kindness and goodness permeates our home (Ephesians 5:2). You have displayed your love for my family and me by sending cards, books, and music (1 John 3:18).

Thank you for the dozens of birthday wishes. Thank you for an inbox bursting with encouraging words. Thank you for thousands of prayers launched to the throne of grace on our behalf. Each prayer is an additional feather in those protective wings extinguishing Satan’s arrows of despair (Psalm 63:7).

I am fighting some fatigue from the radiation and dullness of thought from the medicine, but I am pain free, something my doctor assured me would not happen when I told him I never even popped a Tylenol after both surgeries on my throat last year. Right now, I take the minimum dosage of nerve medication, require no narcotics, and continue to workout and drive myself to the hospital. My doctor advises a three week recuperation period, but I am confident I will start the first day of school ten days after my treatments end. I tell all my doctors and nurses of the multitude of prayers raised on my behalf when they marvel at my absence of pain during each medical trial, but most shrug it off. I’ll keep telling them.

Like Paul, I give thanks to God every time I think of you, and I think of you and pray for you often (Philippians 1: 3-4). You pour comfort and joy into my spirit, and I pray for God’s sweet fruit of salvation in your life (Philippians 1: 11). Thank you for shining so brightly in my life (Philippians 2: 15). I am awe struck at the powerful bonds of love and hope in Christ tying us together across the virtual distances of cyberspace, and I am humbled by your countless acts of love and mercy.

Thank you.

God bless,

Tim
Tim Eimer 54
Brookside Court
Horsham, PA 19044

Tim Eimer: Question- Why me? and God's response.

2008-08-10T23:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,

After three years of cancer, I finally popped the question, or rather the question popped out of me. While strapped inside of the mask, I asked God, very tentatively mind you, “Why me?” I blame a woman at the pool for my misstep. (I must shift the blame to somebody.) There she sits day after day with skin shriveled and prune-like from decades of excess sun, puffing down a pack or two of cancer sticks, munching on Velveeta smothered nachos, and never rising from her seat until its time to leave. Adding her insult to my injury, she must be 110 years old. And I have cancer? Lord surely there has been some kind of mistake. For three decades I’ve worked out 5-10 hours a week. Why me? My diet is 80% whole grains, fresh fruits and veggies. Why me? I’ve never smoked or taken drugs; and I always slather myself with sunscreen, and I take my vitamins. Lord, Oh Lord, why me?

As you can well imagine, this simple question opened the latch and released the floodgates of hidden sin within me. A rising tide of polluted detritus trapped in the pit of my soul gushed out into plain view. Mucking through the mud deep down in my spirit, I saw the ugly truths once hidden by this dirty reservoir. I whisper them to my God. Lord, I do not fully trust you. I really don’t have faith that all the promises you give in the Scriptures actually belong to me. I do not believe, deep down in the core of my soul, that your love for me is truly too deep for me to fathom and will last for an eternity. This plan you have revealed, this path you have set me on, is flawed; I’m heading in the wrong direction, away from my good health, away from my family, away from my little boys. This radiation makes me weaker everyday, and I’m really too young to die. God you need to give me back my control. I need my cancer-free life back!

I don’t know about you, but once I start spewing out blasphemies; it’s hard for me to stop. But like He did with Job, God answered my accusations. Fortunately for me, He was far kinder with me than He was with Job. He brought a sermon on Mark chapter four to my attention. Though a fierce storm battered the disciple’s boat and threatened to swamp them, Jesus slept at peace in the boat. He is in the boat with me during this storm, and He is at peace. In the storm, He grants me peace of mind and heart, an incomprehensible peace not understood by the world. “So,” He says “don’t be troubled or afraid” (John 14:27).

But there is more God has to say to me. Have you not comforted others because you have cancer, Jesus asks me? Then praise your Father. He is the source of all comfort. He pours His comfort over you so that you can extend comfort to others. Your small troubles bring you great benefit and the very salvation of your soul. (2 Corinthians 1: 3-7)

God is still not finished with His response. Have none of those children’s Bible stories you read to your sons each night penetrated your thick skull? “Be still, child, and know that I am God. Wait patiently on me” (Psalm 37:7). Do you have a firmer expectation of your salvation? Has your character been strengthened? Have you learned to endure? Then know that this trial has been good for you (Romans 5: 3-5).

God reminds me of my earthly wealth. Remember, a few years back, all the corrosion and grime smeared on the surface of your faith? Do you recall your misplaced focus, hidden sins and lackluster spiritual relationship with me? The cancer has scrubbed and scrapped and polished your faith to reveal the refined gold beneath. Your faith becomes stronger and more beautiful everyday. Everyone is talking about it even though you cannot see it through the eyes of your present suffering, but this tested faith will bring you glory and honor and praise on the day I reveal my son (1 Peter 1:3-9). Consider it all joy.

And have you so easily forgotten glory, my son? All the good I have brought into your life is but a taste of your future in glory. Awaiting you are the joys of heaven (Colossians 1:5), the Wedding feast of the Lamb (Revelation 19:9), endless spiritual blessings (Ephesians 1:3), an inheritance beyond price both rich and glorious (1 Peter 1:4, Ephesians 1:18), a heavenly home (John 14:1), the great prize of Christ (Philippians 3: 14), a priceless treasure (2 Corinthians 4: 7), a resurrected body (1 Corinthians 15: 5), and a new country of which you are a chosen citizen (Philippians 1:27).

So, friends, before you ask the question, “why me?” prepare yourself for your Father’s answer.
Stars are always above us; they are there in every bright blue sky, but it is only against the black background of a dark night that they shine with such brilliance. Shining stars are not often visible in daylight; God’s glory is not clearly apparent during the good times of a Christian’s life. In our suffering, God’s glory shines with brilliance through us against the black backdrop of our trials.

God bless,
Tim

Tim Eimer: I need a vision of the living One... He is the cure we all need.

2008-08-03T20:33:00.003-05:00

Dear friends,

In our new hospital building, we sit in a room resembling a lobby at the Hilton more than an oncology waiting room, but the same patients greet me everyday with empty stares and hopeless grimaces pasted on their faces. The man with the face deformed by surgery avoids my gaze and rasps mono-syllabic responses to nurses from a voice box strapped round his neck. I greet Tony, who has esophagus cancer, and his wife Lois, who just discovered she has breast cancer. I pray for the two-year-old girl with the chemo ravaged body, baldhead and stick-thin form swaddled in blankets and dwarfed inside her wheel chair. She never cries nor laughs.

I’m half way through my treatments and feel better than I should, but these faces haunt me. I’ve witnessed the horrors of the curse before on missionary trips to Haiti and endless hospital visits to my dying father, but now I’m one of them. The view from the near side of illness is far grimmer.

Nightly, I plead for a taste of God’s glory, a glimpse of the visible image of our invisible God (Colossians 1:15). I guess I need an image of power right now because this disease overpowers so many.

I need a vision of the living One who died, the first and the last, the One who firmly grasps the keys of death and the grave (Revelation 1:17). In His grace, God leads me to Scriptures describing our risen Lord.

In my mind’s eye, I see the Lion of Judah, Ruler of all creation, the One in control of all cancer (Revelation 3:14; 5:5). He is beautiful to behold, handsome beyond description, bursting with majestic glory (Psalm 45:3). His hair glistens like new snow and flows thick and lustrous over His massive shoulders. The arms and feet of our King glow like hot bronze fresh from the forge, and His face shines with the brilliance of the desert sun. Fiery eyes fix their gaze on me while still seeing all things (Revelation 1:14). A rich robe, impossibly white and pure, drapes over His powerful, risen form; priceless blood stains the fringe of the robe, and a name of mystery is written on it (Revelation 19:12). The One named Holy and Faithful and True (Revelation 3:7) rides a magnificent stallion (Revelation 19:11), and with a voice resonating with the Ocean’s power and ringing clear and sweet like silver trumpets (Revelation 4:1), our King shouts to a glorious host of angels and awesome creatures of might and good, who storm across the skies behind Him (Revelation 19:14). The King of kings rides out to victory (Psalm 45:4).

The victory of our powerful Redeemer is the beautiful thought I cling to in that waiting room (Psalm 45:1). He is the cure we all need. In His victory, Jesus drenches us with fresh springs of gracious words (Psalm 45:2) in the desert silence of that wretched room. Our King rides out to defend truth and humility (Psalm 45:4); there are none more weak and humble than oncology patients. The great Healer loves good and hates evil (Psalm 45:7); He must despise cancer. His victory will sweep away the curse (Revelation 22:3); the curse torments us daily. The Lord of lords works awe-inspiring miracles (Psalm 45:4); miracles are greatly needed in my waiting room.

Long before I reach the hospital each morning, I start praying for my waiting room kin, my fellow prisoners of cancer, a people with diminishing hope. I pray for the overreaching victory of the Lamb in their lives. I pray they discover God’s peace offered by the Lamb’s blood (Colossians 1:20). I pray they follow the Shepherd Lamb to the waters of life where all tears and hopeless stares and crippled bodies will be washed away (Revelation 1:7).

I encourage you, my friends, to cherish the vision of our risen Savior. Let His image fill your minds and shed His perfect light on our pitiful, gray world. Allow His visage to compel you to pray for and reach out to the weak and broken people around you that they may share His priceless glory on the surprising day it is revealed (2 Peter 3: 12-13).

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: DISCOURAGEMENT - when even PART of my hope is placed in the temporal. ENCOURAGEMENT - when ALL my hope rests in Him.

2008-07-27T13:03:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,

In the Christmas classic, It’s a Wonderful Life, George Bailey’s guardian angel asks, “What‘s the matter with him, is he sick?” Gabriel answers, “Worse, he’s discouraged.” I grew up thinking that was a ridiculous line. Discouragement? Nothing serious; just shake it off. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I battled serious discouragement in the past two weeks. The physical effects of the radiation treatments have just started to kick in, but I’m a spiritual train wreck. Discouragement literally means “a lack of courage or confidence,” and it pops into my daily routine as a vague sense of futility walking hand in hand with my sorrow. Unlike despair, my discouragement does not knock me out, but like these daily reatments, it pummels me with body hits to weaken my spirit. It whispers lies to me.

“Your best days are gone forever; nothing you do has meaning; you’re chasing the wind” (Ecclesiastes 2:17). I feel God moving away from me, and I ask, Why are you leaving me? Why are you so far away? Why aren’t you helping me? (Psalm 22:1,11) I’m calling on your name everyday and
nothing happens (Psalm 22:2). Don’t hide from, Lord, or leave me alone (Psalm 27:9).

Hopelessness creeps into my soul and sows a foul crop of “what ifs” in the fertile soil of my thoughts. What if the radiation fails? What if the cancer in my lungs spreads? What if I can’t work and lose my insurance? What if Gayle is widowed? What if my children are fatherless? Misery drains my strength (Psalm 31:10), and I want to quit.

I decide to scour the psalms for answers, to claim God’s promise in Psalm 9:10, “If I search for Him, he will not abandon me.” I realize it all begins with praise. Like a child, I return to the most elementary of lessons. If I know God’s name, I will trust in Him (Psalm 9:10). While commuting to the hospital, while wearing that suffocating mask, while watching those hopeless eyes being wheeled in and out of the waiting room, while wiping back tears at the sight of bald children, I praise God.

I praise God’s omnipotence.
His power is beyond human imagination.
He created the vast heavens and precious earth (Nehemiah 9:6).
He created me (Psalm 139:13).
He owns me and all of creation (Psalm 50:12).
Each breathe I take is a gift from the Lord (Isaiah 42:5), and the breath of every human is in his hands (Job 12:10).
Only El Shaddai’s great power can rescue and shield me (Psalm 33:20). Armies and great strength failed ancient kings and warriors (Psalm 33:16); in the end, modern medicine will not save me.
But despite my great need, the omnipotent Creator cares about my distress (Psalm 31:7), and at this moment,
He is thinking about helping me (Psalm 40:17).

I praise God’s omnipresence.
As surely as He sees everyone on the planet (Psalm 33:13-14),
He watches me as I sleep in safety (Psalm 3:5), and
He walks with me in every hospital room (Psalm 139: 7-12).
When technicians strap that mask across my face and flee the room, El Olam, the God of eternity, stands by my side (Psalm 16:8).
He stood by my mother at my birth and ordained every moment in my life (Psalm 139:16).
God stands with me in my past watching my birth into sin (Psalm 51:5) and washing me clean from evil and guilt (Psalm 31:2).
Jehovah stands with me in my future carrying me forever in His endless arms (Psalm 28:9) and sweeping away all my sorrow and pain (Revelation 21:4).

I praise God for His faithfulness and unending love.
His promises to me are as pure as silver (Psalm 12:8).
He will answer my prayers (Psalm 17:6).
He will restore my health in this world or the next (Psalm 30:2).

God’s goodness is great, and He has unimaginable blessings stored up for me (Psalm 31:19).
His unfailing love for me and my family stretches far beyond the heavens (Psalm 36:5), and He will be my guide until my dying day (Psalm 48:14).
If I live, He will care for us; if I die, He will care for them.

My praise for God unearthed the deep roots of my discouragement.
My soul sees what my mind cannot. Like a precarious financial portfolio, my hope is scattered among permanent and temporary investments; some are secure; many are high risk. Praise puts me in touch with the invisible but permanent qualities of God in my life (Romans 1:20). Much of my hope and trust is in the eternal but not all. My greatest hope is in God, but I also trust in doctors and treatments, fitness and healthy lifestyle, life insurance and equity.

My soul realizes the futility of hoping in the temporary. My courage fails me when I hope in the things I will lose- earthly health, money, job, achievements, and homes. Hope in the temporary swings open the door of my spirit and discouragement marches in. What I can see will one day vanish; the invisible lasts forever. The psalmists use solid metaphors to impress upon us the permanence of the eternal. God is our rock, our fortress, our shield (Psalm 18: 1-3).

Only the Lord is my inheritance and cup of blessing (Psalm 16:5). All my hope must rest in Him (Psalm 39:7). His unfailing love will envelop me because He is my only hope Psalm 33:22). My Redeemer must be my sole refuge, my only desire (Psalm 142:5). All day long, I will place my hope in Him (Psalm 25:5), and He will chart His perfect plan for my life (Psalm 138:8).

As I praise Him for His attributes and thank Him for the infinite goodness He has poured over me, I realize that though my body and soul are withering away (Psalm 31:9), He guides me along the best path for my life (Psalm 32:8). He is worthy of my complete and blind trust (Psalm 33:4).

Dear friends, if we take courage or contentment in the things of this world, discouragement and discontent lie in wait. Let us lift our vision and gaze on the realities of heaven where our real lives are hidden (Colossians 3:1-4), and God’s peace will fill us here on earth replacing the vaporous peace offered by this world (John 14: 27).

God bless,
Tim

Tim Eimer: Noble princes, brilliant daughters of the Almighty

2008-07-14T12:30:00.002-05:00

Dear friends,

I have been an athlete my entire life. At age five, I swam competitively and played Little League baseball, and I played basketball and swam six miles last week. Physical activity has always been part of my daily routine. Old athletes have a unique perspective on mortality. Over the years, we measure the decay and death of our bodies in lost speed, weakened muscles and sore joints. Personally, I’m growing weary in this aging body of mine (2 Corinthians 5:2). My throbbing hip screams at me to sit down even days after running up and down the court, and a year of surgeries and treatments have siphoned strength from my muscles. My dying body causes me to groan (2 Corinthians 5:4) as cancer chews through my lungs, and I shudder at the number of times this fragile tent has been cut and jabbed and probed during the past three years. Deep down in my core, I feel the death and decay of my earthly body (1 Corinthians 15:41) and the certain pull of the earth dragging me back to the dust from which I was formed (Genesis 3:19). Now, as part of the great irony of modern medicine, doctors are going to weaken my body again in an effort to save it.

My radiation treatments start Monday. If I were not a Christian, I would desire all this to end now. Daily, this earthly body disappoints me (1 Corinthians 15:43). I am frustrated at the many times I must turn my gaze to avoid lusting, how quickly my tongue spits out a lie, the swiftness with which my mind crafts a criticism, and the constant desire of my hand to snatch what isn’t mine.

I know many of you are weary of sin and the slow decay of these earthly bodies as well, and you long to cloth yourselves in your heavenly bodies (2 Corinthians 5:2). Well be encouraged, brothers and sisters, for soon the same God who spoke the fiery stars and quiet forests and soaring hawks into existence will craft new bodies for us with his own hands (2 Corinthians 5:1). We will experience our great hope, the resurrection of our earthly bodies into eternal life (1 Corinthians 15:42). The priceless treasure of God’s power and light will explode out of these clay vessels (2 Corinthians 4:7), and these frail tents will be swallowed up in everlasting life and replaced with glorious temples dedicated to the Most High God (2 Corinthians 5:4). Our stream-lined bodies will pulse with power (1 Corinthians 15:43).

With His own hands, our Creator will sculpt our muscles into the form of olympic sprinters possessing the agility of the great cats and the endurance of the wolf running through the night with his pack. Our new bodies will sparkle with beauty, both within and without, (1 Corinthians 15:40) and shine with radiant glory (1 Corinthians 15:43). We will be transformed into heavenly beings fashioned in the very likeness of Jesus Himself (1Corinthians 15:49). On that day, we will be at home with the Lord where we will always please Him (2 Corinthians 5: 8-9).

I can see us all there in God’s great city, one race, one people of God, one great host of warrior-poets, artist-athletes, noble princes, brilliant daughters of the Almighty. Each of us is more beautiful, more treasured and more empowered than the next. The curse with its pain and
sorrow and death is gone (Revelations 21:4). We marvel at our physical abilities and admire each other’s beauty without lust or envy. I can see us there with the boundless energy of children and honed bodies of decathletes scaling the cliffs of God’s great mountain, sprinting along His golden shores and dancing before our nightly feasts with the King.

As I write this letter, I see us all there, one great nation of people bursting with strength and vigor. We are youthful and wise, joyful and filled with power. So be encouraged, friends, for the day is not long in coming for any of us, and on that day, our glory will vastly outweigh all our present troubles and our resurrected bodies will last forever (2 Corinthians 4: 18-19).

God bless,

Tim
PS: For those of you who have asked about my past chapel talks at my school, you will find the spring 2008 chapel at www.Phil-Mont.com on the home page in red letters. The spring 2007 talk is under the “student life” and “special events” tabs. It is the second bullet. You can listen
to both talks.

Also, my mailing address is (for those who have asked) is:
Tim Eimer
54 Brookside Court
Horsham, PA 19044

Tim Eimer (fr. Mon. 7/7/08): Hypocrisy and Vacations: only He creates a spring of refreshment in the desert wilderness of my life.

2008-07-08T13:24:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,

Yet another thing I hate is when my hypocrisy is revealed. I write these beautiful letters about anticipating heaven and being fervent in prayer and trusting in God, and then a small thing knocks me off my feet and I grumble, “Why me?”

We were all set to start my treatments today, and we had hoped to sneak a vacation in before school started, but the hospital called Saturday to tell us the radiation treatment has been postponed to an unspecified date. Again plans must change; the possibility of a vacation shrinks, and I may miss the start of school. I moped around all weekend discouraged and disheartened. I wanted to stop writing letters, stop preaching, and stop everything God would call me to do and hole up in my house nursing my self pity. My preaching on Sunday was flat, and I could not delight in the gift of the day God had given me. And why? I may miss my vacation this year.

My family has always relied on our vacations to be refreshed and renewed, but John's warning at the end of his first letter has nagged me all summer, “Dear children, keep yourselves from idols.” (1 John 5:21) “Your vacations cannot replace my rest for you,” my Father whispers gently. (Hebrews 4: 9-10)

My wife reminded me that only He creates a spring of refreshment in the desert wilderness of my life. (Isaiah 43:20) Today, God is insistent and asks, “Look Tim, when will you realize that my grace is sufficient for you?” (2 Corinthians 12:9) When will you let me lead you to My rest in green meadows and beside peaceful streams? (Psalm 23:2) When will you admit that only I can renew your strength?” (Psalm 23:3)

I apologize to all of you for my hypocrisy. I feel like I have deceived you, and I echo Paul’s words in Romans 7:15 (NLT), “I really don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate.” So again, I’m sorry.
Thank God, Jesus Christ is the answer to free me from this life dominated by sin. (Romans 7:24-25) I’m looking forward to the day when the sins (especially my sins) of this world are gone forever. (Revelation 21:4)

Hopefully, we will know the new start date soon.

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer (fr. Sat. 7/5/08): Prayer is not about me

2008-07-08T13:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

The worst moment of my life happen several months ago. I was living in isolation at my mother’s house while receiving a radioactive iodine treatment that prevented me from being with my family for a week. Just days before, my doctor had informed me the cancer had spread to my lungs.

In the solitude of my mother’s home, I felt embroiled in a spiritual battle. Despair, sorrow and perhaps Satan himself hammered at my thoughts and spirit all week long. I rose one morning with a deep ache in my heart. Soon, a deep sadness flooded my soul, and the despair threatened to drown my spirit. Curled up on my bed, I uttered the words of Jesus in Gethsemane the night before the cross, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.” (Matthew 26:38) I actually feared my sorrow would kill me. All I could do was to beg God to help me, to save me.

Then my wife, Gayle, called. For several minutes she waited for me to speak, but all the words had dried up in my mouth. So she prayed. She prayed a long prayer, and as she prayed, God's warm peace settled over my body and spirit. In minutes, the deep sadness drained from my soul as if a plug had been pulled in its depths, and I relaxed in a powerful, secure rest knowing that the everlasting arms of God were beneath me. (Deuteronomy 33:27) After she finished, I said goodbye and drifted to sleep with the strongest impression, almost a vision, of great white wings covering me in my bed. I dreamed of heaven. I raced up bright shining streets, delighted in the spray of sparkling fountains and soared high over our great eternal city. Hours later, I woke without fear, and the moment I woke, a good friend called to offer me more comfort and prayer.

I know this story shouts out “Hallmark movie cliché!” but it was the greatest experience of prayer in my life. Before my illness, I slogged through my prayer time guiltily thinking it was a waste of time. God knows what I need, I thought; why do I need to ask Him for anything? My illness has revealed that prayer is not about the asking. It is about inviting Almighty God to come and fellowship with me. During prayer, I become aware of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me granting full assurance of the truth behind my salvation. (1 Thessalonians 1:5)

Prayer refocuses my sight on the realities of heaven where Christ sits at God’s right hand in the place of honor and power. (Colossians 3:1) It provides a guarantee that I am purchased as a son of God and will receive everything the Father has promised. (Ephesians 1:14) Prayer imparts the gift of perfect peace in my heart and mind (John 14:27), controls my mind to bring me life and peace (Romans 8:6), and relieves me of all anxiety. (Philippians 4:6) Prayer assures me of my future immortal life beyond this frail earthly tent. (Romans 8:11)

My friends, after years of stubbornness, I finally understand, deep in my soul, that prayer is not about what God can do for me but what He will do through me. It’s not about me (who would have believed it?); it’s about Him. Despite this revelation, the inadequacies of my prayer life still shock me. The Apostle Paul’s faithfulness in prayer amazes me and is a great example for me. He always prayed for the church at Philippi (Philippians 1:4), brought the needs of the Roman church before God day and night (Romans 1:9), never stopped praying for the Ephesians (Ephesians 1:16), continued praying for the church at Colossae from the time he first heard about them (Colossians 1:9), thanked God and constantly prayed for the believers in Thessalonica (1 Thessalonians 1:2; 2 Thessalonians 2:3), and faithfully prayed for Philemon (Philemon 4) and Timothy (2 Timothy 1:3-4).

Every night, I pray with my boys that they become strong men of God, and I do pray for myself a lot, but I fail to pray for my school, my church, my Christian friends, and my lost friends each day. Practically speaking, I need three or four hours of prayer each day to be spiritually healthy, but I rarely hit that mark.

In Asia, Paul was crushed, completely overwhelmed, and expecting death, but he learned to rely on God, who can raise the dead and deliver him from mortal danger, instead of himself. God rescued him, in part, because the Christians in Corinth prayed for his safety (1 Corinthians 1:8-11).

As my radiation treatment starts Monday (July 7), I selfishly ask for your prayers. Because of prayer, I passed through two surgeries without popping a single pain reliever, and

- I ask you to pray for the same hedge of protection now.
- I ask you to pray for God to draw people into my sphere influence as I sit in that waiting room everyday for thirty straight “work” days.
- I ask you to pray that I use my waiting time wisely in prayer and writing and sermon preparation and not in fear and anxiety.
- I ask you to pray that the Spirit continue its transforming work in my soul.
- Most of all, I ask you to pray for God’s light to shine through me in that place of dread and sorrow. There are now hundreds of you who read these letters, and so there are thousands, perhaps tens of thousands, of potential prayers that could rise up to our Savior as a sweet perfume asking Him to show His power in a place where hope is so often dim or extinguished all together.

This will be my prayer in the coming weeks.

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: Made for a different world. Choosing to set my heart and mind on heavenly things.

2008-07-01T15:33:00.003-05:00

Dear friends,

It happened to me for the first time in Belize. Before having children,Gayle and I went to the Caribbean yearly to snorkel and scuba dive off coral reefs. We traveled to Central America for our fifteenth weddingAnniversary and stayed in a remote beach resort. Belize’s barrier reef sat a mile off the beach, and early one morning, I kayaked to the reef and swam another mile through a maze of coral paths. Far from another living soul, I discovered a forest of Elkhorn coral. Rows of this magnificent coral rose a dozen feet from the ocean bottom and branched out like thick tree limbs. Bright shafts of sunlight streamed down on the coral lighting up the forest until it glowed like hot gold in the deep blue water. Brightly colored fish danced among the coral like splashes of paint on an azure canvas. Gliding through the pristine giants, I knew few people had ever seen them, and I remember thinking, “This is one of those moments outdoor people savor for a lifetime, but for some reason, there is something wrong here. Despite the spectacular scenery, this place is still impoverished.”

Oddly, this happened a month before my cancer diagnosis, and in the past three years, I’ve experienced the words of the old hymn- “…and the things of this earth will grow strangely dim.” As a science teacher, I see the illness of the land and ecosystems around me and how they groan beneath the curse of human sin (Romans 8:21-22), but even pristine places lack the vibrant colors, diversity of life and deep mystery that I sense should be there. CS Lewis summed it up best. “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.”

Providentially, I am preparing to preach two sermons on heaven this summer, and as my radiation treatment approaches in a week, I choose to set my heart and mind on heavenly things instead of earthly things (Colossians 3:1-2). God has used this cancer to pluck my thoughts from the mire of this world and remind me of the brevity of life. In eternity past, the Lord numbered my days, and my entire life is passing like an exhaled breath (Psalm 39:4-5). Despite the small trials testing my faith, wonderful joy awaits me just a few heartbeats in the future (1 Peter 1:6-7).

Many of you have confided to me your present troubles and sufferings, and the great pain and sorrow you shoulder each day shocks me. I stand helpless in the face of your trials (and my own), but I can give you the great wealth and comfort of God’s promises. Your present troubles are small and will last but a brief moment in time, but even now they are creating a glory for you that vastly outweighs them and will be yours forever. Don’t look at your troubles, my friends, for they will soon be gone. Fix your gaze on the invisible wonders of Christ and His glory. (2 Corinthians 4:18-19)

As for me, I fix my gaze on heaven as I wait. Near my school, I run in a beautiful, wooded valley laced with trails winding their way along clear streams and through thick trees. Even this precious place has grown dim for me, a mere shadow of its heavenly counterpart, but at night, I daydream about heaven like a boy dreaming about playing professional baseball. I imagine running with a body now swift and strong. Golden hair streams behind me and my muscles explode with power. Sometimes I run alone; at other times I’m with many of you, and we shine with radiant beauty for we are now part of Christ's glory. (John 17:1) We sprint between trees as thick as houses with roots that plunge down into the very spine of the mountains. Fearless, we plunge into clear, green pools teeming with fish of every kind, and we dive down deep to explore the mysteries hidden in the depths. We run the trails again in perfect harmony knowing that nothing can hurt us or separate us from the joy of being together. Narnain creatures greet us from the trees, and we shout in reply. In tree houses created by craftsmen more talented than the Renaissance geniuses, we pause to drink wine from God’s very own vineyard and toast our allegiance to our Lord and King. Laughter streams from our lips in celebration of a fellowship so deep and intimate that we cannot imagine how we survived on such impoverished friendships back on the old earth. We race on, gathering others as we go, toward the great capitol city of our heavenly country for tonight the King has prepared a banquet for His citizens.

These are the invisible things prepared for us, brothers and sisters, though my poor writing craft can only conjure up a glimpse of the unimaginable joys in our future. (1 Corinthians 2:9) I encourage you to set your sights on the invisible wonders our Lord has created (Colossians 1:16) for it is only when we fix our thoughts on the glory of the next world that we can become truly effective in this one.

God bless,

Tim
PS: A few of you have inquired about my preaching dates. I am preaching July 6 and July 13 at Hope Community Church in Willow Grove, PA. The service starts at 10:00am.

Tim Eimer: clothe yourselves with your new nature while we await that day

2008-06-23T13:25:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

I hate hospitals. I’m writing this letter from the Radiation/Oncology department of the University of Pennsylvania hospital. Human frailty is on display here everyday, but I hate it here because when I see these people and consider my illness, I know I am but an exhaled breath on this planet (Psalm 39:5), and God has placed eternity in my heart (Ecclesiastes 3:11). I don’t want to die in this place.

Crouched over my journal and Bible in a crowded waiting room, God leads me away from my familiar Scripture passages into the prophecies of Isaiah. I discover Isaiah 26, a song of praise. In the first verse, God reminds me of the walls of my salvation surrounding me. I remember now; the Lord is my light and my salvation. Why am I afraid? He protects me from danger. (Psalm 27:1) Cancer cannot destroy me. It’s amazing how difficult it is for me to remember these truths.

A nurse hands me a consent form. It contains a very long list of veryBad things that this radiation will or could do to me. I keep reading Isaiah. God will keep me in perfect peace if I trust Him, if I fix my thoughts upon him. (Isaiah 26:3). Be anxious about nothing, my Father tells me. So I empty my concerns and fears into his cupped hands. (Philippians 4:7). I sign the consent form, and it dawns on me, yet again, like it was some great mystery that I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid to live with the suffering, with the uncertainty, with the hospital as my vacation home. I move on to Isaiah 26, verse 4. I will trust in God because He is the eternal rock. Because He will not be moved throughout my ordeal, neither will I be moved. I trust in God so I will also trust in Christ. And I will not be troubled. (John 14:1) Just as He has done these past three years, God will smooth out the road before me. (Isaiah 26:7) I know I will see His goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Courage is mine in this place of disease and frailty, and I will wait patiently for my God. (Psalm 27:13-14).

OK, Lord. I think I’m centered again. I do love to obey your laws. My true heart’s desire is to glorify your name despite this disease and the doubts and the sweet smiles of my boys who still know nothing of the danger I am in (Isaiah 26: 8). May my every word and action give you glory, Jesus(Colossians 3:17).

The nurses lead me into a CAT scan room and have me lie down. They must mold a mask to use during my treatments. Without warning, they stretch what feels like a wet fish net across my face and clamp it down tight. I can’t open my eyes. I can’t speak. At the moment, I’m just glad I can breathe. I wonder how claustrophics do this, and I try to remember this is medicine and not torture. The nurses tell me not to move before leaving me alone for forty minutes. Darkness, black and without hope, wells up in my spirit, and I forget everything I just read in the waiting room - everything but verse 9. “All night long I search for You; earnestly I seek for God.” I lay still in my forty minute night and pray earnestly. I wait patiently on my God, and He gives me courage. (Psalm 27:14) What am I allowing them to do to me? I search for the Lord in my distress (Isaiah 26:16). I beg the Spirit to seize control of my thoughts and fears. He brings me peace, and I rest (Romans 8:6).

It’s done. Somewhat anticlimactically, a nurse hands me an appointment card. I start my treatments on July 7. Most of our vacation time must be canceled, and I will be sick for the time we will have. For some reason, this discourages me more than anything else.

Then suddenly, God opens up the wound of my greatest sin. It bubbles up out of the mire of my old nature like a rotting carcass. I continue to look to the things of this world (my vacations, my family, my work) for contentment and comfort. I am greedy for the good things of this life, and God condemns my greed as idolatry Colossians 3:6. My sight is not fixed on the last verse of Isaiah 26. I belong to God, but my contentment does not rest squarely on the assurance that one day God will raise my body, and I will sing for joy as His eternal light falls on me like fresh dew (Isaiah 26:19) Paul encourages us to look forward to the day when an archangel shouts, and we will be gathered into the clouds to meet our Lord (1 Thessalonians 4:17) Jesus Himself will clothe us in our resurrected bodies brilliant with beauty and filled to the bursting with power and strength and everlasting life. (2 Corinthians 5: 3-4).

I encourage you, my brothers and sisters, to clothe yourselves with your new nature while we await that day (Colossians 3:10) and dress yourselves each morning with mercy, kindness, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love and harmonious peace with each other (Colossians 3: 12-15). Our wardrobe for these garments is the words of Christ. Let us wrap our minds and hearts in the Scriptures each day, and Christ's words will dwell in us richly. We will not walk naked and exposed through this life as most do, but we will be dressed in the brilliant, protective robes of peace and hope and wisdom. (Colossians 3:16).

God bless,

Tim

Tim Eimer: embrace the promises of your heavenly Father this Father's Day

2008-06-16T17:06:00.003-05:00

Dear Friends,
I can’t say I’m a big fan of Father’s Day. My dad died of leukemia on December 5, 2004, and six months later, my cancer was discovered. Being without a dad and knowing my sons may soon be fatherless has left me somewhat cold toward the holiday.

This past week, I found my youngest son, Torin, bawling at the bottom of the stairs because, of all reasons, his brother’s train was faster than his. At once my mind sputtered to life like some obsolete computer, and I began crafting the words to yet another lesson about dealing with life’s disappointments or some other parental sentiment. But then my thoughts slogged to a stop. I was just too tired. So I descended the stairs, gathered Torin into my lap and held him without saying a word. Sitting there staring out the window with my son in my lap, a thunderbolt of realization struck me. Call me dense, but I never thought of Father’s Day in the context of my heavenly Father.

Last Thursday, I sat in the office of my radiologist. I was anxious and fearful because, of all reasons, death might be around the corner. Unlike my five year old, I didn’t cry, but I prayed very hard throughout the consultation. My conversation with my Father went something like this.

Father, my vision of the future is short sighted. Fear and worry cause me to doubt you.
Child, before I laid the first cornerstone of the earth’s foundation, I loved you. Though you were my enemy, my plan has always been to adopt you and call you my son. (Ephesians 1:4-5).
Father, this radiation treatment is everyday for six weeks. It’s going to be a lot of time, a lot of pain.
Push your roots deeper into the rich soil of my marvelous love, son. You cannot know how wide and long and high and deep my love is for you. (Ephesians 3:17-18)
Father, the treatments could paralyze me; they could give me more cancer later.
Son, my faithful love for you endures forever. I am working out my plan for your life. (Psalm 138:8)
Father, the treatment may not work.
At my Firstborn's request, I will keep you and care for you. (John 17:11)
Father, the cancer is still in my lungs. Experimental drugs, more pain, more uncertainty, more fear.
Son, strangers now love you, people you’ve never met shed tears for you. How much more do I love you? I sacrificed my First Son for you. I sent my Spirit to live in you. My love for you is defined by Me for I am love. (1 John 4:7-10)
Father, will you take this disease from me?
My Firstborn Son was sorrowful unto death when he asked me to remove My cup of suffering from Him. I sent Him an angel, but I still sent him to the cross. (Luke 22:42-44)
Father, I am afraid.
Be strong, son, and don’t be afraid. I am going ahead of you to make certain you don’t fall. I cannot forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
I am so tired Heavenly Father.
Wait on me, son, and your strength will be renewed. You will fly like the eagles and run without growing weary (Isaiah 40:31)
Father, everyone thinks I’m so strong, but you know my weakness. My faith constantly falters.
I am the eternal God, son. I am your refuge. There is no one like Me. I will ride across the heavens to help you. My everlasting arms are beneath you. I am holding you just as you held Torin. (Deuteronomy 33:26-27)

After a few minutes on the stairs, Torin realized there was nothing to cry about, and he trotted back upstairs to his trains. I wish it were as easy for me to trot back carefree to my daily activities, to remember that death has been swallowed in victory and can no longer sting me. (1 Corinthians 15:55) It’s not easy for me, but I’m getting there.

I encourage all of you, my dear brothers and sisters, to embrace the promises of your heavenly Father this Father’s Day.
God bless,
Tim

Tim Eimer:Joy and Sorrow

2008-06-08T08:28:00.001-05:00

Dear friends,
The topic of joy came up in my class a few weeks ago, and one student commented, "But Christians don't have joy." As many of you know, fourteen year olds are not easily deceived, and good teaching is built upon uncompromising honesty so I replied, "You're right. There is not
much joy among the Christians I know." My student's comment has stuck with me like a fish hook snagged in my thoughts.

Summer definitely arrived this weekend, and while I was thinking back on my lifetime of pleasant summers, I realized they were filled with happiness but not necessarily joy, that deep sense of contentment, desire for celebration regardless of circumstances, and anticipation of future glory.

This summer has started off as a summer of sorrow. I'll be spending much of my time at the hospital. Perhaps this may be my last summer of pools and beaches and swimming holes with my boys? It is so hard to stop thinking about the cancer cells relentlessly divided and growing inside of me. So how can there be joy for me this summer?

Again, I look to words of Christ for my answer. I get endless insights from his teachings at the last supper (John 14-17). I often feel like I am sitting at the back of the room eavesdropping on my Savior's words. I praise God that Jesus did not break the bread, drink the cup, and then
merely throw out the terminator line at his disciples, "I'll be back." Our Savior faced the worst death in history that night. He was about to endure the physical pain and shame of the cross followed by a descent into hell as his Father poured out his wrath on Jesus. Certainly
passages from Isaiah flitted through our Lord's thoughts. Horrible mocking committed by his own creatures approached (Isaiah 50:6). He would be beaten beyond recognition (52:14); pierced and whipped and unjustly condemned (53:5). Worst of all, Jesus knew his own Father would crush him and cause him grief by turning him into an offering for sin (53:10).

Despite the horror of these thoughts, what did he patiently teach his disciples that night? What comfort did he offer them? Jesus painted a picture of lives overflowing with abundant joy despite the sorrows of life. Jesus promised to transform his disciple's sorrow into joy (John
16:20-21), and despite their many earthly trials and sorrows, they will have peace and a joy that no one could steal (John 16: 22, 33). Jesus knew the fates of these men. They would be scorned, hated, tortured, and killed, but their joy would remain forever their's. The paradoxical
result of Christ's matchless gift of salvation is an earthly life of sorrow and joy.

So where does this leave me? My prayer and my choice is to experience a summer of sorrow filled with abundant joy. To do this, I must remain firmly attached to the Vine. God is pruning and purifying me for fruitfulness (John 13:3-4), and if I remain in Jesus, I will produce much
fruit (15:5), and as I produce the fruits of the Spirit, Jesus will fill me with a joy that overflows my soul (15:11). Even as I pen these words, tears of joy fill my eyes, and the sorrow I felt at the start of this letter has been transformed into deep joy. As you pray for me and I for you, let us pray for a summer of joy despite our sorrows.

God bless,
Tim
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Tim Eimer: "Let it go, son..."

2008-06-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

Good morning friends,

My friend (Bill DeHeer) and I took our sons camping last weekend. At the campground, six, feral wolf boys descended upon hapless weekend nature lovers so we spent Sunday afternoon at a lake watching the boys hunt for salamanders and water snakes. My oldest son became very attached to his Salamander and spent much of the day building a home for it and warning his little brother not to accidentally step on it. The creature became quite a burden for him. At the end of the day he tearfully begged me to take it home. Knowing full well the fate awaiting the poor creature at our house, I finally said, "Let it go, son. It belongs here in the lake."

Next Thursday, I meet with a radiologist to start radiation treatments on my neck, and soon I meet with yet another doctor about the experimental drug to treat the tumors in my lungs. My burdens are heavy. What will these treatments do to me? Do they have a prayer of working? Will we get any rest this summer after such a hard school year? Will I be able to take my family on our August vacations? Will this be my final summer of vacations?

Amid these doubts shouting from the corners of my mind, I heard my own Father's voice quite clearly this morning while reading in the gospels. "Let these burdens go, Son. They belong with me."

At times, I feel guilty about the attention I am getting because of my illness and the outpouring of prayers on my behalf. Many of you have shared your own burdens with me, and some are suffering far worse than I.

2 Corinthians 1:4 reminds me than God is comforting me in my trouble so that I can comfort others in their troubles so let me share with you the comfort God has given to me.

In Mathew 11, Jesus encourages us to lay down our heavy burdens, burdens we were never meant to carry, the burden of anxiety about tomorrow, the burden of worry about our loved ones, the burden of fear of disease and death, the fear that God does not care for us. "Let them all go," our Savior says. "They belong with my Father." Jesus asks us to take up his light burden, and he will give us rest. He will give us his gift of peace of mind and heart (John 14:27). And what is this light burden? I have found it is waking up each morning with a prayer of thanks on my lips. It is caring only for the troubles of today and not tomorrow. It is looking for opportunities to further God's Kingdom in the lives of those around me by speaking a word of encouragement or exhortation, committing to do a small act of gentleness, praying for God's patience because mine is gone, and loving those people that I really don't like right at the moment. I have found Jesus' light burden to be a daily prayer for joy in this day he has given me and for peace as I trust in his love for me and my family. His light burden is a daily prayer for strength and courage in the face of this black disease. Daily, it is a prayer for a deeper faith that I am a child of God and a confidence that when I fall, his everlasting arms are there to catch me (Deuteronomy 33:27). Finally, taking up the light burden of Jesus requires me to give up my illusion of control in my life and peacefully submit to the transforming power of God's Spirit as He conforms me to the very likeness of Christ.

I prayed for many of you this morning. I prayed that we all take up the light burden of Jesus, though it seems far more difficult to do than we could ever imagine. I prayed we let go of those heavy burdens we are nurturing and stumbling beneath. I prayed that we would all lay down our heavy burdens placing them where they belong, in the hands of our Father.

God bless,
Tim

Tim Eimer: place your children beneath those wings today

2008-05-25T09:05:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends,

As summer approaches, a persistent sadness is taking root in my soul.

Being a part time writer affords me much time to spend with my family in the summer, but my illness makes this coming time bitter sweet. After all, a father takes care of his family and does not leave them to go on a permanent, heavenly vacation. I struggle with the guilt and the coming loss.

It all comes down to Romans 12:3: "Be honest in your estimate of yourself, measuring your value by how much faith God has given you" (NLT). Almost daily, I confess the weakness of my faith to God, faith that He loves me deeply, faith that He loves my family even deeper, faith
that He will care for my sons.

It's funny where God leads us in the Scripture just at the times we need it. For some reason, I was inclined to read all the Messianic and prophetic portions of Isaiah yesterday. Again God exhorted me not to be afraid that some plan conceived behind closed doors will be the end of me (8:12). He reminded me not to be afraid of anything but the Lord Almighty (8:13). He keeps me in perfect peace because I trust in Him and my thoughts are fixed on Him (26:3), and I will always trust in Him because He is the Eternal Rock (26:4). And then God gave me His great
hope in chapter 44: 3-4. "And I will pour out my Spirit and my blessings on your children. They will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank."

This morning, I fled to Romans 8, as I often do for comfort, and at the very moment my oldest son, Conor, snuggled up with me and laid his head on my lap, I read Romans 8:28: "For those who love God, all things work toward the good." My own words from a chapel speech I gave at my school three weeks ago echoed in my thoughts. "For my sons, my death will be a bad thing, a horrible event, but God will turn it into good in their lives." Then I read verse 32 of chapter 8 and remembered that God did not spare His own son but gave Him up for me. I trust in a God who knows the pain of being separated from a child.

Many of you have shared your own fears and struggles with trusting God with your children. Early this morning, I took my boys fishing, and two huge vultures were perched on the roof of a barn, and sparrows flitted about them seemingly unaware of these hideous birds of prey. But the sparrows were safe in their nests beneath the roof of the barn just as our children are safe beneath the eternal wings of their heavenly Father.

I encourage you to place your children beneath those wings today as I will try to do. Daily I pray that the ruler of this world does not touch my sons, and I wrote to my boys in their journals that if I die, I will still pray for them daily from the midst of that great cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:1). That may even be the purpose of this cancer. The good from this evil may be that I can do more for them in heaven than I can here on earth.

Grace and peace to all of you,

Tim

PS: My chapel speech can be heard on the home page of my school's web web site at www.Phil-Mont.com

Tim Eimer: meditations on "trouble" from Psalms 102, 103 and 91

2008-05-18T21:33:00.002-05:00

Dear friends,
Despite my encouragement to you in my last email to "not let your hearts
be troubled," I have been troubled the past few mornings. I looked at my
youngest son, Torin, this morning and thought, "I'm never going to be
able to take him backpacking." I gazed at Conor, my eldest, and thought
about yesterday when I took him bike riding and played baseball and chess
with him, and I thought, "He will be crushed when I'm gone."
I sought refuge in the Psalms but felt overwhelmed like the Psalmist who
wrote Psalm 102. Like him, my heart is sick and whitered like grass (v.
4); I watch my days disappear like smoke (v. 3); I watch my life passing
as swiftly as the evening shadows (v. 11), and sadness fills me because
God is cutting me down in midlife and shortening my days (v. 23).
Then, I thought about getting gas for my car at WaWa yesterday. (WaWa is
a gas station here in the Northeast.) I live in Horsham, PA, which Money
Magazine has ranked the 15th best place to live in America, but you would
never know it by looking at the harried, troubled faces of the people
scurrying in and out of doors clutching their morning coffees and shaking
their heads in disgust at the price of gas. The enormity of their
hopeless expressions nearly broke my heart. I thought about the parents
at the bus stop who do nothing but complain and gossip and throw up their
hands in defeat. I thought about a fellow swim team parent, who has lived
his entire life in Horsham attending a Lutheran church, but when I asked
him what his church taught about salvation, he simply shook his head and
said, "I have no idea. I guess I wake up in the morning and I'm saved."
Watching these poor people labor cheerlessly through their lives in this
15th best place to live, I echo the sentiment of the main character from
that same Stephen Lawhead book I've been reading, "I fear death less than
empty, wasted life."
So prayed hard this morning and read more Psalms. I fought the battle
against fear and discouragement that I fight every morning. And again God
picked me up and dusted me off. As David did in Psalm 103, I tell myself
to praise the Lord (v. 1). I also tell myself never to forget the good
things he has done for me (v. 2). I remember that he forgives all my sins
(v. 3), heals all my diseases (v. 4), surrounds me with love and tender
mercies (v. 4), and fills my life with good things (v. 5).
Even as I write this letter, I am finding "rest in the shadow of the
Almighty" because I have chosen to "live in the shelter of the Most High"
(Psalm 91:1). Though I pray for their success, I am not trusting in the
upcoming medical treatments. Last time I checked, modern medicine has not
cured mortality. David and all the psalmists have been dead for 3,000
years, but God is still their fortress even today.
Like the Psalmist, I also must cry out, "God alone is my refuge, my place
of safety. He is my God, and I am trusting in him" (91:2). And like the
Psalmist, God will protect me from the fatal plague (v. 3). He will
shield me with his wings and shelter me with his feathers (v. 4). God's
faithful promises will be an armor of protection for me (v. 4), and I
will not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the dangers of the
day nor the plague that stalks me in the darkness (v. 4-5).
I prayed for those people at WaWa. I see the sadness of their hearts on
their faces. They know deep inside that their days are disappearing like
smoke, and I dare say most of them know nothing of these comforting
promises God extends to them. I encourage you to hide these same promises
deep in your hearts that you may remain beneath God's sheltering wings on
that day of trouble coming in your future, but let us also pray for those
filling up their cars with gas. This world needs an ocean of grace, but
everyday, we can be springs of living water in this desert of gas
stations and food markets and soccer games.
God bless,
Tim

This is your season to be happy!

2008-05-04T08:16:00.003-05:00

May 7 would have been Jackie's 67th birthday. Her first since going to be with the Lord - my first without her.

I bought a card and put it on the small round table I have in my home office with her picture and Bible and a few other things.

The front cover shows a heart and a cross in white and pastel colors. It reads:

It's Your Birthday

To everything there is a season...

Ecclesiastes 3:1

On the right inside cover I wrote "May 7, 2008" and "Dear Jackie,". Printed in the center of the page is the following:

This is your season to be happy!

God Bless You

On Your Birthday and Always

I wrote the following at the bottom:

This is your season; this is your time; the fulfillment of everything you yearned for and yet the best is yet to come! Rejoice in the Lord always.

I love you and miss you very much. I will join you in rejoicing when the Lord calls me.

Love always,

Fred

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Sometimes, a secular love song or even a simple birthday card can be profound when we know eternal truth. Jackie is rejoicing right now in the presence of the Lord. One day God will create the new Heaven and the new Earth (Rev. 21:3).

As for me, I will join her one day because I too love the Lord and have asked him to be my Savior and my Lord. I will join her at God's appointed time. Right now, as part of the bride of Christ on earth I am preparing my wedding garmet by doing the righteous acts the Lord has for me yet to do. And then we will be with the Lord together forever.

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Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, Hebrews 9:27

After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. I Thess. 4:17

Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. 8Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) Then the angel said to me, "Write: 'Blessed are hose who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!' " And he added, "These are the true words of God." Rev. 19:7-9

as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.
So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him. 2 Peter 3:12-14

What are you doing here, Elijah?

2008-04-06T12:52:00.008-05:00

I really enjoy these bible studies in my home on Heaven. It is such a joy to share the Word and to have God’s people in the house. Our discussion was lively and stimulating. But I didn’t sleep well, Thursday night after the Bible Study. Whether it was related to the bible Study or some other factor I do not know. I simply could not shut down. It was 5 am before I got any sleep that night. I cancelled my Personal Training appointment Friday morning and basically ran on deficit all day Friday.

At work, we had another fairly active and physical day yet when I left work Friday evening the same old sadness hit me that comes upon me nearly every weekend evening if I don’t have something specific to do with others. And so I was still tired and a bit depressed. I slept a little Friday evening. Saturday morning I got up and drove to downtown Dallas with the ministry’s vehicle loaded with display items we were going to set up for an event June would be speaking at. It was a beautiful day and I was busy with set up and then tear down about 2:30pm. Apparently the event was a success and I had several nice interactions and a few hugs to boot. Leaving the meeting place Saturday afternoon however, the sadness cloud again began to sweep over me - that feeling that I am alone. There is no one to go back to. I struggled to get motivated. I struggled to find “a way of escape” from the loneliness. Now it is Sunday morning. I did not go to SS or church. I don’t feel like seeing anybody and yet I need people.

I am not a Biblical hero by any stretch of the imagination. But I think I can understand a bit better now how Elijah felt after the tremendous experience on Mt.Carmel where he defeated the prophets of Baal as God acted through him. Following the “mountain top” experience of being God’s instrument, God’s prophet, Elijah was once again confronted with his humanity, his human condition if you will. I look to God to minister to my heart as he gently did to Elijah in I Kings 19:1-18.

And there he came to a cave, and lodged there; and behold, the word of the LORD came to him, and he said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

I know that God will gently seek me out and nudge me back in to ministry and confidence in Him. He has done it many times already.

Loneliness and Temptation

2008-04-05T17:02:00.006-05:00

No matter what I do in any given day or hour, what kind of fellow-ship, interaction, positive feedback, good exercise, no matter what, it never changes in the end. I am alone. I am alone and I am lonely. Always alone, less lonely than I use to be but still there are times like this afternoon when I hit the bottom of the pit of loneliness. She is gone, gone, gone. And will never come back. I can only go to her someday. King David in II Samuel 12:23 after much grieving, praying and fasting, when his baby son had died said, “can I bring him back again? I shall go to him (when I die), but he shall not return to me.”

Only a person who has lost a spouse understands this particular pain. And even then, having someone understand it doesn’t alleviate it. In the heat of the moment and the peak of my loneliness, it has such a grip on me there seems no way out - indeed there is no way out. It is a steel trap and I am locked in it by myself!

I find not so much comfort and companionship from the Lord when I feel lonely as much as answers, direction and new focus to my attention. when I am feeling lonely and ask Him, he shows me “a way of escape that I may be able to bear it.” (I Cor. 10:13). Much like what He does when I turn to Him when I am tempted.

Truth and Grief.

2008-03-31T22:39:00.007-05:00

“She was an example to me as a Christian women” several have said. Many are active in church and choir now.

“Jackie helped me recover from a painful divorce as we met week after week for lunch,” Mary said. Mary is getting married in 2 weeks.

“I wanted to volunteer at the hospital because Jackie seemed to really enjoy it so much”, Dorothy said. Dorothy is now a volunteer and I had the joy of giving her Jackie’s volunteer jacket last Sunday.

Gifts have been sent in memory of Jackie to Wycliffe, to Charlton Hospital, Hope for the Heart and to Hillcrest Baptist Church.

I could tell many other stories.

Jackie impacted a lot of lives, including mine.

I eagerly collect these nuggets and put them in a loose leaf.

Part of healing from grief I am told is to remember the good things, the special moments. It is also important to be truthful about the less than perfect aspects of the loved one’s life or the relationship. God has been helping me to be truthful and realistic while still relishing the wonderful testimonies.

The truth really does set you free – both the upbeat and positive as well as the difficult to face. And the truths of God's word are setting me free too. Slowly free of debilitating grief and free of destructive sin patterns.

Engaged to the Lord

2008-03-23T10:01:00.008-05:00

It was this time of month in March 1990 when I proposed to Jackie at the end of Water Aerobics class at Duncanville Athletic Club. We both loved water aerobics and had so much fun exercising together in the water and we also enjoyed the commaradarie with other class members. Everyone knew Jackie and I was known as the class clown because I would crack jokes or making funny noises as we went through our familiar routines. Jackie and I went several times a week at lunch break from our roles at the Wycliffe Center. So it seemed like a fitting setting to propose.

On this particular day, I arranged with her Supervisor, Gordon Christian, for Jackie to have the afternoon off. I also had flowers waiting at the front desk for her when she left the club. I loved Jackie so much - still do.

Gloria Farah, a good friend and a mentor to Jackie, brought in the ring in her towel and placed it at the specified spot on the edge of the pool. Gloria also brought in a camera to document the moment.

Jackie was thrilled and by the way, she said, “Yes!” She talked of this event for years afterward. And I gained a reputation for being creative that was a challenge to live up to.

Jackie and I were both engaged to the Lord and sealed by the Holy Spirit many years before this day. My marriage to Jackie has now ended. Ahead for us, when we are both resurrected, is a part in the great wedding supper of the Lamb. Jackie is in close, intimate relationship with the Lord right now with no barriers. I will be someday soon. While it may seem sad that there will be no marriage in heaven, our closeness, our intimacy because of our marriage to the Lord will be greater in heaven than our relationship was on earth.

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Jesus replied, "The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in that age and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, Luke 20:34,35

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend or vex or sadden Him], by whom you were sealed (marked, branded as God's own, secured) for the day of redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil and the consequences of sin). Eph. 4:30 Amplified

Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns. Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready. Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear." (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.) Rev. 19:6-8

Mourning now, laughter later

2008-03-14T19:18:00.005-05:00

Even now, there are days when I experience the joy of the Lord. Some Day I will laugh with the resurrected, redeemed, including with the Lord and with Jackie.

"Just as Jesus promised satisfaction as a reward in Heaven, He also promised laughter. Take any group of rejoicing people, and what do you hear? Laughter. It is God's gift to humanity, a gift that will only be raised to new levels after our resurrection."

"The reward of those who mourn will be laughter later. Passages such as Luke 6 gave the early Christians strength to endure persecution and death because they know that their present trouble isn't all there is. They know that someday they will laugh."

"Whose laughter will be loudest and most contagious on the New Earth? Jesus Christ's." Heaven (Bible Study) by Randy Alcorn, p. 135.
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"Blessed are you who hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh." Luke 6:21

"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, because geat is your reward in heaven." Luke 6:23

" Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10b

"Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs." Psalm 100:2

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The LORD has done great things for them.' " Psalm 126:2

"and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. " Isaiah 35:10

"Burst into songs of joy together, you ruins of Jerusalem, for the LORD has comforted his people, he has redeemed Jerusalem. " Isaiah 52:9

Being in the "Prime of Life"

2008-03-04T16:40:00.006-06:00

March has arrived. I was on a trip for the first couple of days of the month and so didn’t even notice. But then last night sitting at home alone, once again, after having spent the last several days with people, I began to feel sad. I felt the let down and the house was still empty. And in my state of mind I began to realize that it was in March of last year that Jackie’s physical descent began to be manifest. At first it was just leg pain – maybe a hamstring. Then in rapid order the symptoms began to develop. We chronicled all that in our emails last spring and summer.

Author, Randy Alford, in his book entitled, HEAVEN, speaks of our approaching “peak” as our physical body begins to deteriorate. That certainly is opposite to the world’s value system, isn’t it? And then when we are resurrected we have hit our stride, our peak!

Most of us yearn to have the bodies we had in earlier years. The looks, the muscle tone, the energy, the memory, the stamina, the ease of movement, the relative lack of pain, few if any medicines, etc… Certainly, Jackie was a prime example of someone who diligently took care of herself. She exercised regularly, she ate healthy foods, and she kept herself neat and attractive. It was so hard to see her body decline and I miss her terribly for so many reasons and on so many levels. But actually, she has now begun to approach her peak. With the resurrection she will be at her prime.

Certainly, this truth doesn't remove all pain and sorrow related to physical decline and death, but perhaps if we were to begin to view physical decline as the approaching of the prime of life we wouldn’t worship youth quite so much in our culture and we would not have such a negative view of physical decline and death.

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42 So also is the resurrection of the dead It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. I Cor. 15: 42-44;

remaining single

2008-02-22T23:43:00.004-06:00

Some people feel a need to remarry and others do not. Not everyone who has lost a spouse wants to remarry or should remarry.

God knows what is best for my future and will direct. So far, though I am free to remarry, I believe He is directing me to remain single. Don't get me wrong, I loved being married and I adored Jackie. But I think one of the reasons I feel He is directing me to remain single is simply because I am an older man now. By God's grace, I can finish my earthly life without a wife perhaps more easily than a younger man. The principle Paul seems to articulate is that younger widows or widows who cannot control their passions should go ahead and remarry. Perhaps another reason why I have peace about not remarrying is that though I am lonely at times, I am also finding that there are areas where I need to grow that were somewhat masked while I was in a marriage relationship.

I have a work to do before I go to the Lord and have more growing to do. Grief, loneliness and singleness seem to be factors that God is using right now to stimulate, even agitate me toward growth and further the maturing process in my life.

I am however keenly aware that we thrive when we have healthy relationships at work, at home, at church, wherever we are. Studies show that people even live longer if they have healthy relationships. While I don't plan to remarry, I will need to always guard against isolationism and always seek out male and female friendships, and especially among God's people.
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A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. I Cor. 7:39

So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander. I Tim. 5:14

But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better. I Cor. 7:37, 38

His strength and my weakness

2008-02-16T19:13:00.004-06:00

Strengthened by the Lord, having a hope and a future, beginning to see some clarity in terms of the future, including ministry opportunities AND at the same time, completely undone, devastated and alone. How can these things co-exist? I am not sure, but I certainly am experiencing these extremes all at the same time (or at least within days or hours of one another!) Maybe that is what brokenness is. Maybe that’s how some of the prophets lived. Powerful and Weak. A Blessing to Others and yet SO Needy.

I know that in my mortal way of thinking I expect to become stronger and stronger, more independent, more self-directed, less dependent on others (and God). But I wonder if that is God’s plan?

His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Christ humbled Himself to become a little lower than the angels, even to being a servant. The prophets, the apostles, martyrs all suffered greatly. Many Christian around the world still do.

Frankly, life is not as much fun as it use to be nor as comfortable. But I do know that I love others more; that I love the Lord and depend on His promises a lot more to carry me through. I seem to have more clarity about what is really important in life. And I am blessed to see the effect I am having on others. When I share spiritual truth it seems to be well received, it rings true, is respected and seems effective. And yet all of this is happening while I am experiencing pain and sorrow mixed with joy in my heart.

The plans I have for you

2008-02-12T10:01:00.000-06:00

How are you doing? This question understandably is answered differently as healing takes place and as I do the things that promote healing. In other words, time alone does not heal but I do believe time coupled with “leaning in to my grief” does promote healing. Knowing God’s Word and having a vital relationship with Him bring further healing from pain.

In the beginning, I would answer that I was managing moment by moment, and then it stretched to day by day. Now it seems to be good days and bad and more good days then bad. “Good days”, meaning days when there are no emotional tidal waves that come crashing on the beach of my heart.

Then you begin to see more clearly and are not so focused on survival. You start to move on though never forgetting. You begin to have plans, plans the Lord by His Spirit has put in my heart for outreach, for possessions, for future direction. Maybe in future blog postings I will share some of these 'plans'.
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… “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” But it was to us that God revealed these things by his Spirit. For his Spirit searches out everything and shows us God’s deep
secrets. (I Cor. 2:9,10)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

special moments we shared together

2008-02-07T00:12:00.000-06:00

At last week's Heaven Bible Study in my home I was looking for the sugar container to put out with the coffee but I couldn't find it. Then today, as I emptied out my lunch bag there was a bulge in a side pocket. I hadn't looked in to that pocket of the bag for quite some time. As it turned out - not since last summer. In that pocket was the little clear plastic sugar container from my cupboard. Then I remembered. I had taken it to the hospital last summer along with some bacon, a few slices of tomato from our garden, toast and lettuce. I made Jackie a BLT just the way she liked it, right there in the hospital room. She always liked her BLTs with sugar on it.

Then I broke down and wept profusely. I cried for my Jackie and I missed her so much. It's moments like these that overwhelm me without warning at times. Nice memories, special moments we shared together. Never to be had again. At least not until the resurrection. I cannot wait to share special moments with her again in the new heaven and the new earth.

the need for companionship

2008-02-05T07:47:00.000-06:00

People who knew Jackie often find it difficult when they first visit my house. They can easily picture her in her house. Now, after 7 months of her not being in the house I find it easier but still have my moments. At first, it was difficult even sitting at the dinning room table alone, or touching something in the kitchen, seeing a book or her clothes or her favorite chair. But she is no longer here.

Sometimes I remember conversations and times when one of us was feeling hurt or vulnerable. And I remember hugging one another and praying for one another at these times. Jackie is in the bosom of the Lord now but she is no longer here to comfort me.

I am slowing getting use to being alone and learning to deal with the loneliness. But I am also learning to experience being at the dinner table dining with Jesus or having Him close by my side. Sometimes, frankly, I just need a hug and want to experience Jesus enfolding me in His arms.

Sometimes I feel God’s presence like that but there are other times when He seems far less present and tangible. I want to develop my relationship with the Lord and experience His companionship more often.

The Biblical prescription is to come before Him, acknowledging Him as Lord and Savior and being up to date with Him having confessed all known sin. Doing so, we have great promises. We know for example that He is always looking for those whose hearts are turned to Him. I find He is very accessible when I follow this prescription.

Lord, please draw near to me as I draw near to you. I need your very tangible presence and companionship in my life right now.

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“ Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." (James 4:8)

"For The Eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him." (2 Chronicles 16:9)

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. . . . And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:9, 16)

Finding a new identity or at least, redefining my Identity.

2008-01-31T16:46:00.000-06:00

this is a long post, folks!

One time, in a public meeting I actually introduced myself as, “Fred and Jackie Miska”. That’s really becoming one flesh! Our hopes and dreams were together. I knew what she was thinking many times just by looking at her. I was very pleased to be Jackie’s husband.

When she died my identity and my role changed. Finding a new self is very confusing. It was thrust upon me and I really did not want to accept it. I wanted to remain Jackie’s husband, friend and lover. I could not imagine life without her. I lost not only a person but the very definition of who I was.

Grief literature makes it clear that finding a new identity for the surviving spouse is one of the most difficult issues they face. It takes a long time to work through these thoughts and feelings and it cannot be rushed.

I am beginning to get a glimpse not of a completely new identity but rather a redefined identity. On a rare occasions now, I even feel a bit of excitement about the opportunity to change and grow and redefine myself. But I cannot rush this process.

I am still the same basic person and some things remain the same; for example:

1. I continue to have the same values and commitments to the Lord that Jackie and I held together, to personal ministry and to family. I am still a committed, Biblical person.

2. While there have been and will be relationship changes, I continue to have some of the same friends. I am still a gentle, approachable friend.

3. Thank God I have the same job and live in the same house. I am still a mature, reliable and consistent person.

4. I am still a son of God and have an identity in Christ I have yet to fully grow in to or explore to the fullest.

5. I continue to enjoy writing for my healing and as a ministry to the Lord. I am still a writer

Some things appear to be changing; for example, in no particular order:

1. I get to travel a bit more but I have to do it alone. I am a traveler.

2. I desire to step up and take more responsibility to contact, see and reach out to Jackie’s family then I did as Jackie’s husband, where I stayed more in the shadows of family relationships. I am a grandpa and one who loves and encourages family.

3. I am more cognizant and more connected to my family of origin. I am a brother and a son.

4. I seem to have, at least for now, a unique contribution to the local body of Christ in regard to the subject of Heaven. Maybe eventually in the area of grief recovery as well. I have a message.

5. I accept my status as an older man, as a widower, who does not plan to remarry. I am in the stage of my life where that is okay. I believe I am a wiser, more sober, hopefully more compassionate older man. Hopefully, I am also a “Sage” (per John Eldredge stages of a man’s life).

6. I have a greater sense of urgency to accomplish God’s purposes through my life while I am still here on earth.

7. It’s more important to me to have male friends. I am a brother in the Lord.

8. I recognize I naturally stay up later at night and get up later in the morning. I am a night owl.

9. I have no one to talk to when I come home and no one to go to the doctor’s office with me, etc... I am truly on my own and need to just ‘buck up’ and do it.

10. I have to plan, buy and cook my own meals and take care of the entire household – inside and out by myself. I am a household manager.

11. I have to seek advice from others about decisions that Jackie and I made together. I need input and feedback from others.

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My Identity in Christ.
I'm a child of God - He is my Father - 1 Jn 3:1,2
I am a saint - Eph 1:1; 1 Cor 1:2; Phil 1:1
I am Christ's friend - Jn 15:15
I am a fellow citizen in God's kingdom - Eph 2:19
I am born of God - 1 Jn 4:7
I have been brought near to Christ - Eph 2:13
I have been adopted by God - Rom 8:15
I'm to be righteous and holy like God - Eph 4:24
I have direct access to God - Eph 2:18

MY INHERITANCE
I am a citizen of heaven - Phil 3:20
I am an heir of God - Rom 8:17
I've been rescued from Satan's domain - Col 1:13
I am a joint heir with Christ - Rom 8:17; Gal 4:7
I am hidden with Christ in God - Col 3:3
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing - Eph 1:3
I am chosen of God - holy, beloved - Col 3:12
I am a child of promise - Rom 9:8; Gal 3:14
I am a child of light, not darkness - 1 Thessa 5:5
I've been given great promises - 2 Pet 1:4
I am a partaker of Christ - Heb 3:14
I'm one of God's living stones - 1 Pet 2:5

MY TRANSFORMATION
I'm a member of a royal priesthood - 1 Pet 2:9
I'm redeemed and forgiven - Eph 1:6-8
I'm to be a stranger to this world - 1 Pet 2:11
I've been justified - made righteous - Rom 5:1
I'm an enemy of the devil - 1 Pet 5:8
I have eternal life - Jn 5:24
I died w/Christ to the power of sin - Rom 6:1-6

MY CALLING
I am free from condemnation - Rom 8:1
I am to be salt on the earth - Mt 5:13
I have received the Spirit of God -1 Cor 2:12
I am to be light in the world - Mt 5:14
I have been given the mind of Christ - 1 Cor 2:16
I'm chosen and appointed to bear fruit - Jn 15:16
I have been crucified with Christ - Gal 2:20
I am called to do the works of Christ - Jn 14:12
I am a new creation - 2 Cor 5:17
I am to do what Christ commanded His disciples - Mt 28:20
I have been made alive with Christ - Eph 2:5
I have been given spiritual authority - Lk 10:19
I am God's workmanship - Eph 2:10
Signs should accompany my work - Mk 16:17-20
I have received fullness in Christ - Col 2:10
I am a minister of a new covenant - 2 Cor 3:6
I am a minister of reconciliation - 2 Cor 5:18,19

MY POSITION
I am to be an expression of life in Christ - Col 3:4
I am connected to the true vine - Jn 15:1,5
I am a partaker of a heavenly calling - Heb 3:1
I'm a willing slave of righteousness - Rom 6:18,22
I am a temple of God - 1 Cor 3:16; 6:19
I am one spirit with the Lord - 1 Cor 6:17
I am a member of Christ's body - 1 Cor 12:27

Your Divine Valentine

2008-01-28T21:15:00.000-06:00

This is taken directly from DaySpring.com. I think I may buy the framed plaque.

A Valentine may play a love song for you, but God sings you the sweetest love song in the universe.
The Lord your God...will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. ZEPHANIAH 3:17

A Valentine may give you flowers, but God sent you the most beautiful rose of all, Jesus.
I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys. SONG OF SOLOMON 2:1

A Valentine may take you out to dinner, but God has invited you to the most amazing feast ever given.
Blessed are those who are called to the marriage supper of the Lamb! REVELATION 19:9

A Valentine may bring you chocolate, but God provides you with something even sweeter, His Word.
How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! PSALM 119:103

A Valentine may love you for a lifetime, but God loved you before you were born and will love you for all eternity!
Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love. JEREMIAH 31:3

-Holley Gerth

the heart of the house...is gone

2008-01-26T09:47:00.000-06:00

I come home from work at 8 or 9 pm and the house is dark, cold and empty and I immediately feel discouraged even though I knew it would be that way. I really didn’t have any other expectation. I am that much of realist. I am sane. Nevertheless, I sometimes say aloud, “I'm home, honey.” Now, isn’t that sweet?", you say. "He is still greeting his beloved even though she is gone". But it’s not sweet. It’s bitter. It is uttered out of sarcasm. It means, ‘yeah, right, like I really expected her to be here!’ It’s the same cheerless arrival. I never feel like, 'oh, its so good to be home, to my refuge; my place to kick back; my place of love and warmth and where I am really important to someone’.

The sarcasm and then saddness fades away sooner now then it use to and shortly I go about my business in the house. I suppose eventually I will feel more and more like a single that enjoys his “pad”. Right now, the house still feels very empty. The heart of the house - the one that really loved me and loved this house is gone. Jackie loved her home. She filled it with love and music and lights and activities.

She has a new home now and she no doubt loves it. I am truly happy for her.

Maybe its okay that I don’t love my home and that I am not too comfortable here. After all, this address is not my real home. My citizenship is in heaven and I have my real home there. After all, Jesus did say that He was going to prepare a place for me so that where He is, I may be also.

By God’s grace I will become a bit more relaxed in this earthly house until finally the Lord calls me to my real home in my homeland (heaven) and I can say to her (without sarcasm), “I am home, honey”.
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In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. John 14:2

Chicken Soup for the Soul

2008-01-22T20:22:00.000-06:00

"Chicken Soup for the soul." I just came up with that title all by myself. It seems really appropriate. I was home sick today. I don’t know what would be worse - being sick or being home alone on a weekday when everybody else has gone to work and its cold and dreary inside. The house is cold too and I am all alone. Did I mention that I was all alone and not feeling well?

I put out an email this morning asking people to pray for me because I knew my thinking and my emotions could go downhill on a long day by myself. I did mention that I was alone didn’t I?.

This afternoon, my friends called and said they were bringing some homemade chicken soup over this evening about 6:00 pm. And they did, along with some homemade bread and a fresh fruit salad. They also brought some fellowship and some fun conversation. It really improved my outlook greatly. It was chicken soup for my soul as well as tummy.

a long, cold, lonely weekend...

2008-01-20T20:21:00.000-06:00

Nothing much profound to say tonight. It’s just been a long, cold, lonely weekend.

I never have liked the cold weather. I don’t know what I would do if I lived where it was REALLY cold! I know – I am so superficial. I definitely have a beach bum, or more accurately a pool bum mentality. I could swim everyday. I would wear shorts 365. When not in the pool, I would be hanging around the pool. One of my favorite things to do in life is to have morning devotions with coffee, journal and Bible in hand by the pool. Doing that after having had a brisk morning walk and a quick dip. To me, that would be the essence of retirement!

I’ve always been like a bear in the winter. I am miserable, can’t get warm, and I hate being closed up in the house. I was made to be outdoors. My heart sings when I am outdoors – but my heart and my body have to be warm first! Some winter weekend days, Jackie would tell me, “go to the club and workout, you’ll feel better”. So that is what I did last evening. I did feel better.

But now the house seems even colder and it’s empty! It’s been a long cold weekend, interspersed with some wonderful out of the house times of fellowship.

I hope it gets warm again soon or I figure out what to do with myself in this cold weather. I can’t go workout everyday, can I? Well, maybe I can.

I cannot find Jackie, but I can find the Lord!

2008-01-15T09:37:00.000-06:00

I had a prolonged meltdown last night. Not like the short mini-waves that come and go rather quickly now, every few days or so. But this went on all evening. I don’t know what prompted it. Perhaps, it was the fact that I was working late and alone in my department. I just was overwhelmed with how much I miss my friend; my best friend. I felt so alone in the world despite all the wonderful people that God has given me. Still my best friend was missing. Our wedding bulletin said, This day I will marry my friend. The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, Love. It was that way for Jackie and I.

I prayed, I tried everything to stop crying and stop repeating how much I missed my friend but the tears kept coming and I was a mess. I called my friend and brother, Aaron, in Pennsylvania. I don’t know anyone closer to the Lord than Him. He is only a few years older than me but He has been both a mentor and accountability partner for 20 years. When he prays, when he shares from the Word I am touched and changed.

Aaron read to me from Psalm 27 which speaks of seeking the Lord’s face. Then in prayer he said, “Lord, Fred can’t find Jackie”. That’s when I realized I can’t find her, she is missing. I know where she is and I will go to her someday but she will not return to me (see II Samuel 12:23). But I can seek the Lord. In fact, He invites me to do so and promises to be found.(see Jeremiah 29: 13,14).

There are many people, things, perhaps even health and opportunities we have lost that may not return to us and we cannot find. But our great and awesome God has promised to make Himself accessible through Jesus. Not just once at our salvation but if we will seek His face, His presence. When I find the Lord, I find what my soul and spirit needs. And, actually I am closer to Jackie when I am closer to the Lord (because like me, she is 'in the Lord')!
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He said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, 'Who knows, the LORD may be gracious to me, that the child may live.' "But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (II Samuel 12:22,23).

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 'I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.' (Jeremiah 29:13,14)

One thing I have asked from the LORD, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD And to meditate in His temple. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent He will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me, And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice, And be gracious to me and answer me.
When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, O LORD, I shall seek." (Psalm 27:4-8)

Heaven Bible Study

2008-01-12T15:56:00.000-06:00

I sent out this announcement today. It seems to me that at my age, having just lost Jackie, that God is wanting the theme of Heaven to be a major part of the message of my life to the body of Christ. Of course, you would have to live in my area to attend! But you can pray for me and you can pray for the participants. And - you can study about heaven yourself.

I will obey until He directs me elsewhere.

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Announcing a 6 week Bible Study facilitated by Fred Miska on…

HEAVEN

Study is based on the book, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn and on the Bible

Here’s a quick survey: How do you feel about Heaven? (Check all that apply.)
q I’m so excited about Heaven I can hardly stand it.
q I just don’t think about Heaven at all.
q I fear Heaven.
q I’m dreading Heaven.
q Could we talk about something else, please?

Excerpt from Introduction to Heaven by Randy Alcorn:

The early Christians were preoccupied with Heaven but today many people find no joy at all when they think about Heaven. “A pastor once confessed to me, ‘whenever I think about Heaven, it makes me depressed. I’d rather just cease to exist when I die. I can’t stand the thought of that endless tedium. To float around in the clouds with nothing to do but strum a harp… it’s all so terribly boring. Heaven doesn’t sound much better than hell. I’d rather be annihilated than spend eternity in a place like that.”’

‘In this study we’ll see from Scripture an exciting yet strangely neglected truth – that God never gave up on His original plan for humans to dwell on earth. In fact, the climax of history will be the creation of a New Heaven and a New Earth, a resurrected universe inhabited by resurrected people living with the resurrected Jesus.’ (Rev. 21:1-4)

And, in my own words:

If you can see Heaven, the shore on the other side, it will revolutionize your life, your ability to persevere during trials and your walk with the Lord will be strengthened and more joyous. It will also greatly comfort you, as it has me, if you have a loved one who died in the Lord. I believe this study will also energize you to share the gospel.

I believe this study is for everyone. If God wills, I will periodically offer this study. I invite you to be part of the first group. – Fred Miska

The cost of being a comforter

2008-01-10T17:19:00.000-06:00

I think I am more acutely aware of and touched by pain, suffering and loss around me since Jackie’s hospitalization and then passing in August. I suppose that is a good thing; it certainly isn’t a comfortable feeling though. Before, when I would pray for others, the earnestness and focus just wasn’t there the way it is now. Now, my heart is broken when I hear of illnesses and deaths. I groan for the people involved and call out to the Lord. It is also easier to talk to them and truly be compassionate concerning what they are going through.

The cost of being a comforter, an earnest prayer supporter and ultimately, a minister, is very high. For, if, as the Word says, "we comfort with the comfort we have received," then necessarily we have gone through painful times when we ourselves needed comfort from the Lord.

The older we become the more painful experiences we have collected. If we have truly allowed the Lord to teach us and change us through these painful experiences then instead of being bitter or stagnated old people, we should have become more compassionate, more able to comfort and minister!
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NOTE: The Greek word for “compassion” in the New Testament has a root meaning of “guts, viscera, or the bowels”; in other words, the place of deep seated emotional response. See also, John 11:1-46, especially verses 35, 36, and 38. Jesus wept; Jesus was deeply moved at the death of his friend Lazarus

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Cor. 1:3

On being H.O.T.

2008-01-08T09:11:00.000-06:00

I don't believe any living soul has heard me when I have really cried and screamed over my pain and grief. Fortunately, these times are becoming fewer, further between and of shorter duration. Sometimes I actually go a whole week without any kind of emotional outburst.

Grieving customs among the Crow Indians of Montana where I served, in ancient Israel and in much of the non-western world seem to allow for a greater outward expression of grief compared to our society. Loud wailing and tearing of clothes, fasting, head coverings are outward expressions we see by both men and women in some of these cultures. Not only does the person most closely connected to the loss mourn and weep out loud but so do friends, and family. In our culture, we may share in expressions of mourning by offering a hug or a Kleenex. Of course many provide other tangible acknowledgements of grief such as providing meals, attending services and sending cards. I have also been blessed by ongoing follow up through phone calls and conversations. But generally, grieving is a private matter in our culture. And even in private, I read, that many westerners, especially men in our culture apparently stifle emotional expressions.

I am always very conscious of my emotions and walk away from people if I sense that I am about to be overcome with emotion. Why have i done this? Why can I/we not express our emotions of grief more freely? Is it embarrassment? Is it a sign of weakness in our culture? Maybe when a friend or family member loses someone to death, we should gather around and cry aloud with him or her. Perhaps it would be very cathartic and thus very healing. The bible does admonish us after all to not only rejoice with those who rejoice but to also weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15).

I am pleased on the one hand, when people say to me, “Fred, you seem to be doing so well”, yet on the other hand, I think to myself, “but if you only knew and could have seen and heard me an hour ago!” . Oh, I try to be honest in my short sentence responses and not just give a glib response to the oft asked question, “So, how are you doing?”. I’ll say something like, "I’ve been really struggling lately, or the holidays have been difficult, thanks for asking". This blog has probably been my most effective way of letting out grief emotions in addition to my private moments.

What I found, as I started out in this grief and recovery journey is that somewhere deep down, ingrained in my personality and in my cultural awareness, I didn't want to inconvenience anyone nor draw attention to myself with my pain. I wanted them to think well of me, of my strength of my faith. I had this fear that somewhere there existed a grief 'schedule'. I sensed that as I began grieving that a clock started ticking and that I had to be at certain points in my healing by a certain time. I was afraid I wouldn’t meet the appointed dates and people would become impatient with me. That grace and patience would run out and be replaced with demands and expectations and impatience. No one in my life or circle of friends has made me feel that way, but that seemed to be my natural self talk. I think the broader culture influenced me to think that way.

Well, as I said, that was in the early stages of my grief. I am further along in this grief and healing journey now obviously then I was a couple of months ago. So these issues are not quite as large for me as they were. The Grief Share support group I attend has helped me realize:

1. everyone grieves uniquely and
2. everyone grieves at their own pace.

So I am very liberated in my grieving now. It will take me as long as it takes me and that is just fine. I will do the things that promote good grieving and healing but I will not feel any pressure to perform or appear strong. If I don't cry out loud with others around, I will at least continue writing my blog and not be embarassed when i write about the pain and loss.

There are wider applications to this grief experience. For example, in Sunday School we have been studying about living in the "room of grace" as opposed to the room of performance. I believe a central component to that lifestyle is being Honest, Open and Transparent (H.O.T.) with our Christian brothers and sisters as well as with the Lord.

QUESTION: Do you feel safe enough with the people in your life to be H.O.T. with them? Are you willing to be H.O.T. or do you feel the need to put on a mask so you won’t be embarrassed or appear weak? When people ask you, "how are you doing?" do you always answer, “Fine”? We all need to be free to be real with our struggles and our pain AS WELL AS comfortable ourselves when others express emotions of pain, grief and discouragement.

It is important to both be able and willing to share and to hear these emotions. Not because we are a therapy group and not because we want to be stuck in that place but because the shortest path to healing usually is to express the pain, the hurt, even confess the sin and then allow others to comfort us, encourage us and also to allow the Lord to heal us and move on. Expose a wound and you will be able to clean it out and heal it. Ignore a wound and it will only fester and become very ugly and infected.
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I was mute and silent, I refrained even from good, And my sorrow grew worse. Psalm 39:2

After King Saul, his son, and Israel's army were defeated, "David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword" (2 Samuel 1:11-12).

Two Steps Forward, One Step Backward...

2008-01-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

I warned you there would be blog postings like this!

This weekend, the first one of 2008 has been a mixed bag of emotion for me. I am full of plans and goals for the New Year. I am beginning to see some clarity and direction and some options for my life. Sometimes I feel really good and really at peace. And then, suddenly, like this morning in Sunday School a wave of emotion hit me so hard. I sat there in a wonderful class and I just knew Jackie would really love all of this, the closeness, the fellowship, the plans for the year. Then I put my hand on the seat next to me and she wasn’t there. Of course she wasn't there, nevertheless it hit me hard and I felt so alone in the midst of a warm class of brothers and sisters in the Lord many who have done so much for me. The emotion has carried on this afternoon and I find myself of two minds: Ready to go forward, on the one hand, and, on the other hand, ready for this tragedy to be over. I believe but I can’t believe Jackie is gone.

I have a nice house, wonderful family and friends, some investments for the future, a good job, two cars and yet I feel so impoverished. I have suffered such a terrible loss. The most valuable treasure I had, other than the Lord Himself is gone. Wiped off the face of this earth.

I miss you so much, Jackie. I am crying for me. Though I know you are missing out on some wonderful things in the family, in the church etc… you are really happy there. I just can’t see your happiness. I can’t experience it firsthand.

I've got to get back to studying and meditating on Heaven. That's the only thing that helps make any sense of this or bring any consolation. That's the only thing that helps me move forward.

How do you keep the reality and the hope of heaven alive and real in your walk with the Lord rather than just a doctrinal position?

NOTE: do concordance study on Hope in the N.T.
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Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. Hebrews 11:1,2

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, I Pet. 1:3,4

Finding contentment in the midst of loneliness

2008-01-03T20:18:00.000-06:00

I have heard it said, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Many people can be in a crowded room and still be lonely. Implied in that statement I believe is the message that loneliness is a state of mind and heart and that you have more control over loneliness than you have over being alone.

Right now, my loneliness is still part of my grief and I believe it is my assignment from the Lord for a period of time. I think it is healthy to acknowledge and face the loneliness in order to help me move through the grief. Loneliness is a terrible feeling but I won’t die from being lonely.

Being alone and also feeling lonely may also be your assignment right now. God some times allows us to feel these things to cause us to grow in our relationship with Him and with others. Your response and mine is to recognize that God has thrust us or at least alowed us to be in our current situation. But we also need to recognize that He is also the One who said, “…I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Heb. 135b) and Who also said, "there is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother." (Prov. 18:24b)”

Lord, I know you want to teach me through my loneliness. Lord help me to find my contentment in You and look to You for strength, encouragement and creative, wholesome ideas and activities.
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here are a few verses that I find instructive in periods of loneliness. What verses have helped you get through?

There has no temptation come your way that is not common to all mankind, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength, but will, when you are tempted, also make a way to escape, that you may be able to bear it." I Cor. 10:13

For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to be, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom. 8:38,39

"But we have this treasure, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. Troubled on every side, yet not distressed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus might also be made manifest in our body. For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus might also be made manifest in our mortal flesh." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus." I Thessa. 4:13, 14

compared to Hell...

2008-01-02T20:32:00.000-06:00

I am feeling my loneliness acutely right now as I change the calendars in the house, as I put away 2007 business items, as I insert and begin filling out a new Day Timer and generally prepare for the New Year. I realize acutely that Jackie will not be with me as I walk into 2008 and that reality is hitting me hard right now. I feel alone, isolated, and left behind. I know it is temporary and the feeling will come and go as I move on through the days and weeks ahead but right now I feel it strongly.

But Jackie is enjoying her inheritance in the presence of the Lord and the Blessed Hope dominates my life both now and for eternity. I can endure and God will comfort.

For some reason, in my pain, and loneliness today I began to meditate on hell. Hell is a place of conscious awareness, memory, suffering and hopelessness. There is no way out. At times, especially in the early stages, grief feels like this. Even now, I have short episodes of this kind of overwhelming feeling of pain and hopelessness. But in Hell, the pain, the suffering, the mental, emotional torment is unending. For a short time, in this life we may think we are in this kind of circumstance but it does not compare with existence in hell. Compared to hell, I can endure my episodes of loneliness and grief.

I rejoice Jackie is in heaven and that is my destination too and that even in this life, I have the Blessed Hope of that great DAY and meanwhile God’s Spirit is comforting me. But,

Lord, there are people heading for a Christless eternity in hell. And it is real, it is torment and it is unending. Help me to show the way to those suffering, to those grieving and especially to those who are lost without Christ that though their weeping may last for a night joy can come in the morning. ...

Weeping may endure for a night,
but Joy Comes in The Morning.
Psalm 30:5
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"And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame " (Luke 16:24).

"Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power;" (II Thessalonians 1:9).

"The sorrows of hell compassed me about; the snares of death prevented me;" (2 Samuel 22:6).

"And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom" (Luke 16:23).

"Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 22:13).

And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth" (Matthew 25:30).

"But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).

"Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched" (Mark 9:44).

"And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day nor night, who worship the beast and his image, and whosoever receiveth the mark of his name" (Revelation 14:11).

"And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death" (Revelation 20:14).

...perseverance must finish its work

2008-01-01T16:14:00.000-06:00

In order for you and I to experience healing, completeness and maturity, perseverance must finish its work (James 1:4). While God may answer our prayers for immediate relief, He most often brings about growth and change in our lives by giving us the grace to endure, to persevere.

In grieving, for example, God doesn’t take away the pain. He is there with me in the pain and perhaps it is of shorter duration because of His presence and His truth but still it hurts. If I get too busy, medicate myself in some way or deny the pain it only prolongs the healing. But if I face my pain and grief, in short, if I persevere, I eventually heal and become functional, changed and fruitful in a new and perhaps greater way.

Likewise, if you want change in your life this new year, if you want to heal, you will have to lean into it. Persevere with God’s grace and allow it to finish its work! Jesus set His face toward Jerusalem and by God’s grace He persevered and purchased our salvation. A cloud of witnesses is cheering you and I on!
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“Consider it pure joy when you have trials of many kinds, for it is the testing of your faith that brings perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

Then Jesus made it clear to his disciples that it was now necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, submit to an ordeal of suffering at the hands of the religious leaders, be killed, and then on the third day be raised up alive. Peter took him in hand, protesting, "Impossible, Master! That can never be!" (Matt. 16:21 MSG)

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin; (Hebrews 12:1-4 NASV)

Comfort my people, says your God

2008-01-01T12:37:00.000-06:00

I want to talk about slowly changing the focus of the blog. While grief will be my companion for some time to come and I will continue to include grief thoughts and moments as they naturally occur, I also want to include in the blog, as I had done in my writings of the past, a wider variety of devotional thoughts though still from my heart and hopefully based on the Word of God.

So, as we turn the New Year, I would like to broaden the focus to other aspects of my and your walk with the Lord. I want to allow the Lord not only to continue to comfort me but share that comfort with you, my dear friends and readers.

I will continue to write in the first person much of the time. Though I am aware of my reader and want to be able to give you something you can apply to your life, I find the only style I am really totally comfortable with is the first person. I hope that you can make the application to your life where there is one to be had.
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Comfort my people, says your God. (Isaiah 40:1, NIV)

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too. (2 Cor. 1:3 MSG)

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken,Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners.God sent me to announce the year of his grace— a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies— and to comfort all who mourn,To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to display his glory.They'll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city out of the wreckage.They'll start over on the ruined cities, take the rubble left behind and make it new.You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks and foreigners to work your fields,But you'll have the title "Priests of God," honored as ministers of our God.You'll feast on the bounty of nations, you'll bask in their glory.Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt,Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:1-7 MSG)

Death: Its All Part of the Plan

2007-12-28T17:07:00.000-06:00

It is wonderful to fellowship with a fellow Christian, especially praying, reading aloud and studying the Word together. It is such a joy to share the wonderful things the Lord is teaching you and the ways He is leading you both separately and together. Serving the Lord in ministry side by side is a joy too.

Jackie and I enjoyed sitting at our dining room table and sharing what the Lord was doing in our lives and the passion for ministering to others that we both shared. But part of this wonderful relationship in the Lord, you might say bluntly, "part of the "deal" was always the fact that in order to obtain the full benefits of our saving relationship with Christ, i.e. our eternal inheritance, we would both have to die, likely one before the other. For the Bible makes it clear that, "flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God". While we freely talked about death, about wills, investments, etc... and while we always knew that someday we would die and be with the Lord, I don't think we fully appreciated the value as well as the necessity of dying. But actually, it was always part of this wonderful plan of salvation we enjoyed together.

So, it should not seem so strange or such an affront that we have to die. It is God's way of getting us ready to inherit the kingdom.

The transition part of the plan for Jackie and for many other brothers and sisters in the Lord has already been fulfilled; the fulfillment of the plan for you and me is yet future.

Death is a shock, it hurts; we may wonder why but really, everything is under control and it is all part of God's plan.
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Corinthians 15:50I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable.

Hebrews 2:14Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—

John 6:53Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.

Who me? I'm not angry!

2007-12-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

Anger, is apparently a pretty normal part of the grief process for most people. Of course, being a mild mannered, gentle person, pleasant to everyone, I do not easily identify with the emotion of anger or even recognize its existence. Other people may get angry: I just get sad. But grief literature speaks frequently of the presence of anger in grief. Of course, since I am different than other people, I don’t have to experience EVERY emotion that OTHER people experience to be going through a healthy grieving process…

Oh sure, occasionally I’ll slam something down on the table or throw something across the room but I don’t really get angry. Sure, on occasion I am sarcastic (like I am right now) but that is not anger, is it? Sometimes I'll make an "observation" or two to myself, like the other day when I was looking at Jackie’s table in my home office and I observed, “all I have left of Jackie is a d_ _ _ table!”. And while I am at it, “this being alone in the house sure is a lot of fun!”

But not me, I don’t deal with anger. Other people do. Of course, I have told God several times what I think of how this past summer unfolded and what happened to Jackie’s body and that I felt cheated out of any conversation with her virtually the entire summer. But I’m not really angry, I’m just, expressing my honest feelings --- you know, like in the Psalms of David, when he tells God how he feels about things. Oh, you say David was angry and frustrated sometimes? Hmm...

Grief reveals everything that is in you. One of the things it is revealing is my sense of being a victim – again. It’s revealing that I feel I deserve punishment. It’s revealing that I have always had anger but instead of expressing it outwardly, I usually turn it inward – on myself or I express it sideways through sarcasm or a muttered curse word or slamming something a little extra hard.

I am slowly accepting the fact that anger is also a part of my makeup and is part of my grief and that it is okay to slowly let it out without hurting others or becoming bitter. God can handle it and God can heal and God can change my thinking. God is wanting to use this present moment of grief in my life to reveal, to cleanse and to heal me.

Lord, I don’t want to waste my grief. The price was too high not to grow through this and become all you want me to be. I know I have more growing to do before it’s my turn to go home.

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"BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26 NASB).

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control" (29:11).

"But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned" (Psalm 39:2-3).

Jackie's table in my office at home

2007-12-18T23:42:00.000-06:00

I miss you so much, dear.

Because of Him

2007-12-15T12:09:00.000-06:00

I bought a Crèche today. I was shopping at CVS looking for other items and saw this one. I began to tear up as I remembered how last year Jackie and I looked all around for one and could not find what we liked. I knew I had to get it. I put it on the little table in my office at home where I have Jackie's pictures, her Bible and now her Christmas card.

Because of Jesus we have the Blessed Hope that we will see Him one day and we will see Jackie again.

Today, Tomorrow, And Always...

2007-12-15T12:02:00.000-06:00

I bought a card for Jackie and put it on the table next to her picture.

The red cover of the Christmas card reads in Gold script:

With Love
To My Wife

Today,
Tomorrow,
And Always

On the inside it reads in red on an off white insert:

Dec. 2007
Jackie,

As time’s gone by, the two of us
Have shared a lot of things –
The comfort and companionship
A happy marriage brings,
A lot of hopes and dreams fulfilled
And memories we hold dear -
But most of all, the kind of love
That deepens every year.

Today, Tomorrow, and Always,
I Love You with All My Heart

Merry Christmas

Love,

Fred

I loved to give Jackie gifts; what do I do now?

2007-12-14T13:58:00.000-06:00

I love to give gifts. My parents were generous with us kids and I caught that spirit. I like to do it anytime of the year but Christmas especially. I loved to buy things for Jackie. It hurts so much that I am unable to do that for her this year. I see things I could get her that would please her. I see a new bible study booklet, Cowboys paraphernalia (she would be so excited about the Cowboys this year!), a pair of slippers to replace those worn out ones she wore all the time, a gift certificate for a pedicure, a holiday poinsettia, a special Christmas decoration, a new Kinkade calendar, etc… Jackie was my favorite topic of study and I observed her all the time. Sometimes I would buy something when it was not a holiday. Sometimes, in the middle of the summer, I would write something down in my Day-Timer on the page for December. Then when Christmas came I was ready to shop. I really feel thwarted not to be able to get her anything this year. I am enjoying getting things for others however.

Any of the intangible things that I could give her frankly seem at first to be so epheral and empty but I guess they really are not. For example, I can give her my life lived well until it is time to join her. I can love her family and her Lord, and mine. I can try to maintain some of her relationships. I can give to and pray for the missionaries she loved. I can honor her memory and keep our shared values and committments.

Like the Lord, in a sense, she has everything she needs now. What can we give the Lord? Donations are nice; acts of service are good but most importantly we can walk humbly before Him and love others.

But some things DO NOT CHANGE.

2007-12-12T14:21:00.000-06:00

When I refer to the “Post Jackie” stage of my life, I am referring to my life after her death. It means the loss of my old life as a married man with all the privileges, responsibilities and relationships that were part of that life. It means the loss of Jackie, my best friend and lover.

BUT the “Post Jackie” stage of my life does not mean a break from the values we shared in common nor from the lovely family I married in to. And it does not mean I will not see her again. In fact, I will see her again.

Some things remain the same: My love, commitments, family and friendship ties, values and much of my physical environment.

In a period of change, it is important to remember what things DO NOT CHANGE:

Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; (Heb. 12:28 NASV)

Don't you know? Haven't you heard? The LORD is the eternal God, Creator of the earth. He never gets weary or tired; His wisdom cannot be measured. (Isaiah 40:28)

God is no mere human! He doesn't tell lies or change His mind. God always keeps His promises. (Numbers 23:19)

Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father who created all the lights in the heavens. He is always the same and never makes dark shadows by changing. (James 1:17)

Jesus Christ never changes! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. (Hebrews 13:8)

2008: The "Post Jackie" stage of my life

2007-12-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

I just wrote my first 2008 appointment in my DayTimer. It’s for an annual physical in early January. Pretty routine transaction but now as I reflect on it those 2 items bring in a rush of emotions.

First of all, there is the matter of the year, “2008”. That means that barring unforeseen circumstances, I will be alive and go on living beyond the year that my wife died. For awhile, I’ve really not wanted to go on without Jackie and yet here I am soon to face the New Year and going forward, leaving behind my old life and my lost relationship. It seems so weird to be living in the ‘post Jackie” stage of my life. Not sure I can even explain it to you. Yet if the Lord wills, going on I will.

Secondly, there is the matter of having a physical with no one to share with. We shared everything. And I am scheduling this physical not because I feel sickly but simply because I am due for one. Of course, I will have a small list of a few minor things (at least that I am aware of) that I want to ask the doctor about. Again it feels so strange that Jackie took such good care of herself and I have always been so undisciplined and yet here I am going on. Surely, it is the sovereignty of God and no justification for my lack of self control.

You’ve obviously left me here for a reason, Lord. I really don’t like being in the “post Jackie” stage of my life. Lord, help me to accept this stage and live like I belong here. And Lord, help me to want to take better care of myself in 2008 so that I can make the most out of the time I have left.

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How does the approaching New Year affect you? Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or with fear? What are your reflections on 2007? In what ways are you asking the Lord to help you go forward in 2008?

Trusting in the King of kings and Lord of lords

2007-12-09T22:08:00.000-06:00

The little Nativity scene acted out by the children was touching. The mystery that God became human flesh was portrayed once again. It was really beautiful. However, in my state of mind, I couldn’t help think, “Jesus, I need more than a baby. I am counting on You to pull off all that I am hoping for. My entire trust is in You to deliver salvation, resurrection and a New Heaven and a New Earth.” A baby is fine. So is “Fairest Lord Jesus”. So is, “ The Good Shepherd” and “The Man of Sorrows”. But perhaps as never before in my life, I have placed all of my hope, all of my expectations on You to Deliver Your promises. I need the all powerful Creator and God of this Universe.

But when the adult choir ended the Christmas program with the Hallelujah Chorus I was overwhelmed with praise and worship and emotion. Standing with everyone else, I raised my hands in praise.

The baby REALLY IS THE Omnipotent One in the flesh. He really is the King of kings and the Lord of lords! The mystery of Christmas, the simple story of the babe in the manager never seemed so powerful as tonight.

Now stand up with me and worship:

Hallelujah Chorus Hymn
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

For the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

The kingdom of this world Is become the kingdom of our Lord,

And of His Christ, and of His Christ;

And He shall reign for ever and ever, For ever and ever, forever and ever,

King of kings, and Lord of lords,

And Lord of lords,

And He shall reign, And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings, forever and ever, And Lord of lords,

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings! and Lord of lords!

And He shall reign forever and ever,

King of kings! and Lord of lords!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!Hallelujah!

Jesus, The Shepherd of my soul.

2007-12-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step. He never did one thing wrong, Not once said anything amiss.They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls. (I Pet. 2:24-25, MSG)

When I am grieving out of control, when I am tempted to seek relief in the wrong ways, I can turn to the Shepherd of my soul. He will guide me back to peace, to contentment and righteousness. He will restore me and make me to lie down in green pastures once again.

I experienced this Saturday night as my friend Aaron praying long distance for me, brought calm, peace and contentment back to my soul.

Help me Lord to remember to turn to You as one of your sheep when I am traveling through the valley of the shadow of death.

Rx for Healing:

2007-12-08T13:26:00.000-06:00

1. face the firsts

2. maintain healthy habits and

3. receive and give love.

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I was getting the frozen waffles out of the freezer this morning when I saw some chopped meat. It had been in there since Spring, i.e. Jackie bought it. I thought, maybe I should defrost this and make some hamburger patties and cook it outside on the grill. And then I lost it… Jackie loved it when I barbequed for us or for company. I guess I did a pretty good job too because she always complimented me. Now it seemed so pointless. Through my tears and crying I said out loud, “maybe I should throw away the grill. No, you never know, you might wish you had it some day. Well, I’ll just cook them on the George Forman grill.” In the end, I decided to leave out the hamburger to defrost. I guess if I make a hamburger for myself that will be one of those “firsts” accomplished that is so important to the healing process.

I think I’ve explained more than adequately how important it is to express grief emotions. Well, this morning you could have heard me screaming since I had the doors open. I can’t control these emotions but I can just keep doing the things that I know will help the healing process like 1. facing all the firsts and 2. maintaining healthy habits.

It also helps the healing process knowing that there are so many people praying for me and who also take the time to tell me that they love me. I hear this from family, friends, even co-workers. I cannot tell you how much that means to me.

My life is slowly getting down to basics. Just these three things but the greatest gift of all is to be loved by God and others and to give love to God and others. refer to I Corinthians 13.

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Do you see these three things as important to your spiritual growth and relationship with the Lord? Are they present and growing in your life? Again, they are:

1. Facing the firsts - i.e. do the hard things that obedience requires

2. Keep on maintaining the healthy habits that brings consistency in to your life (whether these are devotions, prayer, bible study, service, home and work responsibilities, exercise and nutrition, etc...)

3. Love (i.e., show it and speak it) and receive love (from God first then from others).

The HOW and WHEN of grief emotions

2007-12-07T14:35:00.000-06:00

It seems emotions of loss, grief and loneliness have a life and a mind of their own. One day, one minute I am feeling fine and the next moment I am completely distraught.

God has designed me to be an emotional being and during a period of grief, the strong emotions come and go at will. It is really hard to schedule them. Maybe later on in the healing process when they are not so intense, I will be better able to put them off temporarily. You know, wait until the evening or the weekend, etc…

This is kind of a pet peeve of mine but it bothers me when literature says that women are more this way then men. I guess it bothers me because many times the literature about women and emotions seems to describe me. Grief however is such a powerful emotion that I think it even overwhelms the most analytical of men. The following seems also true of most men as well as women during a period of intense grief:

Apparently, while we have some control over how we express grief emotions it seems we do not have much control over when we experience those emotions. Most of the grief literature encourages appropriate and gradual letting out of emotions when they occur. Capping the well of emotions, as many men and some women are apt to do, only serves to ensure there will be a huge explosion at a future point in time.

So, I need not be ashamed of being emotional - especially now. I am grieving and in pain.

“Lord help me to have your balance. I do not want to be all about my pain. I do not want to express grief inappropriately or respond to my pain inappropriately. And I do not want to be so consumed by it that I don’t think of others and their pain and their needs. You are just going to have to help me with this Lord because the emotions I have been experiencing are at times completely overpowering. AMEN"

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helpful guidance from Scripture

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).

"I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. . . . I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. . . . For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me" (Psalm 38:6, 8, 17).

"He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8 NASB).

It's (NOT) all about me.

2007-12-06T15:36:00.000-06:00

At this time of my life I am focusing a lot on me: on my grief and loss and on my house, my car, my finances, etc... As a single now, it’s a new experience to be talking to myself all the time because there is no one else in the house to talk to. I talk to myself trying to decide things, figuring out my schedule, what to eat, when to clean. I have no discussion with anyone else on these things so I am inside my head a lot more than I use to be. Then too, I am blessed to be surrounded (i.e. outside the home) by caring people who ask me frequently how I am doing. And then I spend time, energy and thought writing a blog for anyone who chooses to go to it that publicly journals how I am doing. I am constantly monitoring my emotions, sharing them in writing and in the GriefShare group I attend.

And grief literature and counselors support this focus by advising that it is healthy to talk about your grief and the emotions you are experiencing. They say you will heal faster that way then if you remain quiet.

So then how and when do I move to an other-focus in my life? Other people – family and friends are also hurting and experiencing the grief of Jackie’s death AND there are lots of other losses, prayer needs in the lives of people all around me.

Not that I haven’t tried to be other-focus in the midst of my own grief. I ask some questions, I visit, I follow up some. I try to have an active prayer life. I print out requests from others. I am planning to be more actively involved in some form of ministry (other than my work) after the 1st of the year. I try to follow up with others about what is going on in their life.

But it does seem like a selfish, self-centered time of my life. To complicate matters, it seems that part of what God is doing in my life right now is to teach me, a life-long co-dependent personality, how not to be such a co-dependent person. A co-dependent person is only happy when someone else is happy or happy with them. A co-dependent person regards their own needs as not so important as long as the other person is happy. So, now I have to learn to swing the pendulum the other way and eventually find a mid-point. How do I find balance - i.e., in my learning to be aware of and take care of my needs that not suck the life out of everyone around me because I am so focused on myself?

God, please help me. Please give me a healthy balance between attention to the needs of my vessel, my emotions and personality and the important needs of others around me. For I really do know that ultimately it is NOT all about me, rather IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU.

--------------------------------

How do you keep a balance between being a servant of the Lord and yet not being a people pleaser?

How do you care for yourself without being self-centered?

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"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind…Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37, 39).

"For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it" (Ephesians 5:29).

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” (Exodus 20:3)

By God's grace, it's just a stage I am going through

2007-12-05T16:25:00.000-06:00

We use to say about children when observing their behavior, “it’s just a stage he/she is going through”. This assumes that the child will simply automatically 'grow out' of the stage and the behaviors associated with the stage.

It’s hard at any age, but I think perhaps especially at 63, to transition from being a life-long married man to being a widower/single man. I am well aware that there are lots of singles out there (some who read my blog and my blubbering about being alone) who manage life on their own and feel good about them self and don’t need someone to tell them that they love them and vice a versa. Lots of singles come home to their apartment or house each evening or on the weekend and are content being alone. And if they need people, well they make social plans. I fully expect that I will get to that point some time too.

Right now, however, I am still feeling (1) the new sensation of loneliness of being single/widow (2) the radical surgery of death of an intimate relationship and all the grief emotions related to that loss (3) I don’t know how, yet, to live on my own and feel content. Also, (4) I admit, I have a codependent personality, i.e. I am most familiar with being needed: when I am loving and caring for someone and receiving in return.

God will help me to recover in all of these areas. It’s just that it hurts so much right now. By His grace...

I will learn to celebrate singleness, flexibility, availability for service.

I will learn to be alone without being lonely (all the time) and I will learn how to schedule my time, my social activities, new interests, projects, etc.

I will find the Lord to be even more precious and tangible in my life. I will love Him more.

I will heal from my loss of Jackie (though I will never forget)

I will become more assured of my worth and attentive to my needs and desires and I will be able to receive in my inner being and be content with the love expressed to me from a variety of individuals.

I will learn to redirect or spread out my love to others in ways appropriate to my relationships, status.

I hope I have not made you, my dear readers, uncomfortable as you have read my last couple of blogs. I really don’t plan to remarry and I am not expecting you or others in my life to love me the way Jackie did. I am just expressing my unfiltered emotions while at the same time looking to God Whom I know will help me with this transition, healing and growth.

No, I don't think I will automatically 'grow out' of this stage of my life as the child might just by getting older. Time doesn't automatically make everything better. In most of these areas change will come by God's grace and my willing participation with Him.

A friend that sticks closer than a brother

2007-12-04T16:29:00.000-06:00

What do you need? What are you looking for? These were the questions put to me last evening as I shared my longings for love.

I know I want to give and receive unconditional love both in word and deed.

I don’t want to get married again and I know I cannot feel totally loved, understood and accepted all the time and certainly no one person, even in the best of relationships can supply the depth of what my soul desires. I know that.

Maybe recognizing the cry of my heart is the important thing. Maybe expressing it is healthy. But it is more than existential, more than spiritual/theological. There is a flesh and blood need that is not easily satisfied and cannot be forced or artificial. That’s why I said in my blog post yesterday:

"Right now it looks like rather than one person in my life in that special place, I will have to find those needs met through a composite of relationships from family, church, co-workers and friends – male and female.”
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But I do find some hope for Scripture that God might also provide one special friend as well as a composite of relationships.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24). In Scripture, God often provided such a friend in the form of a servant, a colleague, a mentor, or a protege.

Some Biblical examples:

1. Jeremiah and Baruch (Jer. 36:5-8).
2. Moses and Joshua. (Num. 11:28), (Ex. 24:13), stayed with him at God's tent (Ex. 33:11), (Ex. 17:8-13), (Num. 27:18-20).
3. Elijah and Elisha (1 Kings 19:4, 16).
4. Paul and Barnabas (Acts 9:26, 27). (Acts 11:19-30), then (Acts 13-14)
5 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Dan. 1:8, 3:17, 18).

And these women as examples...

6 Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16
7 Deborah and Barak (Judges 4:8, 9).

Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian magazine (formerly Christian Reader). September/October 2000, Vol. 38, No. 5, Page 51

I long, I hunger to GIVE and RECEIVE love, touch

2007-12-03T15:28:00.000-06:00

"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:8-9 RSV)

It is true, I am a passionate person and I like physical touch and I like to express concern and love for another. The question for me is am I in a vulnerable place and is there an uncontrollable flame of passion that could lead to sin?

This is not easy. But not because of sexual passion but because: (1) I loved being married to Jackie. (2) I loved her (3) I loved loving her AND (4) I miss not having one SPECIAL object of my affection as well as one SPECIAL person who was vitally interested in everything I did or said.

I continue to be convinced that it is right for me not to marry another time. But that does not mean I don't need and want special people in my life to love and to be loved by. It doesn’t mean that I can do without touch - a hug, a touch on the arm. It doesn’t mean that I like being alone ALL THE TIME.

So many times, I think I would like to tell Jackie something, or I would just like to stroke the back of her neck once again and tell her I love her. There are times when it would be nice to call somebody, and I do on occasion, just to tell them about something that happened today.

The Lord has become more precious, certainly. But He is not flesh and blood and He doesn’t respond with a nod or a word or a touch.

I could try to just be like John Wayne - you know, tough, macho. After all, I am a man, independent and single now so just forget about giving and receiving love and non-sexual affectionate touch. Taking this position may hurt less for awhile if I just make myself believe I don't have that longing. But then I break down, as I have this afternoon and find I can't continue to fool myself like this. The truth is, I long, I hunger to give and receive love, touch and no one can really fix or satisfy this longing that I have. That's just my nature AS WELL AS my current situation. Maybe its also part of my being human.

So, I have been asking the Lord to show me: 1. His love for me in a deeper way and 2. special people in my life that can help meet at least SOME of those needs that I have both to give and receive love and touch.

And that is the way it will continue to be, i.e., rather than having one person in my life in that special place, I will meet these needs through a composite of appropriate relationships with family, fellow believers at the church, co-workers and friends – male and female.

BUT as I said earlier, this is not easy. This is hard - very hard and at times very lonely.

Sleeping well

2007-12-01T14:32:00.000-06:00

Praise the Lord; I am sleeping well again, without the use of sleeping pills of any kind! It is such a blessing to be able to sleep and I acknowledge it is a gift from the Lord.

For my part, I don't think I have done anything significantly different. Perhaps crying less and being more physically active has helped. Between work and exercise I am probably more tired at night then I had been earlier in my grief experience. Sleep is a wonderful thing when it is not overdone. Thank you, Lord.

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. Psalm 3:4-5

What happens after death?

2007-11-30T15:03:00.000-06:00

...The Bible tells us that after the moment of death, a person is taken to Heaven or Hell based on whether he or she had received Christ as his or her Savior. For believers, after death is to be "away from the body and at home with the Lord" (2 Corinthians 5:6-8; Philippians 1:23). For unbelievers, after death means everlasting punishment in Hell (Luke 16:22-23)... Revelation 20:11-15 describes all those in Hell being cast into the lake of fire. Revelation chapters 21-22 describe a New Heaven and New Earth. Therefore, it seems that until the final resurrection, after death a person resides in a “temporary” Heaven and Hell. A person's eternal destiny will not change, but the precise "location" of a person's eternal destiny will change. At some point after death, believers will be sent to the New Heavens and New Earth (Revelation 21:1). At some point after death, unbelievers will be thrown into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:11-15).

These are the final, eternal destinations of all people - based entirely on whether a person had trusted Jesus Christ alone for the salvation of their sins.
© Copyright 2002-2007 Got Questions Ministries.
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If you want to but do not know how to put your trust in Jesus Christ alone for salvation from sin, I would consider it an honor to talk to and pray with you. - Fred. Please email me or call me.

My new life plan: to be like Enoch of old

2007-11-28T19:44:00.000-06:00

Here is my new life plan that achieves the balance I've sought between my desire to be with the Lord and Jackie on the one hand and on the otherhand to live on walking with and serving the Lord and loving others; I found it in Genesis 5:24:

Enoch walked steadily with God. And then one day he was simply gone: God took him. (MSG)

I am just going to 'walk steadily with God' and get so close to Him that one day He just takes me to be with Him. Simple plan isn’t it? And by God’s Holy Spirit working within me and His grace, that is what I will do.

Care to walk with me?

Vegetables, Sin and Grief

2007-11-27T15:43:00.000-06:00

A blog reader after reading a recent posting, asked me if I had become a vegetarian. No, I haven’t but I believe eating vegetables were the key to Daniel’s success and they can be for me as well. That’s why I was so thrilled to have some good home cooking on my recent trip. On Thanksgiving Day alone, I counted 7 vegetables consumed (and no, none of them were sweet potatoes).

An Old Testament word study on the word fat might yield interesting results. It seems to me; not having done an exhaustive study, that fat is often symbolic of sin. If you do the study, let me know what you find out.

All I know is that I have been eating too much fat. Too much fast food and not enough balanced meals and especially not enough fruit and vegetables. I cannot continue to eat on the road just because I don’t feel like going home and eating alone. I’ve got to eat more frequently and better at home AND when I do eat on the road, make better choices. Being heavy as I am and loaded down with fat in my system tends to drag me down emotionally as well as physically. So you can see why I keep talking about vegetables.

There is a wider point to all of this too. And that is, sin, in any form, makes everything more difficult. If I sin in response to my grief, the grieving is prolonged and hurts more deeply. Unfortunately, I have experiencial knowledge that this is true.

So, no sin in response to grief and plenty of vegetables from now on!
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For "Fat" research, see Leviticus 7:22-38 and other O.T. passages

Expressing His love and mine

2007-11-26T19:25:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful trip, safety, good connections and comfortable warm relationships with everyone. I worked myself up too much before the trip BUT thank you so much for praying.

I am pleasantly surprised this evening that I do not feel a let down having returned to my home after 5 days of traveling, being with friends and family having fun, good conversation, plenty of hugs and good food. I feel very happy to be home and very motivated to take care of things, get organized and prepare for the next week and beyond. Waves of grief no doubt will continue to come (though less often) even as one hit me while I was in Pennsylvania but overall its nice to be home. And I thought I might never say that again. Thank you, Lord.

God is helping me to just love others. It seems that is my most important mission in life no matter whatever else I do. Love family, love my friends, express God’s love and mine. Give them a hug and a word of encouragement. That is my purpose and no title is necessary to do that. I feel very satisfied I could do that when I was with Tim and Gayle and their boys, Conor and Torin.

By God's grace I will continue to express His love and mine.

On traveling, eating vegetables and loving

2007-11-20T08:18:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow I travel to PA. I am not looking forward to the travel but I am definitely looking forward to the visits.

On the negative side, it’s the packing and trying to think of everything, preparing the house and getting my reservations, e-tickets, maps all in order. Lately, I seem to be forgetting things and losing things, having trouble making decisions and it seems packing and traveling brings all that out. And of course, once again I am making a trip alone! Then too, just the idea of traveling on a major holiday: The crowds, the standing in lines, and my bad back, walking to gates, changing gates. Parking the car, getting the shuttle, a big man sitting in small airplane seats, shaking my legs to maintain blood circulation so my cellulitis doesn’t act up, getting off the plane in PA, finding the shuttle to the rental car, finding/driving my route for several hours in the dark (I do have directions). And, it’s supposed to be raining in Lancaster on Wednesday. Wow. Do I need a major attitude adjustment, Lord, if I am going to enjoy the travel part of this trip.

But on the positive side, I am spending this holiday with friends and family whom I love. I get to give and receive love, eat vegetables, sleep soundly, deepen relationships, eat vegetables. Aaron and Marlene were our best friends in Dallas for many years before they moved. We were crushed when they told us they were moving. It has been good to stay in touch from time to time but it will be really good to spend time in their home with them and also to meet their family. Oh, and did I mention, eat vegetables? Then on Friday I plan to visit Jackie’s sister, Winifred, who also lives in the Lancaster area.

Then on to Tim and Gayle's. When Jackie first passed, I couldn't help feeling that there was a big hole she left as a parent (even if they are adults) and as a grandparent. I felt I should step up in my relationship with Paulette and the boys as well as with Tim, Gayle and their boys. But that is God's business really. Instead of a "should" I need to freely express my heart. How I personally really feel and care about them. I am realizing I can't really step in and fulfill the role and relationship Jackie had with them, I can only love them the way Fred would love them. And I do love them all!. So as I go to PA I hope I don’t try too hard to be grandpa to Gayle's young boys. That won't work. I just want to love them and enjoy them. I just want to try a little harder, perhaps, than I did before, to express that love.

Rebuking the Whisperer

2007-11-19T18:06:00.000-06:00

It never ends. It is always the same. No matter how much people interaction I have; no mater how many great and wonderful AND sure promises I have. It is always the same. I am alone.

Once in awhile I am content, most of the time it is the same loneliness. I guess I can see progress. I can eat and sleep in my own house now. It’s just that the gloom still comes back, not all the time and so that is something to be glad about. Nevertheless, the gloom, like a fog on a gray day comes back in and whispers, “you are alone, this is unending”. I am not looking for another mate nor do I doubt God’s presence I just hate talking to myself, cooking for myself (when I do), sleeping alone in the house.

I will get better. Maybe I will eventually celebrate singleness and its few advantages for serving the Lord and others. Maybe, eventually I will be content at home, even extend hospitality to others. But I am not there yet. Surrounded by flat, painful one-dimensional pictures and reminders of what I have lost.

Lord help me to rebuke the whispers of the gloom. The Truth is I am going through the natural process of grieving. I will not have these feelings of loneliness forever. I think I know from whom the wispers out of the gloom are coming from!

Give me Your Grace, Lord, for the present and give me the patience to know that healing and a new normal is on it's way even if it will take some time.

What about you, dear reader of mine? Is the Whisperer telling you lies you need to rebuke?

Struck down but not destroyed

2007-11-17T20:24:00.000-06:00

Oh Jackie, it hurts so much. I miss you, honey. It hurts. Ou, Ou. I love you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you. Oh Sweetie. Everything is the way it is suppose to be but I still miss you soooo much! Ou. Ou. I want to touch you. Hold you. Rub the back of your neck. Comfort you. Pray with you. I miss you soooo much.

Death in the Lord is a good thing. I would go absolutely crazy if I did not know that you were with the Lord and that we are still one in the Lord. How do people go through this without the Lord? I can’t imagine. I love you, honey. I miss you soooo much.

It hurts but we do not mourn like the world mourns. We have hope and we have a peace not like the world gives.

I feel wounded, struck down, alone and yet I am not destroyed. I will survive. Paul put it this way:

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

Lord, this loss seems at times unbearable, especially tonight, but it has not crushed me. At times, I can’t even make a decision, I don’t want to go on and I am utterly overwhelmed, but I have not given up. My pain and my loss are always present, but so are You. I have suffered a powerful blow, a tremendous loss, but I am not destroyed. Amen.

Death, Mourning and Heart change

2007-11-17T15:37:00.000-06:00

Do you go to funerals or do you avoid them? Attending funerals and/or facing the reality of death – your own or that of a loved one, can help you become wise. If you take to heart what can be learned from the experience it can change your values and your priorities. This blog represents some of the ways I have been changing through experiencing Jackie’s death. Here are a few verses from Scripture on the subject:

Ecclesiastes 7 - Wisdom

:1. A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.

:2. It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.

:3. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.

:4. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

Truth Therapy

2007-11-16T19:03:00.000-06:00

(newly translated Scriptures ready to provide "Truth therapy")

1 Corinthians 15:55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

2 Timothy 1:10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.

Hebrews 2:9 But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels, now crowned with glory and honor because he suffered death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

Hebrews 2:14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—

Revelation 1:18 I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.

Romans 14:8 If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Romans 14:9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

1 Thessalonians 4:14 We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

1 Thessalonians 5:10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him.

2 Timothy 2:11 Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him;

Becoming a whole person

2007-11-13T16:23:00.000-06:00

A single person admonished me, “Remember, Fred, as a single, you are still a whole person.” That was good advice but not necessarily accurate math right after the loss of your spouse. It takes time to “grow back” the missing parts of your life. You have to adjust and decide what things you will do and what things you will let go. When I began to lose Jackie this summer as her condition worsened it was a horrible, painful tearing apart. The result was raw emotional wounds and missing practical functioning parts of my life. The two of us, like many couples, had truly become one. No wonder I have felt like and functioned like roughly “a half a person”.

I can see now that I am becoming a whole person but still there is a huge emotional and functional gap in my daily life. God is helping me to heal and rebuild but still it takes time for a grieving spouse to heal from the emotional wounds and be a functioning whole person. By ‘leaning into my grief’ and asking God’s help and doing the hard things, I am healing.

Bridging the separation gap

2007-11-11T22:17:00.000-06:00

I think about being with the Lord and with Jackie everyday. I feel like I shouldn’t be here but for some reason I am. The separation is so acute it is painful. However, I have always struggled with a sense of pain of separation from the Lord. I could never walk with the Lord as consistently as I wanted to. I would wander in and out of His presence. Separation is the state of being I live in. That feeling is only enhanced now that Jackie is gone.

I really don’t want to be here. I want to be with the Lord and with Jackie. Yet, somehow, in the midst of these feelings I have a new respect, a new sense of importance for this life. Maybe its because I am here and They are not. I am carrying on for Them. This weekend I had the strongest sensation that The Lord and Jackie were on board my vehicle with me; that they were coming along for the ride and for the visit. I told Brandon that.

Now you may think I have completely flipped out but hear me out, first. Why would they come on board with me? I believe because They needed me to fulfill a mission of love. As I meditated on that reason, it made being alive here on earth suddenly more precious. And as I drove I began to cry and worship the Lord. You see, we, you and I, only have this short period of time to be Christ’s body. The saints who have gone before are cheering us on. They are all interceding for us. They want to see God’s work accomplished through us, see His righteousness and love shared. I want to be with Jesus and with Jackie but I am here to fulfill the work of Christ still needing to be done and this is the only time I can do it. While I am alive, in the flesh, on the earth.

Furthermore, when I do Christ’s work in the way He directs me I am not as acutely aware of the separation I normally feel from the Lord or from Jackie. I don’t want to waste anymore time. Its painful enough being here, being separated, to also just “kill time” indulging the flesh is stupid. It only makes the feelings of separation worse.

The only way to bridge the separation gap is to make the time I have here count. This life soon enough passes away and only what I do for Christ will last. But now I have a problem: I don’t know how to bridge the separation gap on a consistent basis. I can talk a good game; I know lots of Scriptures but in actual practice too much of my life has been about me and my fleshly appetites. What a waste of time.

Lord help me to walk so close to you on a consistent basis that I am not aware of any separation. Please come on board with me often as I do your work and as I love your people, as I show your love to my family, friends and those that are lost.

The emotional side of loss:

2007-11-09T00:34:00.000-06:00

I am really feeling it tonight as I spend the entire evening alone in the house busily getting ready to go on a trip tomorrow.

It feels so strange washing clothes, washing dishes, putting a Christmas table cloth on the table and you are not part of any of it. I never expected to out live you. I never wanted to live without you. I hate this. I miss you so much Jackie, it hurts. Listen to me, I am crying out loud right now. It feels so strange packing for a trip tonight without you. I’ll go alone tomorrow and spend the weekend with Brandon in Oklahoma but I will take you with me in my heart and I will love him for you as well as for me.

I know that this is reality, even the way it is suppose to be in God’s plan. I don’t have to like it right now. I go forward, making plans, going places, preparing for the holidays and you are not part of any of it.

The Word tells me I am surrounded by saints who have gone before therefore I do believe you are close by. I also carry you and our shared values with me in my heart wherever I go. I really do believe you are right now in the Lord's presence in a much better place. And yet it just feels so wrong that you had to suffer all spring and summer and are gone now. We thought there was so much living yet to do. So much family time and our time yet to be lived and shared.

Please help me Lord to have your perspective. Help me Lord to live out my days doing what You want me to do. Help me to demonstrate your love to family and to friends. Help me to hear and follow Your Spirit’s leading. Help me to be courageous. Keep me emotionally stable.

The non-emotional side of loss:

2007-11-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

The non-emotional side: listing what I have lost then taking appropriate steps to be functional again.

I lost my wallet. Don’t know where. Have retraced my steps, called stores. Just don’t know for sure.

So this morning I spent time on the phone, stopping credit cards, ordering a couple of new ones, going to the bank and getting to order a new debit card and get some cash. Get a temporary driver’s license and order the replacement one. Order another AAA card, get another proof of insurance certificate out of the file, notify Hope for the Heart to stop my credit cards and order another one.

At first I felt shock, then confusion and panic. Then I calmed down, listed my losses and then took action to see what I would need to do to function again. Some things like the cash in the wallet is gone forever as well as a few pictures. So for a short time, I was totally not functional and still for the next couple of weeks until all of the replacements come in I will not be at full speed. Once my losses are dealt with I will be functional and whole again.

Of course, recovering from loss is more than a practical, logical step by step return to full functionality. But it is helpful to figure out how you are going to compensate for your specific areas of loss.

The emotional side of loss is another matter. It doesn’t yield to logic and control and in fact it is dangerous to try and control it.

State of the Fred report

2007-11-06T08:09:00.000-06:00

Thought I would just give an update on how I think I am doing. Use the comment feature to let me know how you are doing as well.

Praise the Lord for sleep - 2 good nights in a row. It helped that I was so tired from not having slept Saturday night! I am learning that too much computer or TV time late at night is not helpful. Too much stimulation and too much light.

I made supper last night for myself and sat down at the table to eat it - first time I've done that! Now, if I buy some fruit today and actually eat it, I will start to have a healthy lifestyle again. I still need to bump up my exercise level. I have an annual physical scheduled for January.

My 11-7pm work schedule seems to fit my life and sleep cycle very well. At work, I am becoming more involved, more proactive, less needing to talk about my grief and more about other matters. I probably wouldn't have done as much personal sharing as I have except that everyone at work has been so kind and wanting to know.

Still, periods, moments of grief come and go unannounced and I understand that will always be the case.

I am going to Tulsa this weekend to visit my (step) grandson, Brandon; Paulette's oldest. For Thanksgiving I am going to Pennsylvania. I'll have dinner and visit with old friends with Wycliffe, Aaron and Marlene and their family. On Friday, on my way over to Tim and Gayle's I plan to visit briefly with Jackie's sister, Winifred. Then with Tim and Gayle's and the boys for a few days. Paulette and I talk or text frequently and have dinner together every couple of weeks. It has been a blessing to continue and broaden the relationship that was forged during the days at the hospital caring for Jackie. At Christmas, Tim and Gayle are coming to Texas. They also plan to visit friends Gayle has known for years (since she spent her teenage years here in Texas).

I talk to my Mom (age 85) in Virginia on the phone nearly everyday and talk or text my sister Nancy almost daily. She has been wonderful and checks up on me regularly.

I've been on activities with the men of my adult Sunday School class and participated in class socials. This almost daily blog writing has been a therapeutic outlet for me and has touched a few others along the way. I have not stayed isolated, though it was a temptation for awhile. I call people on the phone if I need support or prayer or just to catch up with what is going on in their lives.

Hope for the Heart, where I work, has been a wonderful place for me. Everyone from administration to co-workers have been encouraging and supportive. I like what I do and like being part of something that furthers the kingdom of God.

My goals are simple right now. Simplify the house, put my unique stamp on it. I am motivated to keep working on that. My other goal is to have a healthy lifestyle.

I am content wearing my wedding ring and remaining single.

I look eagerly forward to being with the Lord but do not have a morbid fascination about heaven or death nor do I lack desire to press forward in my life. I am taking care of financial matters. I am blessed that I have no debts except a small mortgage and the normal monthly expenses.

I thank God for His comforting presence in my life. I miss Jackie everyday but am moving forward.

"Leaning into my grief" when it revisits

2007-11-05T23:16:00.000-06:00

I’ve heard this expression in several different contexts so don’t know who to attribute it to. It means to face or confront my grief. It means that it will come back and when it does, I need to embrace it, express it – whether I do that through my writing, talking to others, crying, smiling, praying.

I am beginning to understand from the grief literature that I can never expect in my lifetime to be totally free from the pain of this major loss nor should or can I declare at some future point that I am totally healed of the pain of my loss. In short, my heart will never again be the same. I will never forget Jackie; I will never stop loving her and I will never stop grieving my loss.

Some theologians may disagree with me here but I am going to borrow and modify a verse from the epistle of John. I will state that if any man (or woman) says he (she) is “totally healed” of their major loss of a spouse or other close loved one they are a liar and the truth is not in them. That person’s grief simply has not been resolved and they are refusing to acknowledge it any longer (if they ever did). This is an extremely dangerous and emotionally and even mentally unhealthy situation.

So what can I or any person who has suffered a major loss, expect? We can expect that the intensity of the pain will decrease over time, especially if we allow ourselves to feel and express grief when it comes over us, i.e. leaning in to the pain. But it will revisit periodically without warning.

By leaning into the pain when it revisits I:
Ø can expect to become increasingly functional, flourish again and become fruitful.
Ø prevent emotional paralysis
Ø stay healthy emotionally
Ø enjoy the memories and the love I have for Jackie.

Occasional returning of grief reminds me I will never be the same and that is a good thing. Returning grief keeps me healthy and humble and focused on God and heaven.

It is as though God allows Jackie to return to me periodically through my grief in order to accomplish good things in me that might not otherwise be accomplished. I just need to embrace it. Lean into it.

Catching up with the Truth

2007-11-04T05:06:00.000-06:00

I don’t know why I can’t sleep. Just look at the time of this posting! I didn’t take any sleep aids tonight- maybe that’s why. I did spend late morning, all afternoon and evening in the house but four of those hours I wasn’t alone, as Todd came over and did some plumbing work for me. So it is not like I was alone with my thoughts for the whole time. But some how, my mind is wired and won’t shut down.

At first, I am not aware of any grieving thoughts – it’s just that I am awake. But then as the evening turns to midnight and beyond I begin to grieve at a low level. I start to shake my head, “can’t believe she’s dead. Its incredible. Oh honey, I miss you terribly”.

Its not that I have any problem with the factuality, the reality that Jackie is gone. I know she is not going to walk in that door any minute. I have no expectation of that. So, I am told that’s one step in the grieving process that I have moved past. So, what do I mean when I say, “I don’t believe she is dead.”? I do believe it – now. I know the truth and accept it and it is setting me free to move on. It is just that sometimes the truth, the reality of it all is a reality that is too big to encompass. It seems too overwhelming. My mind says its true, and that’s a healthy healing thing but on the other hand my emotions just gasp and become overloaded sometimes. I just have to catch up with the truth.

Maybe it works that way in the rest of my Christian walk as well - I just have to catch up with, take it all in, accept on an emotional and heart level the Truth, whether that Truth is harsh or wonderful to hear. Then I begin to move ahead and experience victory, healing and rest. Especially rest!

Being concrete and specific

2007-11-02T09:21:00.000-05:00

Grieving a loss, especially of the magnitude of a beloved spouse or other loved one is a progressive thing. You simply cannot comprehend all that you have lost and all the ramifications of that loss at one time. Perhaps that is why it is suggested that you list what you have lost. The purpose is not to dwell on or prolong your sense of grief but actually to work THROUGH it. For example, I have lost:
My best earthly friend
My…
Ø greeter when I come home
Ø fellow debriefer at the end of the day
Ø sister in the Lord
Ø prayer partner, prayer supporter, prayer warrior
Ø hugger, lover,
Ø person I communicate with throughout the day
Ø encourager
Ø truth teller
Ø financial record keeper
Ø marital status
Ø income from her social security
Ø co-decision maker and planner
Ø clothes washer
Ø homemaker
Ø Etc…

I am not finished with the list. Jackie was so much a part of my daily life and who I am. It will take a long time to rebuild but God is helping me and I can be whole again. Facing my losses in their various facets actually helps move through the grief process on to healing.

May I also encourage you to make a list of what you are thankful for in your spouse, children, parents or other loved ones while they are with you and share it with them. Jackie and I did that frequently for one another - verbally, in cards and notes and it deepened our relationship. Saying I love you is great and unconditional love is great. But it is also helpful to be concrete and specific about what you love and appreciate about your love one. Do it today.

Free to be me

2007-11-01T16:56:00.000-05:00

I really appreciate the emphasize in the GriefShare program materials and video on the unique way in which each person grieves. It helps set me free not to be concerned that others might think I am going too quickly or too slowly in the process. Not that I have received very many “shoulds” from others. On the contrary, I am blessed to be surrounded by wise, sensitive and supportive friends and family. Very few people have said well intentioned but hurtful things like I have heard about. Statements like:

“you should have thrown her clothes away by now” or
“you need to get married” or
"You should be over it by now, pull yourself together.”

But apparently enough people who have gone through the grieving process have heard these kind of hurtful things that the writers and producers of the GriefShare materials felt it important to assure us that we are each unique and will grieve at our own pace and in our own way.

This is very liberating. I sense a certain degree of freedom and even joy in the midst of the grief process just knowing it is OK to be me. So in the midst of one of the worse events of my life, I am actually experiencing how freeing it feels to be me.

Freedom to let others be themselves is a good thing to carry on beyond the grief process. We probably all put too many expectations on one another and on our selves. This prevents them and us from experiencing freedom - freedom to manifest our unique personality, freedeem to express our creativity or free to choose our career path. There are so many applications to this principle.

We need to give others, especially family members, the freedom to make choices and express themselves. Even the Lord gives people freedom to choose. That way, when they decide to go His way, they are still free. And Christ breaks the power of sin in our life and then we no longer have that bondage either!

Grief: Car Bombs and sniper attacks

2007-10-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

Grief can be compared to a soldier riding in a tank going along a road in Iraq. If you ask him “how is it going?”, he might say, “Going great, it’s a beautiful day; I am enjoying my buddies and fighting for a good cause. Of course I can’t wait to get back home.” A minute or so later, a car bomb goes off nearby or a sniper takes a shot and he is hit. The soldier is hurt but he will survive. He will recover and he will keep on serving in the field of battle.

Living with grief is like this in many ways. You are a good foot soldier, just trying to fight the 'good fight'. One minute you are doing fine, the next minute you are hit with an ambush of emotions. There is no published schedule, no known pattern, it just hits you, zaps you for awhile and then moves on. The only things that remain constant are:

1. you survive and recover,
2. you keep pressing on and
3. you can’t wait to get Home.

Lord, help me to sleep tonight

2007-10-29T01:06:00.000-05:00

If only I wasn’t such an emotional person. If only I hadn’t loved her so much. Crazy thoughts. Is this a dream? It can’t be I am still wide-awake. Can it really be? It was not suppose to be this way. I’m the one who didn’t take care of myself. You’re not supposed to be dead.

Don’t use that word, Fred. Don’t say, “suppose to” and don’t ask the question “why” either. You’ll drive yourself mad.

Lord, help me stay grounded and logical. I remind myself just how very, very sick she was. The cortisol was progressively aging and killing her. The stroke took her alertness away and caused her systems to crash. Dr. Moody said it was the largest tumor he had ever seen. It is all documented. It was all observable. It all makes sense. But now it seems crazy and unbelievable. How can it be? But I (along with Paulette) were there on a daily basis. If I can’t answer that question, nobody can. I saw it. I experienced it. Jackie is okay now. She is safe with Jesus. No more pain. She is waiting for the resurrection. She is praying. She has rested from her pain and her labor and her diligence. She no longer sees through a glass dimly but rather sees Him face to face. Halleluah and it’s all good. It is right.

So, Lord, help me to sleep now! Help me to go on. We are like a flower that quickly fades. Help me to finish this race well. I’ll try not to say “suppose to” and ask “why” anymore. Please help me to sleep. Fill me with your presence. Give me joy in knowing You and in knowing that my Jackie, I mean our Jackie, is in a good place in your presence. PLEASE help me to sleep tonight.

A Sense of urgency.

2007-10-28T11:25:00.000-05:00

Jackie and I had a modest house by American middle class standards, about 1400+ sq. feet. In fact, our community of Cedar Hill has passed a zoning ordinance that now no longer allows houses under 2,000 sq. feet to be built – guess they want to keep the “riff-raff” out!

I t is amazing how much 2 Americans living on a modest budget with modest, sometimes frugal tastes still manage to accumulate in terms of possessions, paper (files, books, etc…), decorative items, even furniture!

I think it is the Lord who is giving me this sense of urgency to clean, toss and get the house ready for…. Something? But I am not sure what. Maybe I just see it as something I can do now. Maybe it’s the possibility of Tim, Gayle and family coming for Christmas. I certainly don’t have any plans to move anytime soon (I don't retire for another 3 ½ years). Perhaps I am pushing on this project because Jackie and I always talked about major cleaning and tossing. Certainly we would do some culling periodically but now I am doing a major overhaul of the house.

Someday, I will be leaving this house for whatever reason. From a practical sense, I don’t want Paulette, since she lives locally, to have to do this. I am not getting any younger so I want to take care of this now while I still have the energy and strength. I do want to be free to be with friends or minister without being encumbered by concern about taking care of the house. And I do think I will be absent on weekends more in the future as I do some in the States traveling to family, etc… Maybe I will be going to heaven shortly (but please note: Though I’ve made my reservation I don’t have any immediate plans).

Maybe this sense of urgency feels so right because it is very Biblical to be unencumbered by the things of this world. Primarily that means sin, which so easily entangles us. But I think it also means not loving the world or the things in this world. It means traveling lightly and being flexible to respond to the leading of the Lord. I have no debts other than a small mortgage but I want my house to be as simple and uncluttered and as well repaired as possible.