Tim Eimer: Among the anguish and anxiety grow the promises of God

Dear friends,
It’s Mother’s Day, and I'm sick. What a perfect metaphor for this disease. More than anyone, my wife needs a day of rest, but now, she will need to pick up the slack for my illness because the chemotherapy tore up my insides all night long. Cancer respects no holiday, and honors no one.

I had a rough week. Flu like symptoms descend on me each evening driving me to the toilet again and again and churning my gut into a queasy brew of pain and nausea.

The daily fight against the symptoms weakens me. I feel like I am forced to brawl a bully everyday after school; my strength slips away in a haze of fatigue and lost pounds. discouragement pries open the door to my thoughts allowing fear and anxiety to slink in. When can I feel normal again? What will next week’s scan reveal? What if I am going thorough all this for nothing? Why doesn't God stop all this?

I attended the funeral of friend last week, and between the dozen trips to the bathroom, one statement about his life struck me. This revered man of God wrestled with a fear of death. My own wrestling matches rage on daily. Doubts storm my mind like a barrage of fiery arrows. At times, I doubt God’s existence. (I pray hard for atheists for they have the most wretched faith.) I wonder if God’s grace covers me. Perhaps I have slipped out from under salvation’s covering? Fear of growing tumors, approaching death and eternal damnation hammer away at me daily. How could all this be happening to me? I try to put on the helmet of salvation to block the assault, but it doesn't always work (1 Thessalonians 5:8).

Desperately, I scour the Psalms for reassuring promises, but I find David’s cries of anguish to match my own. His aching prayers echo mine.

• "Lord, please listen, I'm crying for help (Psalm 141:1)."
• "I pour out my complaints; I tell you my troubles. I am overwhelmed. I cry out and plead for God’s mercy (Psalm 142:1-3)."
• "Lord, why do you withdraw from me when I need you most (Psalm 10:1)."
• "Lord, how long will you forget me? (Psalm 13:1)"
• "I am losing hope. I am paralyzed with fear. Listen to my prayer, Oh Lord. Hear my plea (Psalm 143:1-3)." "From the depths of despair, I cry out to you for help (Psalm 130:1)."
• "O Lord, God of my salvation, I have cried out to you day and night. Now hear my prayer (Psalm 88:1-2)."

By my count, forty three psalms begin with a cry for help, a plea for mercy, a call to be rescued. David and the psalmists were well acquainted with my desperate state of mind. But planted among the anguish and anxiety grow the promises of God, towering trees of refuge rising up from the fertile but black soil of suffering, disappointment and fear. I recite those promises as my own.

• I have stilled and quieted myself (Psalm 131:2).
• God, you knit me together in the womb (Psalm 139:13).
• You made me and won't abandon me (Psalm 138:8).
• Before I was born, you laid out every moment of my life (Psalm 139:16).
• You, O God, are behind me, and you go out before me into my future moments of despair (Psalm 139:5).
• You wait for me on the date of my death. I am precious in your thoughts (Psalm 139:17),
• and your thoughts about me outnumber the sand grains of all the world’s beaches (Psalm 139:18).
• You remain close to me because I call upon you honestly (Psalm 145:18).
• The godly crowd around me for you treat me with kindness (Psalm 142:7).
• I remember your great works (Psalm 143:5),
• the glimpses of heaven you sent me, your soothing dreams, the prayers of the saints that lifted me from despair, the startling good medical news, the countless signs you have laid on my path over the past four years. My heart takes confidence in you (Psalm 108:1).
• You keep no record of my sins (Psalm 130:3).
• Your salvation overflows my soul (Psalm 130:7).
• You promise to be my light and salvation (Psalm 27:1).
• I will not be shaken for you are my salvation and rock (Psalm 62:2).
• I love you, Lord, for you hear and answer my prayers (Psalm 116:1).

Just by writing this letter, I feel better, more centered. I'm weak and feeling sick again, but my mind is at rest. Thank you for listening.

God bless,
Tim

Remember to celebrate: simple thoughts for a birthday

today was Jackie's birthday. Happy birthday my love.

She would have been 68. She did not even make it out of her 60s. I miss her so much. She loved birthdays. She liked to celebrate hers and others.

Of course now she is in endless celebration with the Lord. Everyday is a special occasion.

But as long as I remain I need to celebrate others. Their birthdays, their victories, their very lives. Give gifts even when not a special event, send a note, love at all times. Lord help me to do that joyously but also diligently. Write it down, make a plan, execute the plan. Whether it is to send an email, send a card, give a check, buy a gift.

Meanwhile, I look forward to that day when time is complete and we are all with Jesus. Those of us who know and love Him that is.

Tim Eimer: The good God wants for me is...

Dear Friends,

The same symptoms persist. Blisters on my feet continue to make walking difficult. Chronic digestive symptoms steal many hours of sleep from me, and fatigue has taken up permanent residence down at my core. Anxious thoughts about the results of next month’s scans flit through my mind everyday, and a pervasive discouragement weighs down my spirit, heavy shackles of fear and worry. Discouragement cracks open the door to temptation and sin. I hear myself complaining more than giving thanks (Philippians 2:14). My mind remains mired in the temporary struggles on this bit of rock instead of being filled with the unseen realities of heaven and my new life in Christ (Colossians 3:1-2). Impatiently, I withhold grace and love from those closest to me, from my family and friends and students (Proverbs 3:27-28). Fear and dismay rock my soul and shake my faith (Isaiah 41:10). I dwell on my troubles, and even a month of prayers provided little peace in my soul (Philippians 4:7) I find myself bargaining with God, exchanging favors for the promise of healing (Luke 4:12). I struggled to be thankful despite my circumstances (1 Thessalonians 5:18). But why not give in to my pet sins? I’m suffering; I deserve it; who’s going to blame me?

Well, we all know who. Obviously, I lost sight of the purpose God has for me during this little trial called cancer. I should have expected this trial, or at least one like it. Trails and troubles walk hand in hand with our lives (1 Thessalonians 3:3). I was born to trouble just as sparks fly from the fire (Job 5:7). My tears and pain and death don’t get taken off the table until the old order has past away (Revelation 21:4). This month, God needed to remind me to snap out of my self pity. Discouragement is not part of the plan.

I also lost sight of why God placed me in this trial. This cancer tests my faith, purging it of weakness and revealing its strength and purity (1 Peter 1:7). Through this disease, I taste a bit of the sweetness Job discovered. God’s plan for my existence ends in good overflowing with mercy I do not deserve (James 5:11). The purpose of this trial is to come through it with a strong, blameless and holy heart and to be able to stand before Christ on Judgment Day without a trace of shame, guilt or regret (1 Thessalonians 3:13). The grand design for every blister on my foot, every night run to the bathroom, every dart of doubt about the tumors in my lungs is to work each of them for my good (Romans 8:28). The good He is working toward is not a pain free, symptom free, carefree life for me. His good is to mold and craft and forge my spirit and soul into a perfect mirror image of Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). Each small trial tethers me to this hidden process at work in me. The good God wants for me is the complete suppression in this life and eradication in the next life of my sinful nature, a nature forever hostile to Him. His good for me is the absolute control of my heart by the Holy Spirit that I may enjoy a complete life and perfect peace (Romans 8:6).

----------------------------------

So I guess I can endure the symptoms for a while longer.

I covet your prayers, especially for my discouragement and fears. Despite all my lofty words, I often find myself weary with worry.

God bless,

Tim

Editor's (Fred) note: After meditating on Tim's message and praying for him, here is an assignment that can help you take away some important lessons. Why not list all the ways you would complete the title sentence, "The good God wants for me is..." based on Tim's message and the Scriptures included. Send it to Tim or to the blog. I'll pass it on to Tim. Let him know how he has blessed you.

Jesus is the First Fruit of more to come!

From the Old Testament, we read God’s instructions to His people:

9-14 God spoke to Moses: "Tell the People of Israel, When you arrive at the land that I am giving you and reap its harvest, bring to the priest a sheaf of the first grain that you harvest. He will wave the sheaf before God for acceptance on your behalf; on the morning after Sabbath, the priest will wave it. On the same day that you wave the sheaf, offer a year-old male lamb without defect for a Whole-Burnt-Offering to God and with it the Grain-Offering of four quarts of fine flour mixed with oil—a Fire-Gift to God, a pleasing fragrance—and also a Drink-Offering of a quart of wine. Don't eat any bread or roasted or fresh grain until you have presented this offering to your God. This is a perpetual decree for all your generations to come, wherever you live. Leviticus 23:9-14 (The Message)


In I Cor 15:20 ff Paul compares the fact of Jesus’ resurrection to the harvest that takes place every year. It was the custom of the Israelites to bring the very first “fruits” of the harvest to the Temple as a Thanksgiving Offering. In so doing, they recognized that the harvest itself was a gift from God and not something for which they were to take for granted. By offering the very first portion of the harvest, they were, in fact, consecrating the entire harvest to God. The very term itself recognizes that there is more to come.

By using this metaphor, Paul is stating in symbolic terms that we will share in the resurrection as well. Just as the first portion of the harvest signals that there is more to come, Jesus’ resurrection signals that we too will share in that resurrection.

This gives me great joy and comfort. Happy Easter. Happy Resurrection Day! Hallelujah. He is Risen indeed.

Tim Eimer: ...my present suffering cannot compare to our future glory

Dear friends,

This has been a frustrating month. The blisters on my feet have hurt continuously for five weeks, and after a temporary reprieve with a new probiotic, my intestinal pain also returned. I preached the past two weeks about Jarius and the woman with the blood disease (Luke 8: 40-56), and the sermons were a success because God spoke to me during their preparation. He impressed upon me James’ exhortation in James 1:2-5 to welcome my present troubles with joy because my trials are perfecting my faith, but this past week, I told God plainly that I find no joy in these persistent health annoyances. My cantankerous attitude prevented me from writing a new update to you and shoved me into a state of self-pity.

Then in His providence, I read a powerful chapter last night about our Lord’s torturous ordeal at the hands of the Romans and the angry mob in a Stephen Lawhead book titled The Black Rood (chapter 36). The chapter was especially poignant as I have been praying about and meditating on the upcoming Easter season. While reading the description of our Lord’s crucifixion, my own minor pains quickly faded to insignificance. I felt compelled to camp out in Romans 8 this morning where God’s perspective crystallized to an ever-sharpened focus. I do groan for a release from this earthly pain and suffering, for the day I receive the full rights as God’s son, for the new resurrected body he promised me, and for my new found freedom (verse 23), but my present suffering cannot compare to our future glory (verse 18). I felt power emanating from God’s word this morning and experienced a taste of the powerful freedom I have from sin and death (verse 2). The self-pity of my sinful nature need not control me; I am controlled by the Spirit (verse 9), and in my distress, the Holy Spirit prays for me with a language too complex to fathom (verse 26). Even now, my sore feet and upset stomach are working toward my good, which is to be conformed to the image of Jesus (verses 28-29). My health troubles now and the threat of death from cancer in the months to come cannot separate me from the love of Christ (verse 35). Be encouraged, my friends. As brothers and sisters of Jesus, we stand blameless before the God of the universe (verse30) and will share in His vast treasures for everything God has given to His Son, he has also granted to us.

Enjoy a blessed Easter,

Tim

PS: Some of you have asked about hearing my sermons. The sermons from the past two weeks can be heard or downloaded from our church’s website at www.hccwg.org. Click “messages” then “recent sermons.”

Tim Eimer: God's will - always be thankful

Dear friends,
The nightmares started last week. My son is ripped out of our car window, and I must track him down. Fleeing a situation of temptation, I drive through riot rocked streets, lost and on the run. I seek out a woman and discover a hideous injury has marred her face. As I write this letter, it is 4:00 AM , the time these dreams yank me out of a sound sleep.

My feet throb. Walking was painful again this week, and upset stomachs stirred up havoc throughout my teaching days. My patience evaporated in moments this week. Last night, I brought tears to older son’s eyes during homework time, and minutes ago, my youngest woke up wet and throwing a fit. I cursed right in front of him. That’s a new sin for me. The many tasks of my days overwhelmed my thoughts this week causing me to make mistakes and feel like I’m clawing through my “to do” lists unable to stay on top of life’s demands. For the first time in twenty three years, I shut the door of my classroom on Tuesday and just wept. (No, students were not in the room at the time.) Needless to say, my week is not going well.

One thought echoed through my mind upon waking up this morning. Be thankful. No matter what happens, be thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18 ). Be thankful; the absolute last thing I want to hear from God. I want to hear, “Tim, this is the last week of the symptoms.” Tim, this ordeal will soon be over, and you can have you nice life back.” “Tim, this drug is messing with your head so I will not lay these sins at your feet.” But over and over again, God whispered to me. Be thankful. Always be joyful. Keep on praying. Be patient with everyone. Regardless of what happens to you, always be thankful, for this is my will for you because you belong to Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:14 - 18). Certainly God’s will should be to relieve my pain. Without a doubt, God’s will should be that I am cured. Clearly anyone can see, God’s will for my life should be that I have a life to care for my family and raise my boys and minister to my students, but the only message I hear from my omnipotent God is to be thankful.

Apparently I have never properly learned this lesson. I thank God for my blessings each morning, but this runs deeper. Throughout my day, the Spirit prompts me to give thanks when a trip to the school office seems like a trek up Everest, when I consider moving my computer into the bathroom, when I wake up in the dead of night and He compels me to write a letter. So I’ll start with all of you. Thank you, lord, for my many friends who pray and care for me. That’s a good start.

God bless,

T

Tim Eimer: Endure the race God has set before you

Dear friends,
In recent weeks, the chemotherapy symptoms have receded, but it is still a daily battle. At times I wake in the middle of the night with my hands or feet throbbing like raw burns. Some weeks I can play basketball; other days I hobble about on blisters. Each night near dinnertime, stomach virus symptoms hit me, and after an exhausting fight, I often crash into bed at 8:00. I feel guilty even mentioning my problems when I know so many of you suffer with chronic pain. I admire your perseverance and enduring faith.

This past month, God seeded my thoughts with this idea of endurance. Today, like many other days, discouragement grapples for control of my thoughts and soul, and the Spirit prompts me to see beyond my warring emotions and rest in the goodness of God. His faithful love endures forever (Psalm 106:1).

This hard patch in my life is an opportunity for joy. This trial tests my faith and churns up fertile ground to revitalize my endurance. When my endurance grows to full stature, my character will be strong and complete and lack nothing (James 1:2-4). To receive all God has promised me and continue in His will, I need patient endurance (Hebrews 10:36).

God reminds me of the great honor He bestowed on Job for His endurance. God is filled with tenderness and mercy; His plan for Job ended in good; His plan for me will end in goodness; amazing grace is also His plan for you even amidst your troubles (James 5:11). Though we endure many trials for now, wonderful joy awaits us, boundless mercy, resurrection to a new life, a priceless inheritance, the salvation of our souls (1 Peter 1:3-6). As our faith is refined by our fiery trials to a purity beyond gold, its strength will one day bring us glory and praise and honor on the day Jesus reveals Himself to the world (1 Peter 1:7).

I know this letter finds many of you in trials and trouble; that is our perpetual condition on this planet. I encourage you to endure the race God has set before you. Strip off everything that slows you down. Fix your sight on the Author and Perfecter of our faith. A great cloud of witnesses to our lives of faith surround us even now and roar a great cheer for us (Hebrews 12: 1-4). We believe we are more than conquerors through Christ; they know it (Romans 8:37).

I heard a great pastor speak on suffering recently. He said God will always delivers us from our suffering.

• He will deliver us from it, or
• He will deliver us through it, or
• He will deliver us in it.

My doctor told me today my long-term prognosis is completely unknown; this experimental drug has only been used in this small study for three years. Some patients are doing well; others are not. God did not deliver me from this trial, and I do not know if He will deliver me through it or in it, but if He does not, He lends me the strength to endure it each day.

God bless,
Tim