Lord, help me to sleep tonight

If only I wasn’t such an emotional person. If only I hadn’t loved her so much. Crazy thoughts. Is this a dream? It can’t be I am still wide-awake. Can it really be? It was not suppose to be this way. I’m the one who didn’t take care of myself. You’re not supposed to be dead.

Don’t use that word, Fred. Don’t say, “suppose to” and don’t ask the question “why” either. You’ll drive yourself mad.

Lord, help me stay grounded and logical. I remind myself just how very, very sick she was. The cortisol was progressively aging and killing her. The stroke took her alertness away and caused her systems to crash. Dr. Moody said it was the largest tumor he had ever seen. It is all documented. It was all observable. It all makes sense. But now it seems crazy and unbelievable. How can it be? But I (along with Paulette) were there on a daily basis. If I can’t answer that question, nobody can. I saw it. I experienced it. Jackie is okay now. She is safe with Jesus. No more pain. She is waiting for the resurrection. She is praying. She has rested from her pain and her labor and her diligence. She no longer sees through a glass dimly but rather sees Him face to face. Halleluah and it’s all good. It is right.

So, Lord, help me to sleep now! Help me to go on. We are like a flower that quickly fades. Help me to finish this race well. I’ll try not to say “suppose to” and ask “why” anymore. Please help me to sleep. Fill me with your presence. Give me joy in knowing You and in knowing that my Jackie, I mean our Jackie, is in a good place in your presence. PLEASE help me to sleep tonight.