a sense of finality...

I had a hard time yesterday evening and today. The monument company placed the cemetery marker yesterday. When I went to see it, it was beautiful with a cross and praying hands on the stone along with Jackie’s full name, dates and the words, “wife, mother, friend” along the bottom. I did not have an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions but I did feel very sad and I felt a sense of finality and closure about it all. I guess seeing it set in stone like that makes it seem permanent.

After 24 hours of those feelings, my mood actually gradually improved this evening as I began to work around the house. I am continuing to clear off surfaces, get rid of old files, books, even some of my clothes. Tonight I moved a piece of furniture. As I do these things I am finding a greater degree of comfort in being in the house alone. Not that I am entirely over these emotions of saddness and loneliness, but at first, whenever I would come in to the house not only was I still very emotional, but the house had the appearance of just the way Jackie left it. Slowly, inevitably, as I do things in the house it is starting to take on more of my touch. Since I am not planning to move anytime soon, it occured to me that I needed to slowly change things around in the house to give it a new look. Not only getting rid of clutter (most of which I was responsible for), but rearranging things, eventually I may do things like new flooring and paint the walls. These things needed refurbishing anyway.

Of course I will never forget Jackie and probably never totally stop grieving for her and I will never stop loving her and her family. However, it seems as I move forward that God is in the process of bringing healing and new things into my life.