On being H.O.T.

I don't believe any living soul has heard me when I have really cried and screamed over my pain and grief. Fortunately, these times are becoming fewer, further between and of shorter duration. Sometimes I actually go a whole week without any kind of emotional outburst.

Grieving customs among the Crow Indians of Montana where I served, in ancient Israel and in much of the non-western world seem to allow for a greater outward expression of grief compared to our society. Loud wailing and tearing of clothes, fasting, head coverings are outward expressions we see by both men and women in some of these cultures. Not only does the person most closely connected to the loss mourn and weep out loud but so do friends, and family. In our culture, we may share in expressions of mourning by offering a hug or a Kleenex. Of course many provide other tangible acknowledgements of grief such as providing meals, attending services and sending cards. I have also been blessed by ongoing follow up through phone calls and conversations. But generally, grieving is a private matter in our culture. And even in private, I read, that many westerners, especially men in our culture apparently stifle emotional expressions.

I am always very conscious of my emotions and walk away from people if I sense that I am about to be overcome with emotion. Why have i done this? Why can I/we not express our emotions of grief more freely? Is it embarrassment? Is it a sign of weakness in our culture? Maybe when a friend or family member loses someone to death, we should gather around and cry aloud with him or her. Perhaps it would be very cathartic and thus very healing. The bible does admonish us after all to not only rejoice with those who rejoice but to also weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15).

I am pleased on the one hand, when people say to me, “Fred, you seem to be doing so well”, yet on the other hand, I think to myself, “but if you only knew and could have seen and heard me an hour ago!” . Oh, I try to be honest in my short sentence responses and not just give a glib response to the oft asked question, “So, how are you doing?”. I’ll say something like, "I’ve been really struggling lately, or the holidays have been difficult, thanks for asking". This blog has probably been my most effective way of letting out grief emotions in addition to my private moments.

What I found, as I started out in this grief and recovery journey is that somewhere deep down, ingrained in my personality and in my cultural awareness, I didn't want to inconvenience anyone nor draw attention to myself with my pain. I wanted them to think well of me, of my strength of my faith. I had this fear that somewhere there existed a grief 'schedule'. I sensed that as I began grieving that a clock started ticking and that I had to be at certain points in my healing by a certain time. I was afraid I wouldn’t meet the appointed dates and people would become impatient with me. That grace and patience would run out and be replaced with demands and expectations and impatience. No one in my life or circle of friends has made me feel that way, but that seemed to be my natural self talk. I think the broader culture influenced me to think that way.

Well, as I said, that was in the early stages of my grief. I am further along in this grief and healing journey now obviously then I was a couple of months ago. So these issues are not quite as large for me as they were. The Grief Share support group I attend has helped me realize:

1. everyone grieves uniquely and
2. everyone grieves at their own pace.

So I am very liberated in my grieving now. It will take me as long as it takes me and that is just fine. I will do the things that promote good grieving and healing but I will not feel any pressure to perform or appear strong. If I don't cry out loud with others around, I will at least continue writing my blog and not be embarassed when i write about the pain and loss.

There are wider applications to this grief experience. For example, in Sunday School we have been studying about living in the "room of grace" as opposed to the room of performance. I believe a central component to that lifestyle is being Honest, Open and Transparent (H.O.T.) with our Christian brothers and sisters as well as with the Lord.

QUESTION: Do you feel safe enough with the people in your life to be H.O.T. with them? Are you willing to be H.O.T. or do you feel the need to put on a mask so you won’t be embarrassed or appear weak? When people ask you, "how are you doing?" do you always answer, “Fine”? We all need to be free to be real with our struggles and our pain AS WELL AS comfortable ourselves when others express emotions of pain, grief and discouragement.

It is important to both be able and willing to share and to hear these emotions. Not because we are a therapy group and not because we want to be stuck in that place but because the shortest path to healing usually is to express the pain, the hurt, even confess the sin and then allow others to comfort us, encourage us and also to allow the Lord to heal us and move on. Expose a wound and you will be able to clean it out and heal it. Ignore a wound and it will only fester and become very ugly and infected.
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I was mute and silent, I refrained even from good, And my sorrow grew worse. Psalm 39:2

After King Saul, his son, and Israel's army were defeated, "David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword" (2 Samuel 1:11-12).