Getting Stuck in the Past vs. "Getting on with it"

At first, I feared getting stuck in the past and lost in my grief. Then I started feeling better and became excited about plans for the future and I began to fear I would forget Jackie and the things I had learned through this experience. I’ll explain.

Getting Stuck in the past. Obviously, there is no escaping the need to eventually(sometimes it is necessary sooner rather than later), deal with the myriad of legal/financial issues resulting from Jackie’s death or with Jackie’s personal items or the things that clutter the house. That is all part of dealing with the past. But also, part of dealing with the past is grieving. While it feels good not to grieve, not to cry, grieving is not a process that should be rushed. I am learning that healing comes about my doing “the work of grieving” and there is no short cut to getting that over with. I perhaps can say more about “the work of grieving” at another time.

But also, there are ways in which I want to continue to remember Jackie and honor her. And that could include doing a number of things from writing her notes, putting flowers by her picture, talking to people that knew and loved her, listing that things I loved about her. I really don’t want to ever put Jackie out of my mind and heart --- I just don’t want to hurt so much. I don't think that doing these things means that I am 'stuck in the past'.

Getting too excited about the future and slamming the door on properly dealing with paperwork, possessions, emotions of grief and loss, or by not giving her further thoughts nor honoring Jackie’s memory is not healthy.

Getting on with it. I must admit that not having unexpected tidal waves of devastating grief and emotion feels really good. And as I experience a measure of relief from grieving I find it easier to begin to look up and look around and look within. And In doing so, I see more clearly. I remind myself of who I am and what I value and what motivates me - such as love of family and friends and faith in the Lord. I rediscover interests and gifts I have. I meet new people. I do new things. And I actually become excited about "getting on with it", but I have already noticed there is a tendency to do so by shutting the door on the past and on my emotions, and by avoiding people and situations that could cause me to be sad and remember my loss.

To listen to some folks, it would seem the choice is either Getting Stuck in the past or Getting on with it. And most are quite concerned that the grieving person will get stuck. But it is not an 'either or' situation. Living on after my beloved Jackie's death requires a balance between the past and the future. It is good to be somber and it is healthy to grieve and remember, reflect and take care of business even as I 'get on with it'.

God in His Word encourages us to grieve certain things, reflect and remember 'the former things' and to remember our salvation. We stay rooted and grounded by doing these things. In the same way, as I move ahead in life I need to remember Jackie - even grieve my loss, remember her family and her friends and what I loved about her. And I need to remember how wonderfully desirous heaven seemed to me shortly after she died. I need to remember how much I desired to be there with the Lord and with her. I need to remember how clearly I understood that I was left behind in this imperfect and sometimes lonely world for a purpose. And that purpose was to be an ambassador to do the work of the King and not to simply remain so that I can find new toys, amusements and pleasures.

But only God can give me a balance between the past commitments and loves and the future possibilities. Being balanced is a supernatural thing. I need to ask God to live in and through me to pull that off.