Yesterday, I threw out about 6 heavy duty trash bags of things from the garage and my office, read through and tossed out a lot of old files and notes, threw out an old microwave, mowed the lawn, worked in the yard some, cleaned the pool, washed and vacuumed the floors, laundered the sheets and made the bed, washed up the dishes, bought a few items of groceries, did a lot of cleaning. Took care of legal and financial items.
Instead of being good and tired I didn’t get to sleep until 4 am this morning. I must have stirred up a lot of emotions handling all of that stuff.
I am trying to do it all - right. I am trying to grieve right (e.g. attend a group, read good books, write down my feelings), function well at work, take good care of the house, efficiently fill out papers/make phone calls/copies/send faxes – as part of handling the myriad of household financial and legal details, be accountable to several different people for weight loss and exercise, diligently maintain relationships with friends and family, avoid my natural tendency of isolating by staying busy with other people, spend time with the Lord even if sometimes it is hard to concentrate.
All good stuff, but I am exhausted from running. I am afraid if I stop I will feel even worse.
Some eople have said to me, “your such an example” or “you are doing well”. But I don’t want to “do”. I am exhausted from “doing”. I just want to live, relate, be. I feel like I have taken on a very big and serious new job. I didn't want this job. You might call this new job, “Post Jackie Recovery”. Or another analogy: sometimes, I feel like I am an actor in a soap opera. But I am ready for this soap opera to be over. And likewise, I am ready to quit this new job! I’ve done my best to cope and I am exhausted and I am ready to relate and be and live. I am ready for Jackie to come back and for this nightmare to be over!!!
So, what’s the answer? Several things were suggested to me:
Ø IT IS exhausting because everything is new for you
Ø IT IS exhausting because you are making a lot of decisions.
Ø IT IS hard. Your wife is dead. She is not coming back.
Ø Don’t worry about whether others think you are doing okay or not.
Ø Go easy on yourself.
1 comment:
Fred, I don't know who told you those thing you bulletted, but it is true. You will have days where "doing" is just a cover for your feelings. It's part of your new normal to want this to be over already. And there's no perfect way to grieve or "get it right." It's messy, rollercoast-ery, sticky and un-fun. But it's necessary...
Still praying for you and still grateful for your transparency...
Peggy
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