Catching up with the Truth

I don’t know why I can’t sleep. Just look at the time of this posting! I didn’t take any sleep aids tonight- maybe that’s why. I did spend late morning, all afternoon and evening in the house but four of those hours I wasn’t alone, as Todd came over and did some plumbing work for me. So it is not like I was alone with my thoughts for the whole time. But some how, my mind is wired and won’t shut down.

At first, I am not aware of any grieving thoughts – it’s just that I am awake. But then as the evening turns to midnight and beyond I begin to grieve at a low level. I start to shake my head, “can’t believe she’s dead. Its incredible. Oh honey, I miss you terribly”.

Its not that I have any problem with the factuality, the reality that Jackie is gone. I know she is not going to walk in that door any minute. I have no expectation of that. So, I am told that’s one step in the grieving process that I have moved past. So, what do I mean when I say, “I don’t believe she is dead.”? I do believe it – now. I know the truth and accept it and it is setting me free to move on. It is just that sometimes the truth, the reality of it all is a reality that is too big to encompass. It seems too overwhelming. My mind says its true, and that’s a healthy healing thing but on the other hand my emotions just gasp and become overloaded sometimes. I just have to catch up with the truth.

Maybe it works that way in the rest of my Christian walk as well - I just have to catch up with, take it all in, accept on an emotional and heart level the Truth, whether that Truth is harsh or wonderful to hear. Then I begin to move ahead and experience victory, healing and rest. Especially rest!