"Leaning into my grief" when it revisits

I’ve heard this expression in several different contexts so don’t know who to attribute it to. It means to face or confront my grief. It means that it will come back and when it does, I need to embrace it, express it – whether I do that through my writing, talking to others, crying, smiling, praying.

I am beginning to understand from the grief literature that I can never expect in my lifetime to be totally free from the pain of this major loss nor should or can I declare at some future point that I am totally healed of the pain of my loss. In short, my heart will never again be the same. I will never forget Jackie; I will never stop loving her and I will never stop grieving my loss.

Some theologians may disagree with me here but I am going to borrow and modify a verse from the epistle of John. I will state that if any man (or woman) says he (she) is “totally healed” of their major loss of a spouse or other close loved one they are a liar and the truth is not in them. That person’s grief simply has not been resolved and they are refusing to acknowledge it any longer (if they ever did). This is an extremely dangerous and emotionally and even mentally unhealthy situation.

So what can I or any person who has suffered a major loss, expect? We can expect that the intensity of the pain will decrease over time, especially if we allow ourselves to feel and express grief when it comes over us, i.e. leaning in to the pain. But it will revisit periodically without warning.

By leaning into the pain when it revisits I:
Ø can expect to become increasingly functional, flourish again and become fruitful.
Ø prevent emotional paralysis
Ø stay healthy emotionally
Ø enjoy the memories and the love I have for Jackie.

Occasional returning of grief reminds me I will never be the same and that is a good thing. Returning grief keeps me healthy and humble and focused on God and heaven.

It is as though God allows Jackie to return to me periodically through my grief in order to accomplish good things in me that might not otherwise be accomplished. I just need to embrace it. Lean into it.