The emotional side of loss:

I am really feeling it tonight as I spend the entire evening alone in the house busily getting ready to go on a trip tomorrow.

It feels so strange washing clothes, washing dishes, putting a Christmas table cloth on the table and you are not part of any of it. I never expected to out live you. I never wanted to live without you. I hate this. I miss you so much Jackie, it hurts. Listen to me, I am crying out loud right now. It feels so strange packing for a trip tonight without you. I’ll go alone tomorrow and spend the weekend with Brandon in Oklahoma but I will take you with me in my heart and I will love him for you as well as for me.

I know that this is reality, even the way it is suppose to be in God’s plan. I don’t have to like it right now. I go forward, making plans, going places, preparing for the holidays and you are not part of any of it.

The Word tells me I am surrounded by saints who have gone before therefore I do believe you are close by. I also carry you and our shared values with me in my heart wherever I go. I really do believe you are right now in the Lord's presence in a much better place. And yet it just feels so wrong that you had to suffer all spring and summer and are gone now. We thought there was so much living yet to do. So much family time and our time yet to be lived and shared.

Please help me Lord to have your perspective. Help me Lord to live out my days doing what You want me to do. Help me to demonstrate your love to family and to friends. Help me to hear and follow Your Spirit’s leading. Help me to be courageous. Keep me emotionally stable.