I just wrote my first 2008 appointment in my DayTimer. It’s for an annual physical in early January. Pretty routine transaction but now as I reflect on it those 2 items bring in a rush of emotions.
First of all, there is the matter of the year, “2008”. That means that barring unforeseen circumstances, I will be alive and go on living beyond the year that my wife died. For awhile, I’ve really not wanted to go on without Jackie and yet here I am soon to face the New Year and going forward, leaving behind my old life and my lost relationship. It seems so weird to be living in the ‘post Jackie” stage of my life. Not sure I can even explain it to you. Yet if the Lord wills, going on I will.
Secondly, there is the matter of having a physical with no one to share with. We shared everything. And I am scheduling this physical not because I feel sickly but simply because I am due for one. Of course, I will have a small list of a few minor things (at least that I am aware of) that I want to ask the doctor about. Again it feels so strange that Jackie took such good care of herself and I have always been so undisciplined and yet here I am going on. Surely, it is the sovereignty of God and no justification for my lack of self control.
You’ve obviously left me here for a reason, Lord. I really don’t like being in the “post Jackie” stage of my life. Lord, help me to accept this stage and live like I belong here. And Lord, help me to want to take better care of myself in 2008 so that I can make the most out of the time I have left.
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How does the approaching New Year affect you? Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or with fear? What are your reflections on 2007? In what ways are you asking the Lord to help you go forward in 2008?
First of all, there is the matter of the year, “2008”. That means that barring unforeseen circumstances, I will be alive and go on living beyond the year that my wife died. For awhile, I’ve really not wanted to go on without Jackie and yet here I am soon to face the New Year and going forward, leaving behind my old life and my lost relationship. It seems so weird to be living in the ‘post Jackie” stage of my life. Not sure I can even explain it to you. Yet if the Lord wills, going on I will.
Secondly, there is the matter of having a physical with no one to share with. We shared everything. And I am scheduling this physical not because I feel sickly but simply because I am due for one. Of course, I will have a small list of a few minor things (at least that I am aware of) that I want to ask the doctor about. Again it feels so strange that Jackie took such good care of herself and I have always been so undisciplined and yet here I am going on. Surely, it is the sovereignty of God and no justification for my lack of self control.
You’ve obviously left me here for a reason, Lord. I really don’t like being in the “post Jackie” stage of my life. Lord, help me to accept this stage and live like I belong here. And Lord, help me to want to take better care of myself in 2008 so that I can make the most out of the time I have left.
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How does the approaching New Year affect you? Are you looking forward to it with anticipation or with fear? What are your reflections on 2007? In what ways are you asking the Lord to help you go forward in 2008?
1 comment:
I know what you mean about the post years. My Mom died in 2000 and it was almost 2 years before I was back to normal, well, normal for me!
I had come home from California to help her get back on her feet after my dad died in 1995, but within a few months it was clear what I needed to do. I put my life on hold - to hold her's up. It's a decision I will never regret. Mom and I became best friends.
So now, when the calendar rolls off another year I think back on my time with Mom. I still miss her terribly, but life does go on. I think about how she would want me to live - and not about how I wish she was here to live it with me.
I'll be going to the cemetary on Friday to put Christmas flowers on my parent's grave. It's something I promised my Mom I would do to honor the life we shared. I will also honor them by moving foward and fully living the life they gave me.
Keep the faith Fred. You will never forget Jackie, none of us will, but in time the pain will give way to the happy memories and you will find your joy once again.
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