We use to say about children when observing their behavior, “it’s just a stage he/she is going through”. This assumes that the child will simply automatically 'grow out' of the stage and the behaviors associated with the stage.
It’s hard at any age, but I think perhaps especially at 63, to transition from being a life-long married man to being a widower/single man. I am well aware that there are lots of singles out there (some who read my blog and my blubbering about being alone) who manage life on their own and feel good about them self and don’t need someone to tell them that they love them and vice a versa. Lots of singles come home to their apartment or house each evening or on the weekend and are content being alone. And if they need people, well they make social plans. I fully expect that I will get to that point some time too.
Right now, however, I am still feeling (1) the new sensation of loneliness of being single/widow (2) the radical surgery of death of an intimate relationship and all the grief emotions related to that loss (3) I don’t know how, yet, to live on my own and feel content. Also, (4) I admit, I have a codependent personality, i.e. I am most familiar with being needed: when I am loving and caring for someone and receiving in return.
God will help me to recover in all of these areas. It’s just that it hurts so much right now. By His grace...
I will learn to celebrate singleness, flexibility, availability for service.
I will learn to be alone without being lonely (all the time) and I will learn how to schedule my time, my social activities, new interests, projects, etc.
I will find the Lord to be even more precious and tangible in my life. I will love Him more.
I will heal from my loss of Jackie (though I will never forget)
I will become more assured of my worth and attentive to my needs and desires and I will be able to receive in my inner being and be content with the love expressed to me from a variety of individuals.
I will learn to redirect or spread out my love to others in ways appropriate to my relationships, status.
I hope I have not made you, my dear readers, uncomfortable as you have read my last couple of blogs. I really don’t plan to remarry and I am not expecting you or others in my life to love me the way Jackie did. I am just expressing my unfiltered emotions while at the same time looking to God Whom I know will help me with this transition, healing and growth.
No, I don't think I will automatically 'grow out' of this stage of my life as the child might just by getting older. Time doesn't automatically make everything better. In most of these areas change will come by God's grace and my willing participation with Him.
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