I have to supply both sides of the equation...

Our relationship to the Lord was the most important thing in our marriage. When we were close to Him we felt intimate. We loved to talk about the Lord together, pray together, read the Bible, or good Christian books. One of the most enjoyable things we did together was to work on Bible Studies, either the same study or different ones. Then we would share with one another what we were learning or ask one another questions.

The enduring part of our relationship is that the Lord is still the most important part of that relationship. Already I have seen that the closer I am to the Lord the more peace I have AND the closer I feel to Jackie as well.

So what I am really grieving the most is Jackie’s presence and touch and the ways in which we complimented and balanced one another in the practical things of life. These things were secondary to our intimacy with the Lord. But these are the things I am missing now.

I have to supply both sides of the equation right now. I have to provide structure and spontaneity. I have to plan and cook meals and go to work. I have to do all the finances. Make all the decisions and then execute them. And the list goes on. Most singles know this list well. Us newly arrived singles have to get use to it.

Right now, I am not functioning too well in the routines of life – I am more like a car that is moving along but with a flat tire. I don’t know if that is a good illustration or not. But what I am trying to find is my stride for living while at the same time dealing with my loss and pain. All my routines are gone. Nothing is normal. I have tried to hang on to as much of my old life as possible. Same friends, stay close to family, same Lord, same church, same job, same house but it is not enough yet to smooth out a very bumpy ride and especially for someone who really didn’t have a lot of natural structure and personal discipline.