"You're doing good, Fred." Am I? (subtitle: logic and truth vs. pain and emotions).

I’ve been reasonable and realistic. I saw how very sick Jackie was. She was non-responsive for a long time. Of course it was better for her that she went on to be with the Lord. Life in a nursing home would have been hell for her and for us. Paulette and I and others were with her when she died. We even cheered her on to release and to the Lord.

I know she is in a better place. I know I am to remain here for a purpose. I know I have things to do, things to take care of, people to love. I know all that.

But it hurts so much. I don’t really like this plan of God’s right now. My best friend is gone. She’s dead. Why can’t I be dead?! Yeah, Yeah, I know, I know, don’t ask that “why” word and don’t even think or wish for death. You’ve got to live Fred. You’ll heal. You’ll feel better – eventually. But I miss her so much; I can hardly stand it sometimes.

Today, I thought about Christmas and I thought about giving her gifts – something I loved to do. I can’t give her anything anymore. Not a present, not a card, nor a note or a flower. Nothing. I have love for her I don’t know what to do with.

I can love her children and her grandchildren and the people she cared about. I can love her Lord. But I can’t touch her; I can’t give something to her. I can’t talk to her, pray with her, debrief with her. I hate this. I hate this so much, I hurt so much all I can do is scream, cry and choke and throw up.

Maybe tomorrow reality, logic and truth will once again rule but right now emotion and pain are ruling. I suppose that’s healthy too, huh? Some people say, “Fred, you are doing good”. Thank you but how do you know I am doing good? How did you come to that evaluation? Can you show me a chart so that I can see where I am suppose to be? Do you realize that though you may see me upbeat and functional, I am a raving lunatic in some of my private moments?

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I can figure what I CAN DO for Jackie and for the Lord. Right now it just hurts like a painful slashing jagged wound.

Maybe the depth of the pain I feel now will be commensurate with the depth of my healing and rejoicing someday.