Understanding the cause of the Tidal Waves helps - a little bit

Every new realization of the implications of Jackie being gone creates a new tidal wave. So intertwined were our lives, so habitual were some of our patterns that it is not possible to simply acknowledge, “oh yeah, she’s gone, so that means …”.

Like when I picked up the cell phone last week to call her that I was on my way home. Fact tells me, ‘you can’t do that, she’s not there anymore’. But habit took over and the phone was in my hand before I knew it. Then when it hit me that it was futile to call home to talk to Jackie, the tidal wave of emotions crashed in on me. Since that day, I have not been tempted again to pick up the phone and call her to tell her I am coming home. It is as though I have met and dealt with that aspect of my loss. But the pain marches on. I’ve moved on to new realizations and new implications of the fact that Jackie is no longer here with me. And when these realizations hit me for the first time they create a new tidal wave of emotions.

According to my friend, Bruce, this will go on for some time as each one of these practical implications of Jackie’s absence hits me. There just doesn’t seem to be any shortcut. I have to go through each “first time” to heal.

Of course, there are a few tidal waves of emotion that tend to revisit, the basic theme being, “I miss her so much and I am all alone”.

I take some comfort in seeing a pattern even if it will take some time. Apparently this is just how God made me/us.